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To many things on my plate?

(24 Posts)
Janeinthemiddle Wed 31-May-17 20:23:12


I am looking more of an advice on the things that are happening to me in the coming months and I am wondering if I am cutting it close or have too many things planned too closely? I think they're all doable but is there something that I'm missing out?

Forgive me if this is not the right topic to put under.

I am 30 weeks pregnant and will be going on my maternity when I am at 38 weeks. My due date is 7th August.

I have recently sold my 2 bed property with the estimated exchange of contract on 20th August. My DM will be staying with me and my DH from 6th August onwards to help me out with things.

So it is all fine and dandy there so far.

We've also have our offer accepted in a 3/4 bed property within the same city (about 40 minutes drive away). The property we're purchasing is chain free and we think the exchange of contract will be around or after the exchange of contract of our property as we're using the same funds for down payment.

Now, my DH has arranged for his DM and step sis to stay with us during August bank holiday for a week, in the new house if we've already moved by then.

I know this may sound unfair but I am not too pleased about it as we'll have 4 adults, 1 child and 1 newborn in a 3/4 bed house. (Fourth room is next to kitchen so it's going to be more of a playroom/home office rather than a proper guest room). I said unfair because how can I say okay to my DM but not his DM? To be fair, my DM will be here solely to help care for me and the baby (yes, I may be precious but really have no idea what I'm doing as this is my first child). I feel uncomfortable with his DM and his DSSis will be more of our guests where we would need to cook, clean, find activity for them to do while they're here.

The baby also may not arrive on 7th and may well be 2 weeks late and I'm worried I may not be the best company then as I might be a sleep walking cow for my baby.

Am I being unreasonable to not want DH's DM & DSSis to live with us for a week with a potentially 2 weeks old baby? Or am I being a precious flower and it will all be okay since I have my DM to help out anyway?

Sorry for the long post! And any advice is most welcome!

Janeinthemiddle Thu 01-Jun-17 08:29:49


HerBluebiro Thu 01-Jun-17 09:19:02

Only you know what your mil and sil are like.

It will probably be fine. We had PIL bil and sil and dnephew to stay for 4 days when dd was a week old.

I just left dp to sort and focused on the baby

Oddsocksforeveryone Thu 01-Jun-17 09:32:22

I wouldn't want visitors at that time, and after my first I was all over the place hormonally.
I was also totally unprepared for the sleep depravation and was like a zombie. I'm pretty sure I answered the door to a delivery man with my boob out once. But ds1 only slept in 40 minute blocks. Ds2 was a bit better and dd1 slept for 4 hours a few times in the early days.
My point is you never know what life will be like after a baby, how labour/birth will go, if baby will sleep, how you will feel etc.
No way would I be faffing about looking after my in laws in this situation, but if your DH will look after them or they can feed themselves etc then fair enough.

MissClarke86 Thu 01-Jun-17 09:42:08

You absolutely are not being unreasonable, for many reasons.

New baby = little sleep, and you will be tired and in no mood to entertain guests. You get so many visitors when you have a new baby and that's tiring enough, let alone having them to stay over.

If you intend to breastfeed, it can be very stressful in the early days. I wouldn't have wanted anybody other than my partner/mum around for the times I was stressing over a baby who wouldn't latch and squirting milk everywhere. I was a sticky, upset mess. Basically anybody that i wasn't 110% happy being myself with, I didn't want around for more than short visits.

My main reason though, is that it's such a gorgeous intimate family time and you need time to just be together as a new family. It's a precious time and I actually felt very vulnerable during those days.

Is there any reason they can't delay until next half term when you'll be more settled?

My DD is 4 months and a good sleeper and I still wouldn't want anyone over for more than a day as my life still revolves around her and her feeds, pumping milk etc. People also like to give you their opinions which can also be stressful.

MissClarke86 Thu 01-Jun-17 09:44:36

Also what if your baby is 2 weeks late?

Don't underestimate the impact of hormones. I LOVED being a new mum but it rocks your world and I did feel very emotionally vulnerable. Little things would set me off!

Smellbellina Thu 01-Jun-17 09:49:28

Won't your DH be able to look after his DM and Dsis if they need it?
Yea I do think YABU.

EssentialHummus Thu 01-Jun-17 09:57:45

Oh gosh. Whichever of these relatives you need to stay with you, to help you, should stay. The rest - unless they are coming from abroad, and even then I'm not sure - need to be pushed back a month or so IMO, unless you are very comfortable with them and happy to leave them to it.

I'm due in Sept and in the middle of a house move and frankly that seems enough without MIL and SIL pitching up!

TestingTestingWonTooFree Thu 01-Jun-17 09:58:52

I don't think we can answer. It all depends on everyone's personalities and your relationships and how useful DH is (along with the great unknowns on how/when baby arrives and what kind of baby you have). I wouldn't commit to guests staying until you're up and running with the baby, but I would commit to helpers staying.

fuckwitery Thu 01-Jun-17 10:10:09

New baby and house move is enough imo. It's a lot!! I'd absolutely say no and push them back a month or so at least and just accept half day visits until then from anyone except DM.

Chloe84 Thu 01-Jun-17 10:14:06

Who suggested the visit? Whoever it was very unreasonable to suggest it and also not to check with you first.

I think you need to tell them there is no space unfortunately but they can come in whatever time suits you.

TimetohittheroadJack Thu 01-Jun-17 10:15:15

It depends, Are they going to be helping with the move or sitting around expecting tea?

The former, absolutely they can come (as you are going to need help moving as you either will be heavily pregnant or have a newborn)

The later then no.

RiversrunWoodville Thu 01-Jun-17 10:16:55

Moving house is stressful enough without adding in a newborn or labour into the mix I think I would definitely suggest a later visit too

Etymology23 Thu 01-Jun-17 10:17:47

Are you planning to have different exchange dates for the two houses? I wouldn't be happy with that- puts you in a risky position if your vendors pulled out for some reason!

Janeinthemiddle Thu 01-Jun-17 12:05:42

Thank you so much for the input.

For more context, my DM will be coming from abroad halfway across the globe! and stay for 3 months. Her intention is to help with baby and taking care of me (also to visit her first grandchild) this is agreed with myself and DH and I have triple check with DH and he is happy with the arrangements.

My MIL and SIL lives in rural France and as such, they are only able to visit during said time as the next time they can make it will be Christmas but there are no flights available from where she lives. The next time after Christmas will be Summer 2018! My MIL has a cronic disability that may flare up and I believe the only helping she is able do is to watch the baby for not more than 30 minutes and my SIL is 10 and has a reputation of not being responsible and is very active and undisciplined child(from experience and agreed by all family members). I do get along well with them. My MIL has TOLD my DH that she will be coming, rather than asking, and my DH has agreed to it and offered her a place to stay. I have expressed my concerns and I guess it is difficult for him to now say no to staying at our place.

MY DH will be at work, apart from bank holiday Monday and weekends. So there will not be much helping out from his department.

The more I think of it, the more horrified I am of the thought! Crying baby, sleepless me with bleeding (??) boobs, baby stuff all over the place, boxes left to unpack, DH at work, MIL & SIL to entertain.

I am not sure how to go about handling this other than to just let it happen! I have expressed my concerns to my DH one too many times and each time he said it will be okay. Easy for him to say when he can just escape to work!

At the same time, I do not want to say no to MIL from her first grandchild!

Janeinthemiddle Thu 01-Jun-17 12:07:41

EssentialHummus I do hope your house move and labour goes smoothly!

Etymology23 we are going to aim for both exchanges to sync, if at all possible, to happen at the same time/date? Not 100% sure what can and cannot be done!

EssentialHummus Thu 01-Jun-17 12:12:06

Please don't do this - I've just read your update and it doesn't sound like a good idea. TBH the only way it sounds like it could be worse is if you tell us that MIL and SIL also speak no English and you speak no French looking at you, Russian MIL.

Could you plan to go to France in December for up to a week? Can they not visit in December by getting to a different airport - it's France, not Mongolia, surely there are train/bus links? You really need to prioritise yourself and your new little one.

EssentialHummus Thu 01-Jun-17 12:13:28

And thank you for the good wishes. I am completely overwhelmed at the minute but it sounds like I'm not the only one in this boat flowers.

mazdaz25 Thu 01-Jun-17 12:25:31

Oh my goodness, just read your update. Absolutely not a good idea. Your SIL will need overseeing /stuff to entertain her. Your MIL is obviously just here for a holiday/to meet grandchild.
Like another poster has said it is a special time after new baby born. And your DH is not going to be at home either - he either needs to take a week holiday/parental leave to help out OR he needs to man up and say NO to his family.

Janeinthemiddle Thu 01-Jun-17 12:33:34

EssentialHummus thankfully MIL & SIL speaks good English so one thing I don't have to worry about. grin
I did thought of going to France to visit her instead but DH is against it as the house is not exactly fit for a baby (health &safety and hygiene reasons without going into too much details) Due to MIL's disability and personality, she is not capable of planning a trip that involves planning. Having said that, she might not even turn up! Where she lives, she will need to arrange for car to the nearest town, about 1 hour away, to get on a 30 minutes train to nearest city to get on a plane. this is why she missed all of DH's big moments in England

I hope you have family and friends to help you with the house moving! so you can check yourself in a hotel or stay at a friend's for a short while and not have to worry about moving house.

Justanothernameonthepage Thu 01-Jun-17 12:42:29

Having read your updates, can you afford to hire someone to help out with your SIL & MIL? Will be worth discussing it with your DH, pointing out that if the baby is late or late & emergency C-section, you'll physically be unable to do anything other than recover and spending 90% of the time with the baby (especially if you're planning on BF). But I'd also tell him that you're going to leave all the details about sleeping arrangements and food to him to sort out. He may be completely unaware of just how much time most newborns take up.

Justanothernameonthepage Thu 01-Jun-17 12:46:49

But off the top of my head, look up cleaners, house movers, mother helpers and if you know anyone in the area where you're moving to who has a teenager who could entertain your SIL for a couple of hours a day or if there are any day activities to send her too. It's a problem where being able to throw money at it will cushion it. I would be very unimpressed that DH was working though.

Janeinthemiddle Thu 01-Jun-17 12:49:43

Justanother those are ace ideas! Never even cross my mind! I do indeed have family friends very nearby. Thank you!

Etymology23 Thu 01-Jun-17 13:04:58

jane should be able to exchange on everything on the same day. Good luck with everything- justanothers ideas sound great!

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