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Clare's Law - WWYD

(210 Posts)
IppyDippyTippy Wed 31-May-17 18:02:39

My last relationship with the father of my DC was very abusive, and I'm terrified of starting something with someone else. I've been single for 4 years.

I've been on two dates with a really nice guy. On paper we're perfect for each other, and we chat for hours online. There's a real chance this could turn into something. He's very patient with me, as his DM was abused by both his father and his step father, so he understands. Him and his ex wife lost a baby, he's always wanted DC, and specifically wants to date some one with DC. He's met my DDs, and loves them.

What I'm confused about is whether, if this turns into something serious, I should ask him if I could do a Clare's Law check on him, given my history of DA, and that I have two young DDs to protect. I don't want to insult him, but if he has nothing to hide, then surely he won't mind. Or would he? Is it odd that he wants to date a woman with two young daughters?

WWYD? Would I BU to ask him?

holliedaze Wed 31-May-17 18:03:29


miraclebabyplease Wed 31-May-17 18:04:33

Alarm bells are ringing if having children is a specific request.

SmileEachDay Wed 31-May-17 18:05:20


But why has he met your DDs after only 2 dates? Slooooooow doooooown for the love of all that is holy.

LedaP Wed 31-May-17 18:06:02

Did he say he wants to date someone with young daughters or with children?

Because having lost a baby, i can see the 'with children' bit. But if its only with daughters i would have veen cincerned straight away.

You can have a check done through clares law without him knowing. If you really dont want to ask him.

Loopytiles Wed 31-May-17 18:06:16

Why has he met your DC?

Fastfrickinforwards Wed 31-May-17 18:06:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Waltermittythesequel Wed 31-May-17 18:07:01

He shouldn't have met your dc!

And specifically targeting someone with dc is a red flag to me.

Instasista Wed 31-May-17 18:07:03

Why do you need to ask him?

LedaP Wed 31-May-17 18:07:36

Oh and yes. Slow it down. Its a really bad idea to introduce him to the kids.

Even if clares law is clear, this shouldn't be happening this quick. You dont really know anything about him.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 31-May-17 18:07:38

Sorry op but I hear alarm bells. . .

wheresthel1ght Wed 31-May-17 18:07:51

You have been on 2 dates and he has already met your kids?? Sorry hut running a Clara's law search now is a bit of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted tbh.

NapQueen Wed 31-May-17 18:08:02

OP you have done absoloutley the wrong thing by introducing him to your daughters after 2 dates.

MargotLovedTom1 Wed 31-May-17 18:08:10

I agree that he should never have met your children when you're only two dates in. Can't undo that but I'd back off and slow down a bit.

antimatter Wed 31-May-17 18:08:16

You've bern on 2 dates and this guy already met your kids?
Who arranged that and why?
Even if he isn't on any register he could be a predator.

endofthelinefinally Wed 31-May-17 18:09:13

I hear alarm bells too.

Bubblesagain Wed 31-May-17 18:09:23

He's met and loved your kids after two dates? Slow it down, it's too soon to be talking about having kids and meeting them so soon, don't throw yourself in head first when it's so new.
If your wanting to use Claire's law you don't need to ask his permission though.

viques Wed 31-May-17 18:09:37

Two dates and he has met your children? don't want to diss your new friend, but have you thought that he is telling you what you want to hear?

Understands about abuse because he has had experience.

Loves children sad story about wife?

Just a thought

DancingLedge Wed 31-May-17 18:11:28

Don't bring strangers to meet your DC.

You hardly know him.

Yes, give him the Claire's Law test. - he has a problem with it, he's failed. He has no problem- definitely request - don't take that as reassurance.

Get him out of your DCs lives, and get to know him. Months and months minimum.

AtMidnight Wed 31-May-17 18:11:32

I hate to go against the grain of MN but a man isn't necessarily a pedophile / rapist.

If you really do want to know more about his background then ask him OP. I'd be worried if that was a cause for concern for him but assuming his guilt simply because he has a penis is disgusting.

I'm of the opinion, nothing to hide, nothing to worry about.

CleopatraTheCatLover Wed 31-May-17 18:11:54

I'm amazed that after being a victim of DA you've introduced your dds to a man you've been on 2 dates with and that he 'loves' them. Very odd hmm

LoupGarou Wed 31-May-17 18:12:01

Ask. If you don't you'll always be wondering and it will undermine the trust in your relationship.

I personally wouldn't have any problem with being asked to do one, I'd view it as sensible and much the same as doing a crb check if working with kids. If he refuses, would you want to be with him anyway? Would you be able to trust him even if he was perfectly innocent.

That said.... A check would only prove he hasn't done anything, yet. Or hasn't been caught. I don't know, I think its extremely tough. I am very suspicious as I was abused as a child so that I'm sure colours my judgement.

IppyDippyTippy Wed 31-May-17 18:12:35

The second date was at a bbq where he met my DDs.

harderandharder2breathe Wed 31-May-17 18:13:48

You're not protecting your children by introducing them to a new partner after 2 dates.

Absolutely do a Clare's law check on him, anyone with nothing to hide would completely understand your concerns.

MyCalmX Wed 31-May-17 18:14:10

You wouldn't date for 4 years but have introduced this man to your dd's after 2 dates hmm

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