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to end pregnancy because of husband, or to carry on despite him?

(188 Posts)
NeutralUserName Wed 31-May-17 11:58:17

I don't have anyone in real life that I feel I can discuss this with, because it is so fucking embarrassing, but I thought that perhaps posting on here would give me some other angles... sorry it's a bit long, at least there are paragraphs ...

I'm pregnant (very early, about five weeks). I didn't want this to happen. We were being careful. Obviously not careful enough.

I have a baby who'll be one in September. I have a history of infertility, IVF treatment and miscarriage before he came along. It was absolutely awful, and I know exactly how lucky I am to have my beautiful boy. I used to hope for two children but I was / am reconciled to having just the one and I genuinely feel very lucky to have him. I'm considering ending this new pregnancy because of my husband.

This new pregnancy was not planned. My husband is horrified at the thought of another baby. He found the early days with our son very difficult and suffered badly with depression due to sleeplessness (although he did not get up much to help) and the change in our relationship (basically, he was very upset that I did not feel very sexy and was not really interested in sex). He was not very emotionally or practically supportive of me in those first weeks/months and I did not have the energy or emotional capacity to take care of him as well as looking after our tiny baby, struggling with breastfeeding, and recovering from c-section. He refused to seek help for his low mood and we have argued about this many times.

He's been pretty clear since our son was born that he doesn't want another. I've felt sad about this but more or less come to terms with it because I feel so lucky with the one child. I've never agreed out loud that we will never have any more because I wasn't 100%.

I don't have any reason to think that he'd find another baby any easier than the first one. He does love our son now, although I think it is still mixed with resentment for how his life has changed. I would say they have a good relationship. He's good at playing with him and takes an interest and pride in his development.

Sex is a big issue in our relationship. He doesn't really understand or accept that I want it less frequently than he does. He thinks there is something wrong with me. He finds it difficult and very hurtful and this manifests itself in some epic grumpiness / huffs / sulks / loud sighing (these are all not quite the right words but will have to do). He thinks that fixing our sex life has to be our main focus and that having another baby will totally screw things up. I think that I am being unfairly compared with some rose-tinted image of what life was like about ten years ago.

I am seriously considering termination and have made an appointment at the clinic (for discussion). If I do this then it is better done quickly and as soon as possible. I feel utterly hypocritical and ridiculous for considering a termination of this pregnancy given my history of struggling and absolute desperation to have a baby. If I do it, it will pretty much be because of his behaviour the first time round. In a nutshell, I believe that having another baby so soon may well cause us to break up and then my little boy will miss out on a proper relationship with his dad. And I'll be bringing up two kids alone. Even if we don't split, it will probably sour things further and even in the best of circumstances, having two under two is one a hell of a challenge. Plus I will be one of those women who returns from mat leave already pregnant - I can front this out and it won't be a problem with public sector HR but still ... I take my career very seriously and it will be difficult with two tinies.

But - it would be a baby and a sibling for my son, and I know I'd love it like crazy. If he was a different kind of person I wouldn't be thinking about a termination; I'd still have some mixed feelings as it's so soon but I'd be happy and I’d make it work. It's a serious thing to do, ending a pregnancy because of someone else. He says I'll blame him for this forever and he has a point.

So - if you're still with me - which is least unreasonable? Continuing the pregnancy even though it'll be a massive strain on a less than brilliant relationship and likely have an impact on my existing child? Or ending the pregnancy because of my husband's feelings? I don't know what the hell to do now. What else should I be considering?

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea Wed 31-May-17 12:01:05

TBH (and blunt), it sounds like your marriage will likely not last anyway. So I would be asking myself: do I want to be single with one child or single with 2?
You should have a termination if YOU want one, for whatever reason. Not because he wants one.

QueenArseClangers Wed 31-May-17 12:04:39

Personally, I'd probably have a termination and leave my 'D'H.

He sounds a right self absorbed dick.
You deserve much better flowers

Bythebeach Wed 31-May-17 12:05:53

Neither is in reasonable BUT if you terminate for your husband and the relationship, will your relationship not be soured by your resentment at terminating for him? It's a bit dammed if you do and dammed if you don't .... So Do what YOU want to do.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 31-May-17 12:06:34

Talk about irony. You try for years and then less than a year after your baby is born you have an unplanned pregnancy. It doesn't make any sense, does it.
Obviously none of us can make the decision for you.
If it wasn't for your husband not being on board. How do you feel personally. If he was over the moon would you be.
To answer the question on a personal level. If I had to choose between my baby and my partner. I'm afraid there's no contest. Baby would trumps it every time.
But this isnt my decision.

Bythebeach Wed 31-May-17 12:06:47

In reasonable = Unreasonable grrr

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 31-May-17 12:08:09

Me personally would keep the baby and ditch the dodo. .

steff13 Wed 31-May-17 12:09:07

I'd keep the baby and dump the husband.

steff13 Wed 31-May-17 12:09:33

I'd keep the baby and dump the husband.

Oldraver Wed 31-May-17 12:10:20

Only have the termination if you feel that is what you really want..though it does sound like you want two dc's.

Dont go ahead with a termination in the belief it will keep your family intact...it wont.

ijustwannadance Wed 31-May-17 12:10:51

I'd keep baby and get rid of the man size toddler.
Depression is one thing, but not getting help for it and going on about not getting sex is ridiculous.

AnneElliott Wed 31-May-17 12:11:41

How awful for you. If you want to keep the baby then I think you should do. You may end up a single mum but it sounds like you're doing all the work anyway!

GingerHanna Wed 31-May-17 12:12:02

I'm sorry but he sounds like a man-child who needs to grow the f*ck up. Only you can decide what's best for you and your child(ren) but you have to consider if you really want to spend your life with someone like this, regardless of the kiddie situation.

If you didn't have any kids, or you weren't pregnant just now, and you reflected on his behaviour, how do you think you'd feel about being with him when he's changed like this with this for life - it could get better, or worse, or stay the same?

pinkyredrose Wed 31-May-17 12:12:56

Only have a termination if its what YOU want. Your husband is more interested in sex than his baby. I'd seriously get rid if I was you, he hasn't got yours or your sons best interests at heart.

stolemyusername Wed 31-May-17 12:14:57

In your situation I'd keep the baby and get rid of him. I would never be able to let go of the resentment that I had terminated due to his behaviour - and even if you do terminate, he's not going to suddenly become the supportive husband/father that you deserve and will still complain about the lack of sex/change to his life whilst you're left mourning the second child you could have had.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 31-May-17 12:15:09

Another massive factor to consider is that. If you do decide to terminate. Your marriage will probably finish anyway, because you're going to resent and blame your not so dh.

KayTree87 Wed 31-May-17 12:17:24

I'd keep the baby, sounds like the relationship is doomed either way

timeisnotaline Wed 31-May-17 12:19:03

The resentment of my dh would kill our marriage , probably even without this second child coming into it. I'd keep what sounds like a longed for second baby. Hard to disagree with other posters on bin the dp, he sounds monumentally selfish.

JungleInTheRumble Wed 31-May-17 12:20:02

flowers what a tough situation. I agree with a pp that you should make a decision for you and assume that your DH is not going to be in the picture.

Either way you should discuss it with him before doing anything.

user1493759849 Wed 31-May-17 12:23:00

Like the rest of the ladies here, I would probably keep baby 2 and shed the inconsiderate lump of lard called known as your husband. He is a fucking arse.

if you have a very close age gap between 2 children - it is wonderful IMO. My two are 14 months apart (both girls,) and never knew a life without each other. From babies to infants to children to teens to adults, they have been inseperable. I'm not gonna lie, it was a challenge for the first 2 - 3 years, but well worth it. When they hit 2.5 and 3.5, it became such a joy to have them both.

Have the baby. As someone said earlier, your marriage doesn't sound wonderful and it doesn't sound like it will last forever anyway (sorry.) I am fuming for you. He really sounds like a selfish entitled-to cunt. angry

PenguinBollard Wed 31-May-17 12:23:00

Honestly, OP, from what you've written it sounds like your marriage is done anyway - you've not painted a good picture of your husband, he sounds awful.

I'd take a look at the situation without him, and base your decision on that. What would you decide if he wasn't a factor? Can you manage by yourself? Presumably you'd get some kind of support from him, at least financial, but you need to make a decision on what YOU want.

I agree with PPs that you will end up resenting him, if you somehow aren't already, for this decision.

FlyingElbows Wed 31-May-17 12:23:27

If you terminate because it's what he wants then your marriage will almost certainly be over. He's right, you will resent him and your already troubled relationship will get worse. Your choice has to be about what's right for you and it absolutely your choice. A second baby is mostly less of a shock to the system than a first but it will still be a hell of a task with a sulking manchild to cope with too. If you remove the pregnancy do you want to stay in your marriage?

ohfourfoxache Wed 31-May-17 12:23:35

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a tremendously difficult position to be in sad

If I were in your position I would keep the baby and get rid of him. Sulking, wanting sex, wanting "looking after" and not helping as much as he should (it actually sounds like he resents your DS) all suggest that he is nothing but an overgrown man child. Sorry, but he is not coming out of this well.

How will you feel if you terminate and your relationship ends anyway? (It looks likely that this will happen anyway). Do you want to be a single parent to 1 or 2?

KatharinaRosalie Wed 31-May-17 12:24:38

Your husband sounds horrible.

You are worried what the baby will do to your relationship. He does not seem to be worried how you will feel, if you would terminate a much wanted baby because he feels he's not getting enough sex..

user1495783607 Wed 31-May-17 12:24:56

Please, from the deepest part of my heart, do not have a termination for somebody elses well being/wants/needs.
I had a termination, because the man I was seeing had a family, i didnt know the family were together. I knew he had kids but certainly did not know he was still with the mum. When i fell pregnant I found out I was just a mistress. He asked me to terminate, his partner asked me to terminate. It was so hard to do. But i did, thinking if a termination means that his kids still get a chance of their family then it would be worth it. They are the innocent ones in all this. He and his partner actually put a lot of pressure on me. I in the end terminated. Now, I don't know you, or how you would deal with terminating, especially as from what I have read conception wasnt easy for you. All i can say is everyday of my life, 9 years on I regret it. It wasnt a choice I made for me, it was a choice i made for them. Yet i blame myself.
If you are doing it for you, then yes, do what you feel. But is terminating your pregnancy going to make you resent your husband? Would your marriage be strong enough to get through that resentment?
Whatever decision you make. i wish u all the best. Just make a decision that is ok for you! Xxx

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