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That I've reached rock bottom - again.

(11 Posts)
Justbreaking Wed 31-May-17 02:08:46

I don't honestly know how much more I can take. It's like my own mind tortures me and I don't know how to stop it.
In the last 18 months I've been cheated on, lied to, abused emotionally and now after trying to help someone I thought was breaking just like I have, dumped.
It's like the story of my life. Fitting in to life, family, work etc just feels like I'm forcing a square peg into a round hole. It's not working. I've never really belonged anywhere, I surround myself with animals because I can kid myself they at least appreciate me but the truth is I provide what they need.
I don't just feel worthless, I am worthless, I have wasted my life and potential by being a feckless waste of space.
It's just an endless future of nothingness, of totally being alone and not being loveable. I just don't feature, I'm not on most people's radar past the pleasantries.
It's hit me like a train tonight. I just don't matter. I don't even think it's because I'm bad it's just because I'm nothing.
Even Samaritan's didn't pick up. Kinda sums my life up really.
I've tried to climb out of this hole so many times that I just cannot do it again, knowing that it won't make the slightest bit of difference.
I don't know what to do anymore.

Qvar Wed 31-May-17 02:19:33

Go to the doctor tomorrow.

LurkerDaysAreOver Wed 31-May-17 02:30:10

I'm here for a chat OP

Justbreaking Wed 31-May-17 02:41:47

Just don't want to live like this. I don't want to die at all, but I just don't want this for the rest of my life. I've had nearly 40 years of it being like this.

LurkerDaysAreOver Wed 31-May-17 03:03:37

Did something happen today to make tonight one of those nights? If you know that Samaritans works for you, I'd keep trying them.

Idratherbeaunicorn Wed 31-May-17 03:07:14

OP, you are not worthless. You are definitely not worthless. Please keep trying the samaritans and as per a pp, maybe try and get a Drs appt?
Please don't feel like you're alone, if you need to chat, please just let me know. Xx

Justbreaking Wed 31-May-17 03:15:15

Just another one in a long list of people who just bypass me, who I just don't matter to. I try harder and harder with people, hoping they'd see some good in me that I'm worth something and then they just turn away, like not nastily or anything, just other things and people just are more important. If I understood why maybe I could accept it. I wish I didn't care, that I could be insular.

LurkerDaysAreOver Wed 31-May-17 03:23:19

I'd say it's a good thing that you care, it can be our worst enemy but it shows that we're human, and decent ones at that. Have you ever spoken to a GP about how you're feeling? I know it's not exactly the easiest thing to do, but some good can come from it, at least a shove in the right direction.

Idratherbeaunicorn Wed 31-May-17 03:25:41

I agree with Lurker, it's a good thing that you care .
Has something happened today that's tipped the balance and made you feel like this?

callmehannahbaker Wed 31-May-17 03:27:32

Hey op, please call me-message me for my number-I really understand how you feel, would be nice to have a chat x

Justbreaking Wed 31-May-17 04:15:38

I will go for Dr appointment tomorrow, probably be a few days. Relationship breakdown has set this off again but it's deeper and more widespread than that. It echoes across my whole life and seems to have done since I was a child. My birth father stepped in and out as it suited. My step dad tolerated me because I had to come with my mum. I am just a constant reminder to my mum of such a shit time in her life, she does most things out of a sense of duty, rather than a want to. My dd literally doesn't know where to call hone, I've shuffled her about so much trying to work and provide, deal with mental weakness in a family of strong women figures.
I just want to do the right things that show I want to be a nice person, someone people want around. I must keep getting it wrong because people just orbit away from me.

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