AIBU for not wanting my MIL/FIL to visit me in hospital after c-section(266 Posts)
I'm not sure how to break this to my husband as i think he won't understand. My MIL/FIL are very involved in our lives and we get on very well. They will be taking care of my 5-yr old DD while I have a planned c-section. Despite all that I really don't want them to visit me in hospital straight after the birth, I would rather they come and see us after we return home, which should hopefully only be a couple of days. This wasn't an issue when my DD was born as no visitors were allowed at the time due to a norovirus outbreak. I just remember feeling very vulnerable and emotional after my last birth and I just feel I can't deal with their emotions as well (my MIL in particular is lovely but very over the top about everything). I just want my DD to meet her new brother on her own and then introduce him to them when we return home. I know it's ultimately my decision, but they do a lot for us and I don't want to come across as ungrateful. Am I being hormonal? Should I mention it now or leave it until after the birth?
Mention it now. If they didn't kick up a fuss last time then they will probably be fine about it. Maybe they think you will want your DD to meet her new sibling as soon as possible.
Explain that you want her to meet the new baby alone and at home without having to 'leave' afterwards. It all sounds perfectly reasonable.
Hood luck OP
So they're going to be looking after your DD, and you want them to bring her in to see her brother, but they can't see their grandchild while they're there?
That is unreasonable, IMO.
Mention it now.
You never know, they may prefer not visiting you in hospital.
Presumably your mil has had at least one child herself so will probably completely understand, she may feel disappointed but if you have an adult conversation with her now she will have time to process it and you can stop worrying about it
My husband will bring my daughter in to see her brother. She would be staying with them the night before my c-section as we have a pre-op the afternoon before and then need to be by 7.30 the next day Si they're taking her to school.
My MIL still mentions (if it comes up) that she wasn't allowed to see her granddaughter for 2 days, but last time it was out of our hands as the hospital only allowed my husband to visit. I just know she'll be disappointed and she won't understand why as she's a person who loves to be surrounded by people all the time. I'm the opposite especially when I'm likely to be in pain/vulnerable/emotional... I'm not sure this makes sense?
Of course she'll be disappointed. And it probably isn't you she actually wants to see.
If you must, tell her now so she can get used to the idea.
Will your parents be allowed to come to the hospital?
OP - please do whatever you need to regarding visiting.
Sit down and have that conversation with your MiL.
p.s. I am a MiL and would hate to think of any DiL of mine feeling so much anguish at what should be a happy time.
Just want to add, you will be on so much good medication that nothing or no one will upset you. It will all be good and just focus on the precious new baby and your DD
I think it's usually day 3 that's super emotional? You can google it. It's like clockwork. Up to you, but on day 2 when you've just had a dose of lovely pain meds you'll probably be ok. I'd have just DD day 1.
You say they are lovely so tell DP to keep it to a 20 min visit as you're exhausted, and it will mean the world to them. You just sit in bed and cuddle your baby/reassure DD and he can do the talking.
That's what I'd do. It will do so much for your future relationship with them. If they were awful my answer would be totally different.
I don't want to be negative but when I had my emergency c.section pain meds were crap. Catheter was instantly taken out after and all I could have was paracetamol and codeine, and I had to ask for those as otherwise they didn't bother with me.
OP for you. I agree that the upset might come because they are 'good enough' to have your daughter the night before and get her to school, but not 'good enough' to come to the hospital. We had the exact same discussion about my mum, that we wouldn't be able to have her looking after our Son but then not allowed to visit to meet our daughter (In the end we paid a babysitter and she didn't know she had been born until 10 hours later) But we don't have a great relationship anyway.
I think, awkward/difficult as it will be, you need to talk to them ASAP (including your husband) so that it's out in the open, as if she is 'expecting' to come and see you then she should be told that's not going to happen so she isn't dissapointed.
If they are truly wonderful.... They will Understand
They can feel hurt by this tho. As long as they keep their hurt private
I think it's absolutely fine to have no visitors to hospital when you are recovering from significant surgery. It wouldn't have even entered my head to have anyone visiting except dh until we got home. The focus should be on what is best for you and baby - you recovering well, feeling supported and you and baby bonding and establishing feedig - if having visitors disrupts that then they will have to wait.
Of course YANBU. You aren't a brood mare, and you're having major surgery.
Them looking after your DD doesn't buy them rights to your body. Tell them now and they can get their heads round it. And make ward staff aware you only want DH/DD in case they turn up anyway.
My MIL and StepFIL visited me in hospital after my emergency c-section. They are both VERY conservative old school 'private' people. I was set in a chair in absolute agony barely able to hold my head up, I had a nighty on and a very obvious catheter bag as well as a drainage bag (something with a tube coming out of me that was filling up with a blood like substance god knows what). I was in a right state with no make up/hair etc and my usual 'look' is full on makeup and a put together outfit with accessories etc. The shock/horror on their faces is clear as a bell now nearly 6 years later! They made a fairly swift exit after some sympathy but I think they were more embarrassed at having intruded to be honest.
When I had my first the hospital let anybody in that asked I was beside myself
I had my daughter in the middle of the night
I had my first visitor at 9am she wasn't family
She said she didn't believe in visiting hours lol the fact the nurses let her in got me very angry
Have DH read the "lemon clot essay" at DWIL and then point out you'll have that plus major abdominal surgery including incision care and additional pain associated. If he doesn't understand then have him watch graphic c section videos and ask if he would want ILs visiting within a day or two of that happening to him.
YANBU. You are having a major operation. You will be lying vulnerable, recovering from surgery at a time when you need to put your emotional health high on the priority list.
But you do need to tell them ahead of time. I'm having to do something similar, my DP are watching DS but I don't want any visitors other than DP for the first 24 hours. They weren't happy about it but they understood (or at least accepted).
It's not about them meeting the baby, the baby won't know or care. It's about them supporting the new family - which includes you.
YADNBU, They will have many lovely long years to spend with new baby. You can try to handle this sensitively, but ultimately this is not about them. And if feelings are hurt hopefully they will keep it to themselves. I was invaded in hospital with both babies and was really upset about it. I had asked both families to wait until we got home but apparently (weirdly) this only applied to my own family and not the (selfish) inlaws. I think it's extremely inconsiderate to have them put their feelings ahead of yours, you will have just had major surgery!!
@emmyrose2000 has the deciding question. Treat them the same as your parents. Neither having them there or not is particularly unreasonable but treatment should be fair.
I was going to say the same as emmyrose. Treat them the same as your parents.
frankie89 That's rubbish - when you are recovering from major surgery it's normal & fine to be at ease with your own parents who are there to support you as you are their own flesh & blood, but not necessarily anyone else who are only interested in the baby.
It's not about who's first to see the baby ffs.
I felt absolutely horrific the day I had my planned c-section - completely out of it on drugs, vomiting, sweating profusely, catheter, bleeding etc. I could barely muster up the energy to hold my baby, let alone be up for visitors. I think my mum & dad came but I didn't care what state they saw me in, and the were actually there to help me and were very useful to have around.
My in laws visited later at home and were fine about it.
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