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friendship - I really don't think I am very good at it.

(8 Posts)
bigmouthstrikesagain Tue 30-May-17 21:48:09

I am not posting for a pity party. No tiny violins or grips required.

I just think I am rubbish at the dedication/ reciprocation required for close friendships. At school I was always third friend, part of a group but no bestie. People did try I think the problem was me, I get uncomfortable relying on people so I am a bit distant sometimes or awkward, not sure really ...

Anyway fast forward 25 years and i have some friends from 25 years ago I see every blue moon (and post witty stuff on each others timelines on fb regularly). I am not in touch with anyone from uni which is a bit hurtful. I met my two closest friends from university at a funeral in the last couple of years and it confirmed we are no longer friends just people we used to know.

I have friends from school run, but last year there was a massive fall out between two of my school run friends - lets call them Kylie and Danni - Kylie is still my friend but I thought the way Danni acted was childish and awful. I haven't"had it out" with Danni, I don't feel qualified to as I wasn't directly involved and I haven't heard her side Problem is that Kylie doesn't do school run much anymore but I do, so I am constantly bumping into Danni. I am not rude, I do say hello, occasionally make small talk. When I simultaneously feel guilty and juvenile. I think Danni is only too aware of my discomfort I can't be friends with her again, I don't trust her, I think she is a drama llama. Not a bad person I wish her well but I wouldn't want her to be my friend again.

I have other friends and acquaintance but I prefer to stand alone in the playground at pick up. I am actually pretty fun and enjoy going for a drink having a laugh going to gigs etc. But I only actually go out a handful of times a year these days. Friendships seem overly complex with women sometimes full of checks and balances and implications that I just don't do very well. I am not particularly demanding, I will turn up when I say I will, I will buy a round, cup of tea and chat about life, the universe and everything but I lack some mysterious ingredient, I do worry that I may find myself without active real time friendships in another decade.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea Tue 30-May-17 21:49:58

You don't seem to want them though, so is it a problem?

user1486076969 Tue 30-May-17 22:03:35

Sounds familiar to me....i.e. just like me grin

Kokusai Tue 30-May-17 22:06:34

* I am actually pretty fun and enjoy going for a drink having a laugh going to gigs etc. But I only actually go out a handful of times a year these days. Friendships seem overly complex with women sometimes full of checks and balances and implications that I just don't do very well. I am not particularly demanding, I will turn up when I say I will, I will buy a round, cup of tea and chat about life, the universe and everything but I lack some mysterious ingredient, I do worry that I may find myself without active real time friendships in another decade.*

Agreed you do sound fun but lie you don't have much time for friendships? If you can only go out a few times a year it is hard to develop a friendship.

Is there anyway you could foster some regular time you could use to see people?

Chesntoots Tue 30-May-17 22:17:59

I am pretty much the same. I can always be relied on in a crisis, but the day to day "maintenance" of friendships baffles and exhausts me. It is probably because I am an introvert. Social situations put me on edge and I withdraw, which confuses work colleagues as I am totally the opposite there.

I worry that I "should" have more friends, but the reality is that I cannot be bothered with the hassle, so it's my own fault. Having said that, from the amount of angst and bitching I hear in real life and on here, it seems I am not missing ​much!!

bigmouthstrikesagain Tue 30-May-17 22:52:55

The problem I think is the friends I have that do the things I like to do, share cultural, musical even political tastes with live elsewhere. In cities or in one case a country away. I see them rarely, and when we do it I hard not to feel lonelier than before because it is a brief reunion...

I had over a decade of living in shared houses where socialising was built into the structure of my life and work. Then dh, then kids, then moving away strips that easy social structure away. I have time but not money enough or opportunities that appeal. I run a book club but only two people regularly attend now... I have had flaky moments in past couple of years, I am older and more tired these days and a bit adrift. It is hard to get the old enthusiasm when I feel it is wasted.

pipsqueak25 Tue 30-May-17 23:45:52

with you mners on so many levels, like doing my own thing but will rally to the cause if needed. friendships can be exhausting and through experience i'm a bit cynical sadly.

PhuqIt Tue 30-May-17 23:49:11

I'm the same. Never been a mixer and I'm a shit friend. I'm flakey, cancel plans all the time and often don't reply to text messages as I "forget".

It's taken me a long time to realise that a) I'm happy being a loner and that's why I'm shit at being a friend but b) I still need to be a decent human being and make the effort with people. So I try not to make plans unless I know I will go through with them. Less plans but more commitment to those made :-)

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