I am not posting for a pity party. No tiny violins or grips required.
I just think I am rubbish at the dedication/ reciprocation required for close friendships. At school I was always third friend, part of a group but no bestie. People did try I think the problem was me, I get uncomfortable relying on people so I am a bit distant sometimes or awkward, not sure really ...
Anyway fast forward 25 years and i have some friends from 25 years ago I see every blue moon (and post witty stuff on each others timelines on fb regularly). I am not in touch with anyone from uni which is a bit hurtful. I met my two closest friends from university at a funeral in the last couple of years and it confirmed we are no longer friends just people we used to know.
I have friends from school run, but last year there was a massive fall out between two of my school run friends - lets call them Kylie and Danni - Kylie is still my friend but I thought the way Danni acted was childish and awful. I haven't"had it out" with Danni, I don't feel qualified to as I wasn't directly involved and I haven't heard her side Problem is that Kylie doesn't do school run much anymore but I do, so I am constantly bumping into Danni. I am not rude, I do say hello, occasionally make small talk. When I simultaneously feel guilty and juvenile. I think Danni is only too aware of my discomfort I can't be friends with her again, I don't trust her, I think she is a drama llama. Not a bad person I wish her well but I wouldn't want her to be my friend again.
I have other friends and acquaintance but I prefer to stand alone in the playground at pick up. I am actually pretty fun and enjoy going for a drink having a laugh going to gigs etc. But I only actually go out a handful of times a year these days. Friendships seem overly complex with women sometimes full of checks and balances and implications that I just don't do very well. I am not particularly demanding, I will turn up when I say I will, I will buy a round, cup of tea and chat about life, the universe and everything but I lack some mysterious ingredient, I do worry that I may find myself without active real time friendships in another decade.
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friendship - I really don't think I am very good at it.
7 replies
bigmouthstrikesagain · 30/05/2017 21:48
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