Nasty message from friend(238 Posts)
Some background. About 4 years ago we came into an established friendship group of 4 families, through a shared hobby. There was a 4 family whatsapp group that we were added to. Family 1 and Family 2 are the main people in the story.
Families 3 and 4 got dropped (not by us) pretty soon after our arrival in the group. Family 2 set up a new whatsapp group just for families 1, 2 and us. The reasons they were dropped seemed valid (e.g. Borrowing stuff and returning it trashed regularly, or being given stuff (hobby related) and selling it straight after for significant profit.) We invited Family 3 and 4 to a couple of BBQs at ours but their being part of the group fizzled out and we didn't know them well.
For the last 3 years a friendship has continued with us and families 1 and 2, with BBQs regularly and get togethers. The parents of the DH in family 1 also started coming to events at family 1's house, and family 2 became particularly close to them. Family 1 parents are in 70s but youngish at heart and lovely.
Last year me and DH realised that despite having had family 2 to ours many many times, they have never once invited us to anything. Only us or family 1 ever hosted (we thought), but we became aware that family 2 were hosting, but only inviting family 1 and parents of family 1. It was being done secretly. We then became aware from a slip up by the DH in family 2 that a secret whatsapp had been set up for families 1, 2 and parents of family 1. We still invited families 1 and 2 over, and we went to family 1's house many times and they even joined us for a couple of days on holiday last year (their idea). The DW in family 2 organised an event (hobby related) and invited a few ladies (all of whom I knew) but not me. I felt hurt but realised that for whatever reason she did not welcome us to the group, albeit she was happy to come to ours to be catered for if we asked.
We realised that if we wanted to be friends with family 1, we still needed to invite family 2 to our events, which we did.
Then last September family 2 moved 100 miles away. We were quite pleased really as there was no ignoring that they were never reciprocating, and it was getting irritating.
After they were gone we suggested a few outings to family 1, but all were declined. I think they had valid reasons. Then at Xmas I suggested they gone up with any date to suit them, and come to us for a meal. They seemed keen but never came up with a date, instead telling us that friends were visiting from the US and they wanted to keep themselves free for him.
We pretty much gave up. We knew DW of family 2 was not a fan of ours, but we'd thought that family 1 had become solid friends.
8 months passed since we last saw them and we realised we'd been dropped, like families 3 and 4. But no idea why. We were aware that families 1 and 2 and the parents of family 1 were meeting up, with family 2 staying with the parents but it was being done secretly.
Then last Sunday family 1 posted pics of them all in the pub. So I did something silly that I regret. I posted a meme on Facebook saying "At some point you have to forget those people who have forgotten you." I hate these PA things usually but I decided it mentally drew a line for me. Me and DH (who completely agrees we've been dropped and that family 2 never wanted us) left the whatsapp group that hadn't actually been used since last year anyway.
Next morning I get a very shirty message from DW of family 1. She said she had no idea I felt that way, I shouldn't judge people, she's very busy and her friends accept that, and she feels sick. I replied explaining why we felt that way. I explained that we really liked all of them, but in 3 years had not had a single invite from family 2, and had been actively left out of anything arranged by family 2. I said we felt uncomfortable and acknowledged they had a strong friendship with family 2 so hadn't said anything and carried on including everyone. However, when our last few invites to them (family 1) were declined, we left it, but had realised we were forgotten, having gone from at least 2 get togethers a month to nothing in 8 months. I reiterated that they meant a lot to us.
The reply I got was so upsetting. She said:
"Oh my god Mummy. Get your bloody head out of your arse. Think this over!"
WIBU to try to explain? I'm so cross with myself for bothering. I can see this is what they do, dropping people, but she seems to be denying that we were dropped I think. Seemingly suggesting that friends ought to take whatever crumbs they offer. I always knew that the message from me meant no return, not least as family 1 DW would never entertain the idea that family 2 DW had excluded us. But 3 years, multiple events hosted by us, not a single one back, I surely didn't imagine it?? And 8 months of no contact surely isn't normal when you were seeing people all the time??
What did I do? I feel shocked and keep replaying it.
I do appreciate that people can choose to be friends with whoever they want, and that often we won't be included in everything. But we haven't been included in a single thing for 8 months.
Please don't flame me for the meme. I realise I was BU on that.
I think the right thing to do is not reply now, no one will ever see it from our point of view. I reality checked with DH before posting anything as he's the most level headed person I know and he can't understand the reaction about my arse and head either.
Please anyone tell me where I went wrong (other than the meme)
Sorry that's so long, I didn't want to leave out something that might matter
The AIBU I guess is, did I destroy the friendship, or was it a goner already?
It was a goner already friend 1 is just annoyed at being called out on it. You were supposed to go quietly like a good girl and not make a fuss.
I think perhaps you need to listen to your meme. Easier said than done. I doubt you did anything, you just weren't as close as you thought.
They don't sound particularly 'good' people to be spending time with. It's glib to say but you're going to be far, far better off without folk like that in your lives.
It's entirely possible that they go through life picking up and dropping families to entertain themselves; I know a few folk who get through more friends in a year than I do in a lifetime. Get back out doing the hobby and find new, better friends. Or try and reconnect with other friends who aren't related to the hobby. And remember that shallow folk tend to lead pretty shallow lives without any real enjoyment or substance.
They don't sound like nice people. I reckon you're well out of it. Just don't reply or interact with them any more.
You weren't "mentally drawing a line" you were being deliberately goady. Sorry but it's just all a bit like you're still at school. Move on and try not to recreate clique type friendship groups.
If she didn't think she had done anything wrong, she wouldn't have seen your meme as a slight.
You've been Wendied by family 2. If 3 and 4 are nice and still around, maybe they're the ones to have fun with?
It doesn't sound great to be honest. You've given them the chance to sort dates and they haven't. Personally I'd not reply and let it go. It's sad especially as you thought you were good friends with family 1. I'd move on and let it go. They won't ever see why you're upset as it doesn't suit them. It is very hurtful though.
However much you analyse this and play it over in your mind you will never know what's going on in theirs. There's no point. Forget them and move on. They don't sound like they're very nice anyway.
I'm surprised your so shocked given their treatment of the other two families
PA memes on FB are never going to end well
Personally I think it was a goner already but she didn't like being called out on FB about it.
I assume you have other friends that you socialise with and I would concentrate on building those relationships rather than worrying about "past" friends.
I know it is horrible but we were "dropped" by 2 couples that we were friendly with, who I used to do lots of favours for etc and it hurts at the time. Now 3 years on I can see them for what they were - users who when they had no more use for us moved on themselves.
I think the Mumsnet term is "being wendied".
She has been called out and doesn't like it hence the message.
you have 2 choices as the friendship is over
2)reply with " l know it's true, you know it's true. Have a nice life--then block/no further interactions.
They didn't sound very nice anyway OP. You are better without them.
Sounds like family 1 decided to end the friendship but not tell you.
It was brave of you to tell woman of family 1 why you felt as you did. But U of you to mention family 2s' actions in your exchange to family 1, since family 2 not hosting was down to them. Had she wanted to still be friends she would've phoned or tried to meet up to sort things out.
I wonder what story families 3 and 4 have to tell!
Thank you, I agree my meme was goady. I do now question their treatment of families 3 and 4, who oddly they are spending time with again (hobby wise).
I should have gone quietly. Ashamed at meme.
Ah don't worry about it: was a one off and led to a frank text from you being honest about your feelings, which was brave IMO.
Thank you, I appreciate all your comments. Feeling quite rubbish - the last message from her stung. Love suggested response from inlecto
Given what they did to families 3 and 4 it shouldn't really have been a surprise! That said given she replied to the meme she knew it was aimed at her so yeah she must feel a bit guilty!! The friendship was probably over anyway but by posting the meme you cemented it. Find new friends less dramatic ones and forget about them!
I would have to ask her exactly what she meant by the head in the arse comment?
Exactly what Gamerwidow said. Pay attention to the meme & move on - they're not nice people & you're better off without them.
I think those people who pick up and drop people are best avoided myself. I can't see that you did anything wrong. They just aren't very nice people.
Something I've learned over time is to look at how someone treats others. They might be being nice to you now but how are they treating others around them. Because they'll treat you the same one day. The dropping of families 3 and 4 would have been a big red flag for me.
But you're well rid now. Time to move on. Good for you for pointing it out to them though. They sound hideous.
Everyone knows those sorts of memes are a bad idea, but tbh I'd have done the same. What they did was thoughtless and hurtful and I agree with a PP who said they were probably passed at being called out on it (you leaving the WhatsApp group would have alerted them, making it clear the meme was about them.)
Draw the line and move on. Sadly you will probably never know what family 2's issue was or why it spread to family 1. Find yourself some better friends and enjoy yourselves.
I posted a meme on Facebook saying "At some point you have to forget those people who have forgotten you." I hate these PA things usually but I decided it mentally drew a line for me.
Eh, you clearly don't hate them that much. Don't post PA crap on Facebook if you sincerely don't want the people you hate to see it and respond to it.
But you realise that now so that's good. You've clearly not lost anything so just chalk it up and move on. And next time someone upsets you, either leave it and move on or have an open and honest talk with them about it. Like nobody ever seems to do these days.
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