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Hubby's Hobby

(174 Posts)
Giraffelover22 Tue 30-May-17 17:41:04

Evening ladies,not sure if IABU.
Hubby and I have been together nearly 20 years and have 2 children and both work.
Hubby has always cycled to and from work as he has a condition meaning he will never be able to drive,so I am the sole driver in the family.
Lately he has taken to cycling as a hobby with friends,100 mile bike rides every Saturday,he also climbs on a Thursday evening.
His passion now seems to be taking over he went out cycling yesterday,has just text saying he is going out cycling tonight and has a 100 mile ride planned again for this Saturday.
Guess I am just feeling trapped and yearning for my own me time but being the only driver means I am responsible for ferrying kids to clubs,sleepovers,birthdays,camps etc.
A typical week is as follows:
Monday night,no commitments,hubby cycles.
Tuesday-DD1 has tennis,then Brownies until 7:45.
Wednesday-Dd1 Guides 7:30-9 Hubby cycles
Thursday-Dd1 Gym 7-8 Hubby goes climbing 7-11pm
Friday-DD2 Gym 4-5,then every other Friday DD1 youth club 7-9:30
Saturday-Hubby 100 mile ride
Sunday- Girls swimming lessons 10-12
Yes,I could have me time on a Sunday but I consider that our only family time in the week.
The responsibility falls to me to drop off and pick up from the various clubs and this past weekend DD1 has been on camp,so dropped off and picked up and had to make sure I'm around,cannot have a drink in case I need to collect in an emergency.
Two weekends time DD2 is off on Brownie camp,so again will be me dropping off etc.
Although I don't resent him not being able to drive and I knew this within days of us meeting,it can be so restricting at times as it means I am always on call to be somewhere, and he just gets to do his hobbies when he pleases as he has no ties.
Oh and we are going to Wales on holiday,he has now announced he wants to cycle and meet us there,leaving me with a 6 hour journey with the girls.

Trifleorbust Tue 30-May-17 17:43:11

He is being very unfair to you. How is he justifying this?

PotteringAlong Tue 30-May-17 17:44:05

Oh and we are going to Wales on holiday,he has now announced he wants to cycle and meet us there,leaving me with a 6 hour journey with the girls.

I hope you laughed at him!

Can he take the girls to some of their commitments on public transport? Or can they cycle to them?

ofudginghell Tue 30-May-17 17:47:05

Wouldn't have none of that I'm afraid.

Write down the planner for the month and show him. Ask him when he's going to star at helping with his kids and which night he will be dropping in order for you to have time out?
If he says no to dropping a night tell him that's fine but on a Sunday once clubs finished you will be going out on your own and he can spend quality time with the kids.
It won't take long for him to see how unfair that is and if it does he's an inconsiderate man.

Do it all with a calm smiley manner.
As my nan always used to say kill it with kindness smile

MumsGoneToYonderLand Tue 30-May-17 17:48:50

i would never put up with that. I kind of feel guilty that I asked DH to quit sunday football when second kid was born. But not that guilty ( as all footy brides know, it turns them into chauvinists who have to lie down all afternoon to recover while wifey makes a roast).
think maybe he could walk kids to clubs one night (or cycle with them!!) to give you a break and maybe have a night out with you too!

SweetLuck Tue 30-May-17 17:52:01

How old are the kids?

How far away are the activities?

Any possibility they could cycle?

SeaCabbage Tue 30-May-17 17:52:37

I think he needs to drop the cycling on a Monday so that you can get out and do something for yourself.

Also, he shouldn't cycle every Saturday, maybe every other Saturday. And you should definitely have maybe all those Saturdays that he is around, to go and do your thing again. Let him see what it is like.

What is he like to be around on a Sunday at the moment? Is he happy doing family things? Does he at least cook some evenings?

Giraffelover22 Tue 30-May-17 18:02:23

Public transport is not great in our area,unfortunately.
Sometimes he is not home for the start of clubs,he could pick up from Brownies and Guides,but they are 1.5 miles away it would mean by time they walk,cycle back the 7 year old wouldn't be asleep before 8:45 and the 11 year old would be getting on for 9:46.
Have spoken to him before about it,before it was this bad but he says he is not giving up climbing as he enjoys it and cycling as he enjoys it and doesn't want to get fat.
TBH if I he has to stay in on Sat or an evening he can be pretty arsey so sometimes it's better just to let him go rather than have an atmosphere.
I know I should stand up to him but he just gets so resentful about it,that sometimes it's just not worth the argument..
I don't want to cut down on girls clubs as they enjoy them,are doing well and look forward to going.

SweetLuck Tue 30-May-17 18:04:22

Nobody needs to be driven one and a half miles anywhere!

PotteringAlong Tue 30-May-17 18:07:46

1.5 miles is nothing! They can walk that, especially in the light nights. Talk to your husband, share the load.

If you don't want them to walk home then there's no reSon he can't walk them there

BandeauSally Tue 30-May-17 18:08:21

Right well looking at that schedule Monday night and every other Friday night are commitment free for the DC so I now declare those your evenings to do a hobby/get out of the house/ have a 3 hour bath. Tell him I said so and no argument. (But seriously, tell him those are now your nights!)

Every other Saturday would be enough for cycling too --in my house-

Cuppaoftea Tue 30-May-17 18:10:57

I'd tell him family holidays a 6 hour drive away are only going to happen if you all travel together. You do the driving, he keeps the girls occupied and makes sure you get proper breaks when you stop off.

sephymumma Tue 30-May-17 18:11:08

God this is why I'm glad my husband likes gardening... it seems that cyclists are always Selfish arseholes. Every thread where the husband has a hobby is about cycling. Id be puncturing a tire and getting yourself a night out. Let him sulk at home

MargotFenring Tue 30-May-17 18:11:38

I was almost a cycling widow, and I have a friend whose DH prioritises it above all their family life.

I had to stand firm, do my own thing. Actually just go and do it and ignore his complaining. We are now at a more reasonable balance, but the cycling hobby is a hobby that gets more and more expensive, in time and money. You have my sympathy.

BandeauSally Tue 30-May-17 18:12:22

And 1.5 miles would be very quick on a bike. No reason why he can't involve DC with his hobby.

My dad had a very time intensive hobby when I was growing up. It was horses so basically you can't just decide to have a day off from it, they need fed and exercised every day. The difference was that he had no choice but to have me and dsis right there with him as he fed, lunged, mucked out, washed, and competed. My mum worked nights in a hospital so she wasn't available for childcare most weekends. He just had to involve us. That's how it goes when you have kids.

MargotFenring Tue 30-May-17 18:12:49

Oh yes, so YANBU. Make time for you and do what you need to, don't let it take over.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Tue 30-May-17 18:15:11

Gees - that's a lot of cycling! shock

How old is DD1? She seems to be doing quite a lot of activities.

YANBU at all for wanting to know where your hobby/alone/relaxation time is.

There seems to be a thin line between hobby & obsession for some people and I'd say your DH is currently teetering on that line. Have you ever replied "no, sorry, I'm going out tonight myself" when he texts about another impromptu bike ride? What would he say if you did?

PsychedelicSheep Tue 30-May-17 18:15:23

I read somewhere that Lycra and pushbikes are the new sports cars and pony tails in terms of midlife crisis.

I know a few cycling widows who's 40 something husbands have taken it up and spent fuck loads on the gear and are out all day at it. I know it's a bit judgemental of me but I think they all look like such bellends.

milliemolliemou Tue 30-May-17 18:15:37

Sorry, but what's his condition that means he can cycle 100 miles over a weekend and climb, but not drive? If he's doing road work on his 100 miles biking (even if it's 100K) then the usual reasons would apply to cycling as well as driving (bad vision, fainting at wheel, back issues etc).
Major cycling can be addictive, just like marathon running. Like other PPs I think you need to tell him you want at least a couple of evenings a week when he fronts up and you can rely on him for child care and one day when you're all together as a family.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Tue 30-May-17 18:18:05

May I also ask how long your 6 hour car journey is going to take him on a bike?

Surely you'll be left to unpack everything, get the DDs settled & keep them entertained on your own for quite a while too?

Dawnedlightly Tue 30-May-17 18:20:35

What's the medical condition? hmm
At him- not you, OP.

cavatron Tue 30-May-17 18:21:15

Good GOD stop saying hubby. I stopped reading after the third

Giraffelover22 Tue 30-May-17 18:23:51

Well this is the other problem he is always buying new cycling stuff,parcels are always coming.
Once my half of the bills are paid,I then pay for all girls clothes,shoes,uniforms,clubs camps and family holiday.
I have raised money issue with him but he says the clubs,camps etc are not essential,which I agree they are not,so he is not contributing to them.
This year alone I have paid for Wales holiday,2 Brownie camps,I Guide Camp and a school residential for DD1,he also refuses to pay for school day trips as they are not essential.
I have said to him. "But if all their friends are going on these trips,camps,sleepovers,how can you say it's not essential?"
You can't not let your child go on a school outing and I think the camps are character building and good for them socially.I agree the residential is a luxury but it's 2 days at an outdoor activity centre,so I was happy to pay that.
But he just replies "Unless it's essential which clubs,trips and camps aren't,then you pay or they don't go"
Yet he pays for his cycling and climbing every week which I don't class as essential!

LittleBeautyBelle Tue 30-May-17 18:26:36

Haven't read the whole thread but:

If he can ride his bicycle as much and as far as that, he can DRIVE, good night in the morning! Why can't he drive?? You are doing absolutely everything. He climbs, too? He can drive. He's taking you for a ride, OP!

WateryTart Tue 30-May-17 18:26:42

He's a selfish prick, OP. Tell him to shape up or piss off.

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