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To feel my daughter should be remembered??

(74 Posts)
HulaMelody Tue 30-May-17 14:57:18

5 years today my daughter was stillborn. She'd be starting school this year.
Is it too much to ask for close friends to even send a text message to say they're thinking of us, or have they forgotten?
Of course I could always do a fb post but it's almost like wanting to remind people to care. And I'm not meaning I want lots of attention, just for close friends to acknowledge the pain I still feel every bloody day.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 30-May-17 14:59:15

flowers Of course your beautiful daughter deserves to be remembered.

It is not a date that people would naturally mark in their calendar so if you want support, please ask. They may not know, or be wondering if you want them to mark it.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 30-May-17 14:59:54

If you don't mind sharing, what was her name?

YoureNotASausage Tue 30-May-17 15:01:08

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. Do you talk about her regularly with friends? And mention other milestones regularly in relation to her? If not I'm not sure it would be natural for friends to keep pointing out these missed milestones to you, I'd certainly be afraid to say something that might trigger you. Unless you were always mentioning your daughter in this way yourself. Even then I'm not sure I'd risk it.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Tue 30-May-17 15:03:47

I doubt your friends have forgotten. . Likely they are waiting for a cue incase they appear insensitive to your feelings at this awful time. .
Maybe a group message to your closest friends and I bet they all reply with heartfelt words.
Sorry for your loss. . Can't imagine your pain. Have experienced mc but nowhere near your loss. flowers.

ArchieStar Tue 30-May-17 15:04:56

flowersflowers for you OP. Thinking of you!

foxyloxy78 Tue 30-May-17 15:05:14

flowers of course your precious little girl should be remembered. Sorry for your loss OP. Xx

PurpleDaisies Tue 30-May-17 15:07:34

So sorry for your loss. flowers

Sometimes people just don't know what to do for the best. It is possible they might not have remembered the date, but I'm sure they would want to know you're feeling sad.

HulaMelody Tue 30-May-17 15:07:55

I mention her a lot, and have already expressed to some of my friends that im finding this year especially hard.
The people I'm referring to have children of similar ages and have contacted us in past years.
I just feel that nowadays unless you're prepared to display it on social media, people won't proactively remember things.
And there's the whole 'everyone is so busy' argument but really it's 10 seconds to send a message, as I've come to expect that people will see their role as sending a quick text once a year rather than anything more.

HulaMelody Tue 30-May-17 15:08:16

And her name was Liberty.

ilovesooty Tue 30-May-17 15:09:31

That's a beautiful name.

Welshmaenad Tue 30-May-17 15:09:53

I am sorry for your loss. It is still her birthday, and I am sorry people have not remembered, or perhaps did so but were unsure about recognising the day through fear of upsetting you.

A friend lost her baby at 12 hours old, I send a birthday remembrance card for her, and mention her often, but I have taken my lead from my friend who also does so. It is such a difficult subject.

Welshmaenad Tue 30-May-17 15:10:23

Happy birthday Liberty. flowers

BritInUS1 Tue 30-May-17 15:11:24

Sorry for your loss. TBH I don't think I would remember the date but I would want to know if my friend was feeling sad and would be there for them x

LittleBooInABox Tue 30-May-17 15:11:56

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. It's hard to know what to say in times like these. If you don't mention it they may not want to mention for fear of upsetting you.

Thinking of you flowers

ThisIsNotARealAvo Tue 30-May-17 15:13:28

Without sounding harsh I don't think I would remember the exact date unless someone reminded me, so your friends won't have forgotten completely about Liberty, but maybe the date has slipped their minds?

People are often afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing so they do nothing.
flowers for you and for Liberty

Sundayspilot Tue 30-May-17 15:19:34

So sorry for your loss. I expect most of your friends genuinely don't know what to do.

I don't mean to make this about me, but a family member was killed during a socially taboo incident so outing I can't give more details. It was very sudden and shocking. I have NO clue how to approach his mother as the anniversary approaches. Do I call? Send flowers? Texting seems cold and impersonal.

Like me, your friends are likely hoping you'll spell out exactly the kind of support you need. They love you and don't want to get it wrong.

HulaMelody Tue 30-May-17 15:20:22

I just wish my friends would remember the exact date, as they had in previous years.
Just feels a bit like it's old news, and not seen as any sort of priority.
It's lonely enough being a bereaved parent without having to remind people of the most painful date of the year.

confusedat23 Tue 30-May-17 15:21:31

Happy Birthday Liberty flowers

FireflyGirl Tue 30-May-17 15:22:02

As someone on the other side, I think it's hard to know what to do for best. My cousin died 5 years ago this year. I thought about sending flowers, but my Auntie, understandably, still finds it incredibly difficult and the last thing I wanted to do was make it harder for her.

Also, last year, another cousin had a little girl who was stillborn. We didn't talk very often before and I haven't actually spoken to her or seen her since. It seemed disingenuous to me to contact her just for that reason, but I was thinking about her and her little girl.

I doubt that they have forgotten - although the date might have crept up on them, if you see what I mean. From my experience, I think it's more likely that they just don't know how to handle contacting you, so they're avoiding it. If you're close to them, you could maybe mention it, not in an accusatory way, just a 'it's okay to talk to me about her/remember her' way.

I hope that helps a little, and wasn't just waffle.

flowers for you and your beautiful girl

BluePeppers Tue 30-May-17 15:22:23

flowers for you and Liberty.

Wo sounding harsh, i wouldnt expect people to remembering her b'day unless they were very very close. So my own parents, PIL yes but friends probably unless we are very close.
I think there is a sense that life has moved on after 5 years. It has for them and it has changed a lot.
Obvioulsy for you its not the case and that's totally understandable (Im not sure you ever move on). But for most people 5 years will have been a long time iyswim.

XxStefxX Tue 30-May-17 15:22:41

Im so sorry for your loss OP. What a gorgeous name you chose for your daughter. Im sure your friends either didn't remember the date, or perhaps they didn't know what to say. xxx

SweetLuck Tue 30-May-17 15:23:36

So your child would be starting school in September and you're expecting a text from your friends at some point this year mentioning it?

I have a friend who had a stillborn child at about the same time as you and it wouldn't even occur to text her about it.

PurpleDaisies Tue 30-May-17 15:24:23

hula it's entirely possibly they've remembered but don't realise you would have liked a text from them. People deal with grief differently.

If your friends are generally supportive, try not to judge then too harshly for not knowing what you wanted of them. I know from my personal experience that anger about sad situations that can't be changed often gets deflected onto the people I'm close to.

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