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Feeling guilty about dsis convo with Dgm

(15 Posts)
turncoatchild Mon 29-May-17 23:45:12

So I'm feeling guilty about something that I've not done myself but have partly instigated... even if I do agree on a moral level.

Df has been, for want of a better word, a dick since my dm died. In the decade that has past he has close to disassociated our entire family and alienated us.

His dp is financially rinsing him. He pays all their bills and gives grocery money equivalent to my years grocery budget each month. She then siphons this off to her adult kids. This is all pretty much known but we're not in a position to say or do anything. Any time we've raised concern to my df/welfare etc his once open nature is very guarded etc. We've tried but have learnt to accept it.

Have been told that they won't be coming to see our new baby because it's too "difficult" (they live 5 minutes drive away from us but have a hyperactive dog that bites and chain smoke in their house so not suitable for kids).

It's all been a long tricky process and dsis and I have gritted our teeth and gone out of our way to get on with it.

Our dgm is our dd's stepmum but she is our grandma more than any other we've had. She lives far away but we go and see her whenever possible. Our aunt (dd's d half sister) has given up her freedom to care for her mum and look after her. Df hasn't been to see her more than once in 15/20 years. He actively avoids calling her because he says "there's nothing to talk about" and it's "depressing". Horrible behaviour.

Dsis and I have spoken about things and I found out that she spoke to dgm and said that we think she should leave everything to our aunt. I agree with this but am shocked dsis actually brought it up.

Df is well off (well he used to be. Doubt it now) and anything dgm would leave to him would just end up with his dp and children. She's already had everything my mum dedicated her life towards and we don't think that everything my dgm and dgd work towards should go to them either.

Apparently dgm didn't say anything but said she'd speak to our aunt.

I'm just a bit shocked and embarrassed that dsis has actually done this, even though I agree. Dgm made a promise to out dgd that she would make sure they were treated fairly but I don't think she could account for df's actions.

I'm not involved per se would never be as gutsy to speak about matters so freely but I feel guilty to be talking about df behind his back. Even if he's being an arse.

Is it bang out of order? We would gain nothing personally except contentment that the right people would get what they deserve.

Df doesn't even talk to his dsis now so I don't know if you could argue they would end up against each other.

I know for a fact dgm we're to go, df wouldn't go to her funeral. His dp was very rude to her the one time they did meet and burnt a fag burn into my dgd's chair (non smoking house too!)

But I also feel guilty that dsis has told a frail, housebound lady in her 90s all this sad stuff.

Gah not sure what to think. My heart is torn.

Stressedout10 Tue 30-May-17 01:34:58

What a sad and horrible situation but you shouldn't feel guilty about anything you've done nothing wrong nor from what you've said have you instigated anything and there is nothing wrong with having a conversation with your dsis about your df and agreeing with her what she chose to do is not your fault
P's I also agree he shouldn't get anything

ChasedByBees Tue 30-May-17 04:39:40

I think your DSis is right to have that conversation and your F shouldn't get anything.

luckylucky24 Tue 30-May-17 06:10:14

I think its okay to tell DGM the truth about what would happen to her money. You are not betraying your DF just protecting others.

There is a similar situation in our family. My mum for the last 13 years has been supporting her DF whilst he lost his wife, developed and overcame depression and met someone new who made him happy. He had an argument with him son 30 years ago and they barely speak. Everything he has will likely go to my mum. She has nothing to feel guilty about. She is the one who has been there for her Dad. Her brother barely sees him ad never rings.

Trifleorbust Tue 30-May-17 06:12:14

I sympathise. But I am not sure why he shouldn't be a beneficiary of someone's will just because he is choosing to spend his own money. You were right not to interfere and your sister was wrong.

heebiejeebie Tue 30-May-17 06:48:05

Are you certain that your sister wasn't angling for your grandmother to overlook you me father in favour of your generation?

MaisyPops Tue 30-May-17 06:57:45

It sounds like your sister put herself in an awkward position but I can see why she did. After all, her father isn't acting like a father, she's watching her late mums money fund her dad's partners ADULT children and is desperate that this freeloading piece of work doesn't live off her grandma's money too.

I think she is right to suggest everything goes to the aunt.

The dad can't isolate himself from his family, prioritise a new woman and her adult children over his ACTUAL children and then expect everyone to be thrilled with him.

Though if you say he's been an arse since he lost your mum, I wonder if some grief counselling mighy be in order. I'd be worried this new woman is taking advantage of a vulnerable man.

Hulder Tue 30-May-17 07:14:40

Very sad situation for all of you.

Elderly people may be frail but they aren't children - your DGM has a lot of life experience and can hardly have failed to notice that your DF hasn't visited her in 20 years.

Surely the fact that he is an arse has come up once or twice in conversation with her before now? She can't have been blissfully happy about family relationships until this one conversation with your DSis.

Let her have the opportunity to do as she wants with her money, aware of all the facts and with the wisdom of her years.

turncoatchild Tue 30-May-17 07:27:59

Thanks everybody for your kind words and reassurance. I can assure the pp that my sister is definitely not angling to receive anything. She can be quite outspoken at times blush but she has a good heart and,between us all we aren't interested in (or expecting) anything from anybody. We had a good mum that always taught us not to miss anything we never had. This is more about money equating a physical representation of someone's time spent of my life.

My dgm is def not daft, but I just felt a tad uneasy about the conversation itself. I doubt my dgm will do anything different.

As for my df, every attempt has been made to keep communications open with him and I don't overly blame his dp. I don't think this is what she set out to do at all,but more an opportunity arose and, like any mum, she is making sure her kids are ok. Though it's not something I would do myself.

It's just a shame. I love my dad and, at one point, I was so close to him. It often feels like when our mum died, my dad died too. However his behaviour has highlighted a lot of things I overlooked when I was younger that I'm now realising we're very manipulative. It turns out that he was very financially abusive to my mum amongst other things and it just highlights how he's treating a total stranger (to his family) so incredibly differently.

turncoatchild Tue 30-May-17 07:29:28

He was*

So sorry to hear this op. I'm in a similar position. Mum died 5 years ago and dads new partner and her kids are very greedy. However she's abroad so impact has been mitigated for now. Your sister did the right thing. It's awful just how powerless we are as their children. Sounds like your dad controlled the finances and as such your mum didn't leave you a separate inheritance. My mum was the same. I'm going to provide for my kids by leaving my half of the house in trust for them. If dh wants to act daft when I go that's up to him but not with my kids' inheritance. Best of luck

MrsBobDylan Tue 30-May-17 07:57:55

Just to put a different slant on it, unless you see your Dad hand over wads of cash each week or have seen evidence of the dd which goes into her account, it could well be that this money is myth your dad has created to torment you and your sister. Or something he did for a few weeks before stopping. It's certainly an effective way of causing pain to you and your dsis, the thought of your dad giving the money your mum never got to another woman, who then passes it on to her adult kids.

However, even if that is just a crack pot theory of minewink, my advice is this:

1) don't feel responsible for what your sister said. Your dgm will make up her own mind. Don't give it any more thought.

2) don't bother with your dad. He sounds incredibly manipulative and not the kind of person who deserves the love of two daughters.

You sound like a good, caring and lovely person and it makes me angry when parents get away with decades of shitty behaviour and still have adult children who care for them. Leave him to it. If he can't even see your new baby he's not worth the bother.

turncoatchild Tue 30-May-17 08:11:23

Thanks guys. smile

My dad has always been very open with finances with my sister but has gone completely NC.

The thing that initially raised the concerns was dad talking about bills with my sister that were completely ridiculous figures. He doesn't really understand how things cost. When my sister queried it he said that his partner Also he was once very generous with birthdays etc and this had been scaled back massively. He made a huge overblown gesture that he was going to pay for my wedding and honeymoon in front of my in laws. Thankfully Dh and I were skeptical and planned carefully and so we could lay cash and, lo and behold the day came to pay the bills and dad he couldn't afford it. Sorry. If we cancelled could we get our original deposits back. We thankfully had enough cash, paid and then the next day booked a holiday to the Caribbean with his dp. hmm

We've already said that she can have their place if he were to go first. We'd sign it over no problem.

But now dad has said she wouldn't be able afford to live there alone. I think this is his round about way saying he's leaving her everything or they've got married on the sly.

Just to point out that this is a woman who has just sold a very expensive flat she got for inheritance, had no mortgage on her house she sold, owns two abroad properties outright, has her deceased husband's pensions, life insurance etc.

She also has always kept money hidden around their house. I shit you not but she actually had a secret loose floorboard in her house she hid money under.

I'm getting bogged down in details now

turncoatchild Tue 30-May-17 08:12:12

His partner had told him the figures and not seen the bills himself. He just took it at face value*

turncoatchild Tue 30-May-17 08:16:15

I think I'm more ranting at this point now than anything.

Dsis has said that aunt has text her this morning and is going to give her a call next week. My aunt knows pretty much the full scale of what's going on anyway and she'll protect her mum.

Just pissed off with my dad's behaviour really. I hate that for someone who considers themselves so "clever" he's either being really daft or just doesn't care enough about his family to give a shit.

Thanks for letting me rant about it all. Xxxxx

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