To feel like maybe I don't have MH problems, and am just unlikeable?(33 Posts)
Posting here because I could talk to my lovely partner but they are already a bit worried about me, and I don't want to cause more worry.
I just feel very alone because I have no friends, and have a tense relationship with my family. I started having mental health issues in late teens and they came to a head in mid twenties. My relationship with my mother is ok but never been the same since.
I actively blamed her for leaving me as a baby with her own parents, because she had me as a teen. My nan was very loving but my grandpa disliked me intensely. My mum went back to drama school, then moved off to London. I've never had a relationship with my father, only met him a few times. My mum married a nice guy in time, but he had no interest in being a dad to me, went on and had kids with him. He was very honest and told me he liked me a lot, but didn't have the same love for me he had for my mum and my sisters.
Anyway, when I had my breakdown I blamed my mum for my upbringing being at the root of my self esteem issues. She was defensive and sometimes enraged, but did listen. She said she never thought it was that bad for me. She did apologize several times, in an angry kind of way.
The fact remains that no parent type person has ever warmed to me except my nan.
I am generally ok and just keep going with my life but sometimes feel very depressed. I have no friends really. I always expect people to dislike me and even when I do become friendly, I'm so scared of them turning on me. I've had a couple of very long term friendships and always thought I was doing ok, but both of these went wrong in the last few years. I was frequently excluded at school. I always had friends for a time, but always say or do the wrong thing and people just dislike me then.
In the friendships I do have or have had, I've come to realise how people treat me very carelessly or sometimes even with contempt. For a long time I tried to laugh everything off so people would think I was just very easy going.
I don't even know why I'm posting, I just feel very lost because I feel like I'm not mentally ill I'm just a person nobody likes. There's no medication I can take for that and don't know what to do.
You seem to be focusing on everyone else. Blaming everyone for something. You need to let go of all that. Easier said than done, I'm sure. But you'll get there and then you can focus on yourself more.
Oh op, sorry, I don't have any helpful advice, but didn't want to read and run for you
Focusing on everyone else how? I've already said I did blame my mum.
Now I just blame me, because I think I'm just not very nice at the core. It's left me not knowing what to do.
Without meaning to be rude - are you sure that you are seeing things accurately and not looking for slights or issues that aren't really there?
Your post reads rather "woe is me" and I can't help wondering if you are seeing things that aren't there in these friendship issues maybe? I know when my depression and anxiety were at their worst I found it hard to distinguish between what I thought/felt was an attack in me and what is in fact something entirely different. For example my best friend - we had a casual arrangement of meeting up on a Wednesday as neither of us worked that day. I felt like she was giving me the brush off and avoiding me because she cancelled for several weeks running. I got quite upset and went on the defensive only to finally have it pointed out (she knows me very well) that I was being ridiculous and it was just bad timing.
Ok, so I presume you are in England?
I think you are a bit down/reflective but are not mentally ill.
There are some gaps in your emotional history, and I suspect you are around people who instead of seeing you as a brilliantly successful version of you, they tend to see you as a bad version of what they want you to be, or of what they would be if they were 'you're' which of course is not you but a projection of themselves into you. This isn't helpful.
You need to heal/reconcile the gaps..which might be difficult for ppl to appreciate.. your gaps are around a warm parent on both sides, and a warm father/man especially. Your man was partially this,
One issue is that when you "do something wrong' in a friendship, healthy friends who are good at friendships reassure massively, and those transgressing (you) might feel unwanted for a bit and bounce back. You though, know some 'unwanted' feelings can be long lasting/permanent, so are probably more reliant on that reassurance. Than your friends realise. They may not even notice you have transgressed and so didn't offer the reassurance you needed to make you feel steady again. BUT English people are fucking awful at this bit, do it might be cultural oddness making it worse..
If you feel not liked it's sometimes because the people around you just aren't great. I feel not liked a lot but that is because I am working with fucking thick people, luckily I can still remember that lever people like me and I fit with them.
Another reason you might not feel liked is that people you know don't really know and like the authentic you, sort of in the same way as above..eg they like your normal bits but not, say, your music taste or level of ambition or way of looking at the world.
I know it sounded difficult! Lol
I'm sorry, I'm baffled as to what you even mean by saying you think I need to focus on myself? I've tried to build a life, got a good education, tried a career but failed from confidence in hindsight, but trying to sort out a way forward with a new job. Have had interests in sport, hobbies, etc. Always fucked up again from no confidence in myself. I do try very hard to keep going and keep focusing on bettering myself.
Thanks to you all for replying, I need to read the replies as a bit slow and cross posting tonight.
I don't think I'm seeing slights that aren't there. It's not that I'm feeling massively offended, just very tired of being the person that others treat carelessly.
This weekend I had one friend cancel because he was sick. I knew he was sick so was half expecting it. He cancels a lot. What I noticed was there wasn't even a sorry or an attempt at an apology, just a text on the day we were meant to meet up.
"There are some gaps in your emotional history, and I suspect you are around people who instead of seeing you as a brilliantly successful version of you, they tend to see you as a bad version of what they want you to be, or of what they would be if they were 'you're' which of course is not you but a projection of themselves into you. This isn't helpful.
One issue is that when you "do something wrong' in a friendship, healthy friends who are good at friendships reassure massively, and those transgressing (you) might feel unwanted for a bit and bounce back. You though, know some 'unwanted' feelings can be long lasting/permanent, so are probably more reliant on that reassurance. Than your friends realise. They may not even notice you have transgressed and so didn't offer the reassurance you needed to make you feel steady again. BUT English people are fucking awful at this bit, do it might be cultural oddness making it worse.."
ScaryClown I'm just reading this and not sure I understand especially about been seen as the bad version of you, or the bit about reassurance?
I do think you are reading too much into some of this. People get sick, things crop up. How much effort do you out into maintaining the friendships? Do you actively suggest meeting up? do you host?
Is it possible that you come across as needy or that you hold people at arms length because of your history maybe?
I am not trying to be mean, but sometimes we need to remember that when we point a finger at someone for doing something wrong there are 3 pointing back at ourselves
I'm getting the feeling that you think people won't like you. I think if you haven't had a great childhood you can think badly of yourself and what you have to offer in a friendship. I can't offer a solution, but you say you have a loving partner so you must be doing something right x
I think you sound like a really nice person and I am glad that you have a lovely partner. You were let down by other people and being reared by your grandfather who disliked you intensely at such a young age has damaged your self esteem. Your mum left you and your dad wasn't that interested. They should have treated you better and it was selfish of them not to have put you first.
Is it any wonder you lack confidence? It sounds like your mother's husband did really like you. I have a loving partner who isn't my kids dad and he really likes my kids but doesn't love them and I guess that is pretty normal.
I don't know how people become confident and maybe other posters will have some advice. Friendships do go by the wayside. It has happened to me especially as I get older but it is more to do with the fact that either I am not interested in maintaining the friendship or they are not interested. People do move on as they age, it is perfectly normal.
You are no doubt putting up a defense in your relationships and people probably read this as you being easy going and not that bothered.
I think more people feel like you than you would believe. I had parents who loved me. They were strict, it was the 60/70's, and to this day have never said they love me. It really wasn't said in those days, but I know they cared for me even though they were really cross a lot of the time. It was a case of too many kids, too little money and a pretty oppressive society.
The one thing that makes me feel less alone is that I believe most people feel this way and as I get older I prefer my own company.
Maybe try to develop some social skills, like chat to people out and about and smile at people. You are doing really well.
If you haven't already done so chat to your GP. Maybe you are depressed and need a helping hand. I was depressed and anxious a good few years ago and went on anti-depressants and beta blockers and they did help. I can only speak for myself but things did get better.
I hope things improve for you. Best wishes
I feel like it's always me suggesting meeting. If I don't I hear nothing from anyone really ever. Hence I'm not sure if they are even friends. Although in my opinion we have a nice time if we do meet.
I was definitely needy when I was younger, not so much anymore because I'm much more self sufficient. I do everything on my own and most of the time don't even think about it and if I do I don't tell anyone that it's bothering me. Except Mumsnet. Well half joking, because I'm honest with my partner that it gets me down sometimes.
As for holding people at arm's length, I'm not sure. Is this not just being independent?
How do you get the right place between being too needy or keeping people at arm's length? Surely it's only possible to get the right balance with people who actually like you to start with?
I'm very confused, I'm sorry.
I feel bad for you OP. Having those family circumstances will have a huge impact on a person's life. Everyone needs a secure and stable upbringing and you didn't get that. Id imagine you feel some jealousy towards your sisters. I know i would. Do you still have your nan? I'm not sure on advice. It's not likely that you're a horrible person as you are reflective and articulate. My best way of making friends is with a hobbie over time. I do agree that you need to let go of the blame (I agree it's your mum's fault but it's not helping you holding on to resentment). Can you afford counselling? Xxx
I feel I have let go blaming my mum, but just shifted it all onto myself and how it all must be my fault. Which is quite like how I felt when I was very young.
I put good boundaries up with her, in part after reading a lot of the relationships board.
In regards to your upbringing - concentrate on acceptance that you can't change what has happened and forgiveness so that you have peace.
Also when you try to make arrangement, name a day, time and place. Be exact but open to alternatives.
What happened with your two friends?
Then you need to forgive and accept yourself. Be kind to yourself.
You don't sound like you're unlikeable at the core. You sound like you had a hard upbringing, let down by most of the people who should have shown you love and you have had a hard time trusting friendships because of that. That will, in turn will make it hard to make friends, but that's very different from being unlikeable. Honestly I think you would do better to blame your mum and dad (and your grandfather), none of whom put your welfare at the top of their priorities the way they should have. But you still need to try and move on, are you getting counselling?
I felt like this last year and it's hit home hard that actually a lot of people are so wrapped up in themselves that you are just something in their life that they don't actually have any loyalty to. And you also need to accept people are busy with their lives. Your thoughts and emotions sound really jumbled, have to tried talking to a counsellor about things? Maybe learning how to use your weaknesses to your advantage and organise your feelings such as CBT? It sounds like you need to let the past go qnd move on into who you truly are as a person...its easier said than done though i think
Reading that, I think it is your parents fault to be honest. You mother let you down appallingly and went on to have children with a man who was not prepared to love you like his own.
She did apologize several times, in an angry kind of way.
That doesn't sound like a sincere apology.
As to now, I think it's understandable to react to friendships as you do. It may be that you unfortunately have a bunch of flakes as friends at the moment (it happens) or maybe you want more reassurance than they can give.
One thing is clear: you are not unlikeable.
Have you considered counselling for the issues from your childhood?
I really recognise how you feel. I don't have any easy solutions but it's not surprising you feel this way. Reading the book 'They f**k you up" gave me some insight - you experienced the world as a hostile and dangerous place so you expect the same. People react to you sensing your unease and are often hostile as a result. I felt like a ready made victim due to my family and was consequently bullied throughout school. After that I withdrew and am very careful about who I consider a friend and rarely ask for help even then. I don't trust anyone and I'm not happy and light so people react to that. People who had very loving and secure childhoods won't understand, it's like you're living on another planet. That can add to the sense of loneliness. I'm pretty sure people are naturally selfish, yes they like to help but only in ways they want to give, not in the way you may need. Your happiness can only come from yourself and being comfortable in your own skin. Finding the right therapy will really help. Mindfulness is useful and I've gained more insight with ACT therapy - there are some books which can help or search on YouTube. Give yourself a break and allow some time to explore different options. Give yourself compassion and be kind to that small child who was going through such a hard time, that child didn't deserve it and did nothing wrong.
Childhood experiences can really affect the kind of people you attract into your life and also will have affected your ability to negotiate trust and openness and that sort of thing. Understanding that is the key to making it better - you missed out on a lot, and you need to know what you missed out on to be able to fix it.
Not wanting to do an armchair diagnosis but I wonder if you identify with this description of avoidant personality disorder? It sounds a lot like you describe.
Have you thought about going to counselling?
I popped on to mention attachment disorder, also known as developmental trauma.
Also, don't forget other people may look confident and successful, but are quite likely feeling like you inside! A lot of us are faking it!
Try and focus on what you have, on the good stuff. Focus on your gran loving you, on your DP, on anything else which is good.
Your mum sounds awful and so does her dp.
Op i feel for you. I am not surprised you are down. I would try councelling.
Fwiw i dont have many friends either but i have decided that they are overrated!
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