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AIBU to stay single as no one will match up to my ex?

(159 Posts)
pinkandwhite26 Mon 29-May-17 11:13:34

I broke up with my ex last year but we've stayed in touch and see each other sporadically. We broke up because he didn't want a relationship and we moved apart. I've travelled to see him since and vice versa. I'm 28 and he is 30.

I've done a bit of dating but it seems pointless and it just highlights to me how much I miss my ex and how he is perfect. I honestly don't see that I'll meet anyone else that matches up to him.

I'm happy other areas of my life and happy single at the moment but I do want children and eventually I want to meet someone. I can see that there would be benefits to meeting someone that I really like who also wants to commit to me. But meeting other men just makes me so upset as they're not him and we don't have the same connection.

AIBU to just accept that no one else will measure up to my ex and just stop bothering?

BadLad Mon 29-May-17 11:16:13

You're obviously not over your ex yet, so yes, probably not much point bothering at the moment.

BadLad Mon 29-May-17 11:17:33

Once you are over him, though, meeting over men won't upset you any more. So give it time and see how you feel.

mummymeister Mon 29-May-17 11:19:58

stop seeing your ex altogether. its just prolonging the agony of the break up for you. this is now about you - singular you, not the couple you that you were before.

a completely clean break is going to be the only way to go. sometimes with distance you can see things a bit more clearly and whilst he seemed like Mr perfect he is only Mr compromise.

I would stop looking to date and start doing new things that perhaps you have always thought you would like to do.

Pinkheart5917 Mon 29-May-17 11:20:27

Once your are over him, and in time you will be you will probably feel different.

No point in dating when your still hang up on an ex

Lostatsea123 Mon 29-May-17 11:21:13

I hope you're not having sex with your ex OP.

You're clearly still in love with him but ultimately you broke up because he didn't want a relationship, if he still feels the same way stop sleeping with him if you still are, even if it's sporadically! Otherwise the guy really is having his cake. He's single and still benefitting from having regular, reliable sex with his ex. You have moved in to friends with benefits territory which is great for him, crap for you.

Cut your loses with him and enjoy single life until someone comes along who does want to offer you the commitment you want and deserve.

pinkandwhite26 Mon 29-May-17 11:29:26

Yes we're still sleeping together... most of the time we see each other it's framed as 'for sex' but we don't always do it, a lot of the time it's just talking etc.

I was thinking about just waiting for him to be ready for a relationship but there's obviously no guarantee it will be with me. I thought even if I have to wait 5 years I would rather that than settle for someone else. But I'm not sure if that's selling myself short?

Vroomster Mon 29-May-17 11:30:55

You need to stop seeing him and you definitely need to stop having sex with him. You will never move on.

DailyMailReadersAreThick Mon 29-May-17 11:35:39

One of my closest friends is 40 and single because of a situation like this. She's known the man 10 years and hasn't been able to move on because he contacts her and still has sex with her occasionally. She doesn't think she'll ever have kids and will die alone because of it.

Stop seeing him.

Marmalade85 Mon 29-May-17 11:36:10

Your ex is perfect in every was apart from one crucial aspect - he doesn't want to be with you.

Dawnedlightly Mon 29-May-17 11:37:38

As Marmalade says, he's not perfect because he doesn't want to be with you. flowers

chocatoo Mon 29-May-17 11:38:10

I think that if he knows that you love him and want to stay with him but he is unwilling to have a relationship then he doesn't love you enough. You need to move on.

BadLad Mon 29-May-17 11:41:14

Yes we're still sleeping together... most of the time we see each other it's framed as 'for sex' but we don't always do it, a lot of the time it's just talking etc.

I think he's keeping you dangling. You'll do to have sex with when he feels like it, but no more than that.

PeaFaceMcgee Mon 29-May-17 11:42:15

I'm not sure if that's selling myself short?

I'm afraid you are. He doesn't love you. Having sex with him and staying in contact is no way to keep his commitment going - he might even think less of you for having so little self esteem.

I had a relationship that ended like this, still flirted and slept together occasionally after he ended it. I was waiting for him to realise his mistake and magically fall in love with me. Within weeks of sleeping together he proposed to someone else I'd never even heard of..

"But we aren't together!"

It's a total mind-fuck and you'll never move on like this. He's not worth it. Please work on yourself x

pinkandwhite26 Mon 29-May-17 11:42:43

I don't think he knows I love him, I think he thinks I'm happy with the situation. I don't see the point telling him how I feel because I know he doesn't want to commit, all the signs are there.

But what's the point dating someone else, if you've already experienced perfection? Just because he doesn't like me, doesn't mean that he isn't perfect.

DailyMailReadersAreThick Mon 29-May-17 11:44:02

How old are you?

Lostatsea123 Mon 29-May-17 11:44:07

OP that's definitely selling yourself short. I'll make a prediction, one of two things is going to happen, either you'll keep waiting for him to decide he wants a relationship with you and eventually he'll tell you he's got to stop seeing you because he's met someone OR you'll eventually get fed up of waiting for him and you'll realise it's not going to happen and you deserve more than this. Actually there's also a third, you will meet someone else.

Ex sex is only good if you're both getting what you want from it, he is, but you're not, you're hoping it will lead to a committed relationship.

Lostatsea123 Mon 29-May-17 11:45:37

You might think he's perfect but the situation isn't. A perfect situation would have you both in love and committed to each other, you're in love with him but he's not in love with you.

Emmageddon Mon 29-May-17 11:45:42

You are definitely selling yourself short. What are you going to do when this perfect bloke of yours falls in love with someone, and your friends with benefits scenario stops? You will be heartbroken all over again. Go cold turkey and stop seeing him. You are worth more than this.

pinkandwhite26 Mon 29-May-17 11:46:35

I'm 28 I already posted that.

I know I sound naive and stupid but I'm not actually. I've had several relationships and dated a lot of men. In all other ways I'm very intelligent and independent. I have a good degree, job etc and I earn good money.

This guy has just got right under my skin! He is streets ahead of anyone else I've ever met.

RedheadLover Mon 29-May-17 11:47:27

I've been in the same situation and I agree with PPs - you need to stop seeing/contacting him. If you can't bring yourself to delete him from social media then mute his posts. His family's too.

It's hard but carrying on the way things are will be worse.

Think of it this way - if he was really perfect then why would he be putting you through this?

randomuntrainedcuntowner Mon 29-May-17 11:47:27

I was hung up over my ex for YEARS. In fact my relationship with my dds dad I now realise was always doomed to failure because i met him on the rebound and he just didn't match up. However, I am now well and truly over him (about 8 years later - but I have been over him for ages) and have now literally met my mr right. He has all the good qualities of my ex but without the bad bits - I look back now and while there was always a great chemistry between my and exdp (there is even better chemistry between me and current bf), he was quite controlling and judgemental and I could not imagine ever e.g. Having kids with him as I would be constantly put down about my weight etc. My new dp really accepts me for who I am and I have never been so happy. With time the rose tinted spectacles will fall from your eyes I'm sure. Why did you break up? You will always carry a torch for "the one that got away" but over time you will realise there are probably good reasons for it not working out.

NewStateswoman Mon 29-May-17 11:48:38

Someone who dumps you then gets you to hang around so he can shag you when he can be bothered is very far from perfect, my love.

Stop seeing him, get your head straight and find someone who thinks that you are perfect too.

pinkandwhite26 Mon 29-May-17 11:50:18

I actually ended it... I got a new job which I knew was a few hundred miles away from where he was moving to (he had a new job too). So I asked what he thought about long distance and he didn't sound keen and tbh neither was I so I said we should just end it. Stupidly we got back in touch a few weeks later and then we've seen each other about once a month ever since.

Maudlinmaud Mon 29-May-17 11:50:31

Op who knows this might be the one and you may go on to live happily ever after but what if he's not. What if you spend the best part of your life waiting for him to realise that he wants you and only you and that doesn't happen?
Distance yourself and start your recovery. Life is too short.

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