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EX not coming because of me

(69 Posts)
Contactexsituation Sun 28-May-17 18:48:58

Starting with background so I don't drip feed. Sorry its probably more of a WWYD

Ex was married and had DS1 and DD1, his wife then passed away. This all happened before I met him. So we met a couple of months afterwards. Lots of people warned me against him as he had a reputation for sleeping around. However at the time he was very nice to me and convinced me that he loved me and we married and I adopted his DCs and we had DS2 together .

Things got steadily worse after we got married he became more and more controlling and abusive towards me. This got worse after I had DS2. I then found out that he had cheated on me throughout our relationship and when I tried to confront him he was horrible to me in front of the DCs and I realised that I had to leave.

So I left him with all the DCs and got a job and a small place to live. Ex originally wanted full contact of DS1 and DD1 and EOW and 3 nights a week with DS2. However DS1 and DD1 were old enough to have a say and they didn't want to live with him all the time. So in the end he was granted EOW and two nights a week for all the DCs.

He kept this up for a couple of months and then gradually he had more and more excuses, gradually he stopped doing the weeknights and then he was only seeing them one weekend a month. CM also gradually reduced and he claimed he had lost his job or move house so he could avoid paying it.

In the last two years he has seen them 3 times last Christmas and the Christmas before and last fathers day. DS1 is friends with EX on facebook. Ex sometimes suggests plans between them but then he drops out. DS1 says they talk once every 2-3 months or so for about 15 minutes.Ex also emails me for a brief update once a month.

During this time I met DH and we married and I had DD2 3 months ago.
We have been having issues with DS1 not behaving or trying at school since he was in year 8. At the end of year 10 he failed all is mock GCSEs because he didn't even try. But he wants to do music in college, but assumed he wouldn't need any GCSEs to get onto a BETC course. Ex supported DS1 on this and encouraged him to mess around in school.

So I took him to the local college and they told him that he would need some GCSEs to get onto the BETC course. While we were there they gave us a tour and we saw some of the other course departments and DS1 realised that actually he would quite like to do A-levels in a couple of subjects. He realised that it was going to take a lot of work but he really tried hard throughout year 11. We got him tutors and when the teachers realised he was serious some of them helped him too. He is currently doing his GCSE's and so far he says they are going ok and he is trying his best.

DD2 was born prematurely and spent the first 2 and a half months of life in the hospital . It's been really tough and between visiting her and making sure DS1 was supported I am tired and stressed and admittedly wile all this was going I forgot to check the email account I use for EX's updates and therefore I missed 1 updating emails.

So on friday night it suddenly occurred to me to check them. I did and ex has sent me loads of emails telling me how awful I am for not emailing him back. I messaged him straight away apologising for the delay and explaining what happened. He emailed me back a load of abuse and threats about going to court.

He then messaged DS1 on facebook telling him that I had been deliberately not messaging him and that I had caused EX so much stress and worry. So DS1 was then upset with me for not updating his dad.

Then yesterday EX emailed me saying that he wants to take me to court for failing to provide him updates on his kids. I messaged back pointing out that he has broken the initial court agreed visitation and he doesn't pay CM therefore if we went to court he would be much more worse off than me.

He then messaged DS1 and told him that until I make it up to him he will not be coming to see them on fathers day. DS1 is devastated because it is very likely that we won't see him till Christmas now. DS1 is very angry and upset with me and he wants to know why I am not bending over backwards for his dad.

I'm not sure what to do, I don't really want to beg EX to come. But at the same time I was in the wrong for not updating and DS1 loves EX and I know I should put it aside and just do whatever it takes for him. I'm worried that if we don't sort this soon DS1 will go back to not caring about school.

So AIBU to not beg EX to come and visit the DCs or should I just suck it up for DS1?

DoloresTheRunawayTrain Sun 28-May-17 18:56:35

Get DS1 some counselling so he can realise his fathers actions are his own responsibility. No, you should not bend over backwards that is emotional blackmail, your ex's children are now old enough to manage their own level of contact with him. He isn't thinking about their welfare at all, just fucking them over to punish you.
You can in the meantime tell your DS1 that you cannot do all the work to make a relationship with him and his father happen if his father won't put in any effort. He knows this deep down but takes it out on you because he doesn't want to face the truth and lashes out at you because he feels safe that he can rain hell on you and be in as much pain and as vulnerable as he can and you won't cut him off for it. Around his father however, he has created a mythos that he is perfect and I have no doubt one where he is also the perfect son. So he will raise no issues with him and blame you for everything, as well as accepting any blame your ex dishes out towards you because he knows his father will withhold a relationship from him.

Msqueen33 Sun 28-May-17 18:58:33

This is a really tricky one as obviously you don't want to upset the children. What a bastard leaving you with his two children and I think you've been amazing raising children you aren't related to.

I'd be tempted to gently explain to DS1 about his father. I don't see why you should shoulder the blame and take his anger when it should be directed to his useless arsehole father.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 28-May-17 19:00:37

He is trying to blame you for his arseholeism
You were tending to a new baby. . You don't need to tend to a grown up ffs.
Let him threaten away. . The dc sound quite entitled unless you have always shielded them from his faults. Maybe they need the truth now they are older. .

StripeyDeckchair Sun 28-May-17 19:01:55

You were in the wrong for not updating when your newborn daughter was ill in hospital & (presumably) you still had to keep things going for your other 3 children?

I think not.

Ex needs to have a reality check.
As for only seeing his children twice a year, how could he care so little? It should be all about the DC but one of his 2 contact days is about him - father day.

He's in direct contact with at least one of his children so he is being totally unreasonable about you not emailing him.

In your shoes I'd take him to court for maint £ and sole custody because he sees them so little.

But I'm a vindictive bitch, abandoning your children & bad mouthing the ex to them is unforgivable in my books. They will work out the bigger picture for themselves as they get older and see & hear how different parties behave.

Hope all is now ok with the baby flowers

AvoidingCallenetics Sun 28-May-17 19:10:14

If he wanted updating so much, he would have made the effort to see them!
Agree that your ds1 is blaming you because you are safe and will love him no matter what. Also agree that talking this through with a counsellor might help him.
I wouldn't beg exh to do anything. Once he thinks he has power over you, he'll be forever using the children to get you to do what he wants.

jeaux90 Sun 28-May-17 19:10:18

You have done nothing wrong. I think your son would benefit from some counselling too. He can talk about everything going on but get to realise how unreasonable your ex is behaving.

LagunaBubbles Sun 28-May-17 19:12:09

You're not in the wrong at all, I'm sorry he's made you feel like he is. Stop trying to protect DS1s feelings to about the lack of contact and their relationship. Let him "take you to court", it's all nonsense and threats he has no intention of carrying out, it would get laughed out! He's only doing it to still try and control you.

SofiaAmes Sun 28-May-17 19:16:32

You are describing my ex!!! Just don't engage or answer back. Your ds1 is old enough to do his own updating with his father and you must make it clear to him that it's his responsibility. He will eventually realize what a loser his father is. My ds did. It's not a great place to be, but better than blaming mom for all of dad's issues.

Msqueen33 Sun 28-May-17 19:24:06

I would email ex back and say now the dc are older he can contact them to make his own arrangements and be "updated". Entitled twat that he is.

PeoniesGinandBags Sun 28-May-17 19:28:15

On a tangent note, I'd also let school know what's happening. They can make sure he seems settled going into his exams etc. I know it's not much but just having someone looking out for him there might help settle nerves etc x

EezerGoode Sun 28-May-17 19:33:21

Your to involved and trying to don't need to have any contact with the ex...apologise to his / yr son for the delay in emailing his father.then tell him it's up to him .and your not doing it any more...tough love..needed for them both.stop tying yourself up in are a fabulous mum,if a tad over invested...let them get on with it,in the nicest possible way

Willyoujustbequiet Sun 28-May-17 19:33:40

What an utter twat. A deadbeat in every sense of the word.

What would he have done if you hadn't taken his children on as your own?

If it were me I would pursue him for every penny you are due. Be honest with your dc. They need to know that their father is responsible for his own actions.

Contactexsituation Sun 28-May-17 19:34:38

I can't just leave DS1 to contact ex because I still need to update ex about DD1 and DS2.

StaplesCorner Sun 28-May-17 19:40:26

so you didn't contact him for what, a month or two, due to your new DD being sick? Did he even pick the bloody phone up to see if something was wrong? or contact one of his kids and ask if they are ok and if you'd gone under a bus?

I think the only mistake you made was to apologise for not being in touch. Explain the situation to DS1 - he has to know sometime what a selfish arse his Dad is.

redshoeblueshoe Sun 28-May-17 19:40:41

How awful. I assume his exams start very soon.

CherryMintVanilla Sun 28-May-17 19:40:48

Your DS1 is 15/16? Old enough to not swallow any old rubbish his Dad feeds him. And old enough presumably to see how much you've had on your plate. And that his DF makes no contribution whatsoever to his life. Why can't he update his Dad on what he's doing? Do not let this boy follow in his father's footsteps and have a female punching bag handy for everything that goes wrong in his life. You won't be doing him any favours.

CherryMintVanilla Sun 28-May-17 19:43:43

I still need to update ex about DD1 and DS2

Do you?

You know what the best way to stay in touch with your children is? Seeing them! If he can't be bothered that's his problem. You don't owe him anything. No more reports for ex. If he wants to know his children let him make the effort. Let him go to court if he wants. Apply for maintenance! Your DS1 is upset anyway, you may as well take the opportunity to sort things out now.

Contactexsituation Sun 28-May-17 19:44:17

DS1 was in counselling with the school but he stopped going.

I have tried to be honest with the DCs whenever they ask about their dad. But also tried to be careful not to sound like I'm slagging him off.

DD1 doesn't really want anything to do with Ex and would rather not see him.
DS 2 isn't really bother about seeing ex. When he comes DS2 enjoys spending time with him and is a little upset for about a week after he leaves but he soon settles again.

CrazedZombie Sun 28-May-17 19:45:10

You didn't forget the updates on purpose. Ds is angry because of his father's threats about not coming - not because you screwed up. Ds1 is old enough to take over the updates. You've said sorry and if it goes to court- don't worry. You have s history of sending the updates so you're clearly not being obstructive. He has a way of contacting ds directly. You only have to be involved if something extreme happens like he's arrested or hospitalised.

Has ds1 had any counselling?

As for money - go to the CSA! If he's redundant then CSA won't make him pay.

TheGreyBlock Sun 28-May-17 19:46:52

Are these monthly updates included in the court order?

Was there ever a court order to change contact from weekly to once a month?

blondiebonce Sun 28-May-17 19:50:04

If he does actually bother to go to court, I wonder what he'd say to his solicitor? "I need you to represent me because I ditched my children, I'm half arsed etc etc and when my ex had a little baby in hospital and busy supporting my son through a tricky time, she didn't reply to my quarterly update email! I sent her an email that told her what I thought hands over copy So obviously I need to get my way"

Imagine the solicitors face! What a twunt. You're awesome.

Contactexsituation Sun 28-May-17 19:54:35

We did go through CSA initially but he always managed to avoid them or get out of paying the full amount.

We had a court order for the weekly contact but we haven't changed it despite the reduced contact.
I never bothered with it because I thought that if I tried to change it Ex would fight against it and try and get more time with the DCs.

EweAreHere Sun 28-May-17 19:55:38

I agree with the counseling suggestion for DS1 to help hiim understand that his father is a grown up and responsible for his own choices, essential abandonment of his children, failure to provide for them etc and blame everyone else for his choices.

Sorry, OP. I hope your DD2 is doing well now.

Contactexsituation Sun 28-May-17 19:55:57

Oh and the monthly updates aren't included in the court order.

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