Starting with background so I don't drip feed. Sorry its probably more of a WWYD
Ex was married and had DS1 and DD1, his wife then passed away. This all happened before I met him. So we met a couple of months afterwards. Lots of people warned me against him as he had a reputation for sleeping around. However at the time he was very nice to me and convinced me that he loved me and we married and I adopted his DCs and we had DS2 together .
Things got steadily worse after we got married he became more and more controlling and abusive towards me. This got worse after I had DS2. I then found out that he had cheated on me throughout our relationship and when I tried to confront him he was horrible to me in front of the DCs and I realised that I had to leave.
So I left him with all the DCs and got a job and a small place to live. Ex originally wanted full contact of DS1 and DD1 and EOW and 3 nights a week with DS2. However DS1 and DD1 were old enough to have a say and they didn't want to live with him all the time. So in the end he was granted EOW and two nights a week for all the DCs.
He kept this up for a couple of months and then gradually he had more and more excuses, gradually he stopped doing the weeknights and then he was only seeing them one weekend a month. CM also gradually reduced and he claimed he had lost his job or move house so he could avoid paying it.
In the last two years he has seen them 3 times last Christmas and the Christmas before and last fathers day. DS1 is friends with EX on facebook. Ex sometimes suggests plans between them but then he drops out. DS1 says they talk once every 2-3 months or so for about 15 minutes.Ex also emails me for a brief update once a month.
During this time I met DH and we married and I had DD2 3 months ago.
We have been having issues with DS1 not behaving or trying at school since he was in year 8. At the end of year 10 he failed all is mock GCSEs because he didn't even try. But he wants to do music in college, but assumed he wouldn't need any GCSEs to get onto a BETC course. Ex supported DS1 on this and encouraged him to mess around in school.
So I took him to the local college and they told him that he would need some GCSEs to get onto the BETC course. While we were there they gave us a tour and we saw some of the other course departments and DS1 realised that actually he would quite like to do A-levels in a couple of subjects. He realised that it was going to take a lot of work but he really tried hard throughout year 11. We got him tutors and when the teachers realised he was serious some of them helped him too. He is currently doing his GCSE's and so far he says they are going ok and he is trying his best.
DD2 was born prematurely and spent the first 2 and a half months of life in the hospital . It's been really tough and between visiting her and making sure DS1 was supported I am tired and stressed and admittedly wile all this was going I forgot to check the email account I use for EX's updates and therefore I missed 1 updating emails.
So on friday night it suddenly occurred to me to check them. I did and ex has sent me loads of emails telling me how awful I am for not emailing him back. I messaged him straight away apologising for the delay and explaining what happened. He emailed me back a load of abuse and threats about going to court.
He then messaged DS1 on facebook telling him that I had been deliberately not messaging him and that I had caused EX so much stress and worry. So DS1 was then upset with me for not updating his dad.
Then yesterday EX emailed me saying that he wants to take me to court for failing to provide him updates on his kids. I messaged back pointing out that he has broken the initial court agreed visitation and he doesn't pay CM therefore if we went to court he would be much more worse off than me.
He then messaged DS1 and told him that until I make it up to him he will not be coming to see them on fathers day. DS1 is devastated because it is very likely that we won't see him till Christmas now. DS1 is very angry and upset with me and he wants to know why I am not bending over backwards for his dad.
I'm not sure what to do, I don't really want to beg EX to come. But at the same time I was in the wrong for not updating and DS1 loves EX and I know I should put it aside and just do whatever it takes for him. I'm worried that if we don't sort this soon DS1 will go back to not caring about school.
So AIBU to not beg EX to come and visit the DCs or should I just suck it up for DS1?
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AIBU?
EX not coming because of me
68 replies
Contactexsituation · 28/05/2017 18:48
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