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AIBU?

To be annoyed at other half?

29 replies

Belle1616 · 28/05/2017 15:05

Ok some mumsnet perspective required. Sorry I havent done any diagrams.

Am expecting our first child, OH has told me that when baby is just under 3 months he is going abroad for 3 weeks, it was supposed to be 2 but has now been extended. His family is based here but from another country and they have houses etc there and he is going to sort some stuff for his mum but will be a bit of a holiday too.

I haven't said don't go but I said 3 weeks is too long. 2 weeks should be long enough.

Nearest family is 2.5 hours away and whilst my mum will help if I stay she is mid 70s and not as active as she used to be.

He seems to think it should be be an issue and I'll be fine on my own.

I think he's being a bit selfish. Aibu?

OP posts:

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RebornSlippy · 28/05/2017 15:08

Go with him? Perfect age to travel with a baby because they do nothing but eat, sleep, poop.

Belle1616 · 28/05/2017 15:09

I can't the country is a bit dangerous and the baby will be too young to have all the vaccines needed.

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 28/05/2017 15:09

Have baby -
Will travel.
Enjoy!!

RebornSlippy · 28/05/2017 15:12

Oh well, it's not ideal, but really, you'll be fine. Again, refer to the eat, sleep, poop. I think being with a toddler on your todd would be worse!

Use the time before he goes to get plenty of 'me time'. Stock the freezer so you don't have to do much cooking. You'll be doing it all, never easy, but absolutely doable.

Whether your OH is selfish, well, you know better than us, OP!

HeyCat · 28/05/2017 15:24

I think at this stage, just explain to him that nobody can predict how the birth or recovery will go, or what type of baby you'll have.

At 3 months with DS2 I'd have been a bit lonely, and DH would have missed out on some cute changes, but it would have been totally doable.

At 3 months with DS1 there is no way I could have coped alone for even a full day as he was very clingy, had reflux etc and I was having a difficult recovery.

It's just unpredictable. So he can make those plans, but he should get refundable tickets in case it turns out you need him.

MsHopey · 28/05/2017 15:30

Parenting is a partnership, and if you are unhappy with him leaving for so long he should take your thoughts and feelings into consideration and respect them. You haven't mentioned how essential it is for him to go and sort these issues out, and if it could wait or if there is someone else available to do it instead of him.
I know my husband wouldn't want to leave my side when our DS is young because he'd be worried about missing something and would want to be here to look after us both.
Essentially, as a couple, if your not happy he should really rethink his plans as it is a vulnerable time to leave you alone.

BusterGonad · 28/05/2017 15:36

If the birth is straight forward I think it's do able. When you've just had a baby all you do is feed, change, sleep and repeat.

Trifleorbust · 28/05/2017 16:24

I don't think it's okay to make a unilateral decision about such a long trip. No.

RandomMess · 28/05/2017 16:30

I don't think it's ok for him to unilaterally decide to spend that much time, money and annual leave without discussing it with you.

Why on earth does it need to be 3 weeks, why does his Mum need him to go etc?

yayayahey · 28/05/2017 16:33

That's really shit. I'd be upset.

JoandMax · 28/05/2017 16:36

Could you ask he goes for just the 2 weeks as originally planned?

While you would be fine for 3 weeks if you had to be it is tiring and relentless! DH was traveling again with work from when our DC were a few weeks old, sometimes up to 2 weeks, and I would make sure I had fully stocked up freezer and cupboards, trash TV planned and lots of meet ups with friends to keep me company!

firawla · 28/05/2017 17:00

I don't think it's fair if him to do that especially with it being your first baby. Plus, "just under 3 months old" if you were over due could end up being barely 2 months and with your 1st you'd still be very much getting used to having a new baby. Why can't it wait a bit? He is being a bit inconsiderate

witsender · 28/05/2017 17:03

It isn't fair of him to just decide. But equally if all goes well with birth etc then with just one baby that age it should be perfectly do-able, you are unlikely to need a lot of help

Belle1616 · 28/05/2017 17:24

I have asked for 2 weeks, I said that was fine and 3 was too long. He wont listen. Then gets annoyed I'm upset about it, saying it's not that long. I'd like to see how he copes all alone with a baby for 2 weeks.

OP posts:

LouHotel · 28/05/2017 17:31

Their are armed forces families who cope with longer deployments so its doable. However the difference he has the choice to stay.

For instance you dont know yet where you might have post natal depression or a difficult birth. Hell of you have a baby that just doesnt sleep then that alone makes whats he's suggesting impossible.

Can he not wait until baby is 6 months when hopefully he/she is doing longer sleep stretches. Probably wont be crawling so much easier to handle and you will find that you'll be an expert mummy by then and will be able to leave the house to attend baby groups ect...

Being left along with a newborn with no support network could seriously effect your MH and i think on his return you would find his short term abadonement difficult to get over.

BusterGonad · 28/05/2017 17:34

Just to say I don't think it's ok for him to go away if YOU are not happy with it, that defiantly is not ok. 2 or 3 weeks is a long time and it should be joint decision.

seven201 · 28/05/2017 17:35

Of course it's do able but I certainly wouldn't want to do it! He's being very selfish not listening to you. My baby screamed all day and night more unless until she was 6 months. Without dh I really don't know how I'd have coped as I have no family nearby either. He'll miss out on dc changing as well. Different if it was a necessary trip but it doesn't sound like he is vital for 3 weeks... arse.

Toysaurus · 28/05/2017 17:39

Logistically you will be fine. Single parents just get on with it. The bit that's not on is the 'bit of a holiday'. That's bang out of order.

NoMoreAngstPls · 28/05/2017 17:39

Really not good that he is dismissing your feelings and concerns. I would be worried that this does not bode well for future shared parenting and support.

caffeinestream · 28/05/2017 17:59

Of course she'll cope, but that's not really the point

What do his family think of his plans to leave his wife and newborn baby go go on a jolly, less than three months after the birth? Hopefully he hasn't told them yet, and when he does, they'll tell him he's being a selfish dick.

Motoko · 28/05/2017 18:32

What do his family think of his plans to leave his wife and newborn baby go go on a jolly, less than three months after the birth? Hopefully he hasn't told them yet, and when he does, they'll tell him he's being a selfish dick.

They know he's sorting out their houses over there for his mum! So they obviously think it's ok.

SittingAround1 · 28/05/2017 18:56

I wouldn't be happy either. It really does depend on how your baby is and your recovery time as well.
I wouldn't even agree to two weeks either.

If he does go you should really have someone to stay to keep you company. Or at worst a babysitter who can come around regularly and help whilst you take a shower/cook some food etc...
The risk is to your mental health if you are isolated and left coping on your own. You might end up resenting your DH long term.

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ScipioAfricanus · 28/05/2017 19:16

People base their advice on it on their own experience of childbirth/young babies and often have no idea that some people have much harder babies! My DC had colic and is anecdotally one of the worst babies I've ever come across (barring children with illnesses and special needs etc which make looking after them harder). I couldn't have coped alone for longer than one night until he was a year old.

You can't know what your experience will be like - hopefully like 9/10 people you'll have it a lot easier than that. But it is not unreasonable to ask DH to wait until the baby is here and things are slightly easier to predict beforehand he decides how long he should go for (if at all).

Whocansay · 28/05/2017 19:26

This is really not OK. You don't know how strong you will feel or how the baby will be. He is being incredibly selfish at a time when you should absolutely be his priority. It would make me reassess the entire relationship.

I'm amazed his family would encourage him in this, tbh. What stuff for his mum is so important that involves leaving you at a potentially vulnerable time? Why can't he do it now?

Mysteriouscurle · 28/05/2017 20:24

Have a discussion about what dates are suitable for you to go away for 3 weeks leaving him with the baby.

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