To be annoyed --pissed-- --off-- with my mother?(40 Posts)
A bit long sorry. Growing up me and my mother were never very close. I spent most of my childhood living with grandparents and then I left home when I was 17 and moved in with DH. She's admitted herself she couldnt be bothered with me and didn't want a child. I have a brother and a sister who are both closer to my mum.
Now in my 30s Me and DH have been together 17 years and have 3 DC. Recently I've seen a lot more of my mother and she's seemed to be making a little more effort to want to spend time with me (never bothered before) but not with my children. I've let this go as because she couldn't be bothered bringing me up I don't expect her to be bothered with grandkids.
We now are saving up to buy a house and we're looking to move back to my home town to rent for a bit so we can be closer to FIL and his wife so they can help with childcare and we can save. FIL and his wife are retired but FIL isnt in the best of health. I mentioned this to my mother and suggested maybe she would like to pick our youngest two up from school in her day off (she has one day off through the week and then weekends but I only suggested one day) and look after them for an hour after school to give FIL that break. She refused saying she only has one day off through the week and I was being selfish asking. Ive never asked my mother for help before yet I have a brother (in his 30s) living at home getting financial help and a sister (in her 20s) also living at home getting financial help.
Was I being selfish? MIL and her husband look after the kids one weekend a month but love too far to do school pick ups. DH told me to forget it and I should of never asked because she's the selfish one. AIBU to ask my mother for help whilst we save for a house? I feel so guilty as I know they are our children DH mum and dad help us so much already. I also thought it would be nice for my youngest DC to get to know mum. My teenager doesn't talk to her because he doesn't know her!
Btw we both work that's why we are asking for childcare help so we can save more. No other grandchildren in the family
Yes, I think you are. You want you FIL who is in poor health to do childcare, your mum to give up her day off to do it as well on top of your MIL doing weekend childcare. Do you ever pay for childcare or just expect the world to revolve around you and your choices.
The time to save for a house was pre children, not when you already have several and expect others to do the care so you don't have to pay for it.
Not unreasonable to ask. She's not unreasonable to refuse.
It sounds like you have a fair bit of family help already. Some of us have none. Cut your losses and make the most of it.
I think based on what you've said you were being optimistic more than anything else.
It's very hard to come to terms with having a disinterested parent/grandparent but I guess at least you know where you stand before you make the move
We do pay for childcare yes. We've paid every day for childcare for the past 15 years. Only now since I've finished university as a mature student have we thought about buying a house. We've never been in a financial postition to buy a house before due to either low paid job or one of us being a student. Being forced out by my mother at 17 I wasn't in a position to get a mortgage then or a well paid job.
FIL isn't so poorly he can't look after my two youngest for an hour after school I just thought to give him a break my mother would like to see them. We will still be paying for childcare every morning before school.
I'd feel disappointed and hurt too op. Is it wise to move back? She sounds toxic. She'll probably always disappoint- try to focus on your bright future with your dcs.
Sorry this arraignment with FIL hasn't started yet. At the moment we pay over £200 a month in childcare so it's just to save most of that. I know I'm extreamly lucky they have offered to help
it's not unreasonable to ask.
It is unreasonable to be pissed off that she won't do something she has no obligation to do.
It's not unreasonable to feel a little hurt by this. But given the background I'm surprised her reaction surprises you.
Your PIL sound great. Very helpful. Focus on that!
DH has said similar lavender but FIL lives there too and will be lovely to be close to them
I don't think she was unreasonable to say no. I expect she wants to spend her day off sitting in her pants watching Netflix like everyone else does.
It's a shame she isn't interested generally tho.
I mean... is it weird to pay for childcare for your own kids? You seem slightly resentful about paying for 15 years of childcare but I'm not sure why? Surely, you would have expected that once having kids...
I get she sounds not great as a mother but I'm not sure I agree with a lot of your other premises. Is getting a mortgage in your 30s extremely late? It seems about average for everyone I know. How is that your mother's fault? Same with getting a well paid job. Is that really her fault? I mean, you did choose to have three kids yourself. Isn't that likely more closely related to your current financial situation?
And I do think expecting her to do childcare on her one day off a week is a big ask. i don't think you were wrong to ask but I don't think she was wrong to refuse.
So many issues in your post OP - I just wanted to commiserate re that of your mother not wanting you, or wanting to help you, when your siblings get much more from her. That must hurt and I am sorry to read that she has treated you / is treating you this way.
YANBU to ask.
She INBU to say no.
She is being VVU to say you are selfish for asking. It's not selfish, you're not demanding she has them, you're trying to promote better relations while also her being able to help you out a bit and while she hasn't helped in the past she has shown she CAN help out sometimes so presumably isn't 100% evil. So no not selfish for asking and it's a horrible response from her.
Your mother-who you didn't have a good relationship with as a child, to the extent where you moved out of home to live with grandparents and then left home at 17- doesn't want to commit to childcare for 3 children once a week?
You are surprised by this? I'm not sure I would be!
If it's been 15 years of childcare can the older one not watch the younger ones then?
Not unreasonable to ask or unreasonable to refuse. You can't hae everything
I think you were optimistic to expect her to agree, given her lack of interest in anything you do so far. It sounds like there will always be inequity in what she does for your DB and DSis and you.
So you weren't unreasonable to ask but I don't think it was a surprise she said no. She was unreasonable to say you were selfish in asking though and I'm sure if you pointed out the support she gives to your siblings she would have long and complicated reasons why that's entirely different
and she couldn't give you any money
It's not unreasonable for you to be hurt either.
I'm curious about childcare for 3 DC only costing £200 a month.
I don't resent paying for childcare at all. They are my children. I don't blame my mother for me not buying a house or getting a well paid job sooner either, I was just pointing this out after a previous poster said I should of thought about this before having kids. I chose to have kids first and that was my choice. I am more annoyed/upset that she doesn't want to spend any time with her grandchildren not that I have to pay childcare. Of course I will and do pay childcare for my two children.
Teenager looking after the other two is not an option if I want my 10 year old to stay alive 😂
2 dc in childcare for only half an hour before school and an hour or so after school not all three. When they were full time my childcare at one point was about a grand a month lol
Providing childcare isn't like providing financial assistance. It is much more of a commitment- you have to change your lifestyle to accommodate childcare, not go on holiday etc
£200/ month sounds about right if we are just talking about before/after school clubs for school aged children.
Op, your mother only has 1 day a week off work. Presumably thats for a reason- so she can have abreak/get stuff done/ go out etc. She made a deliberate decision to have a day off. If she then looks after your children for free in that day off she would not have the time to do the stuff she wants, and may as well just have worked that day.
If I worked 4 days a week I would certainly not want to spend the day off looking after someone elses child just so they could save £20.
Bit of a stretch to call the OP's mother toxic for not wanting to give up her day off to pick up the OP's kids. Agreeing to do that would really limit what she could do on her day off, it's not just a couple of hours, the whole day would be affected.
You were not unreasonable to ask, possibly she wasn't unreasonable to refuse. She may feel it would seriously change her weekday off.
Or she may not feel comfortable with her grandchildren (absolutely her fault). Are you more upset about her refusing to help with childcare or the deeper hurt that she's uninterested in your children?
I'd suggest baby steps after you move closer, so she can get to know the DGC - IF she wants a relationship with them, and that's the real elephant in the room. How will you feel if she continues to reject them? Given her history that's a serious possibility. Do you want to open yourself up to that heartache?
So glad your ILs care and love your children!
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