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To not want my Mum to do all my laundry

(32 Posts)
Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 01:48:29

This sounds ridiculous. I can't decide if I'm really lucky to have someone who will do all my washing and ironing for me (and DH and the DCs) or whether I need to take back control. Just to be clear I have never asked her to do it. I have asked her to stop. She won't. I am very grateful to have so much help but it always makes me feel completely shit and inadequate. WWYD?

JungleInTheRumble Sun 28-May-17 01:55:44

Why should you feel inadequate about it? I'd say if your mum wants to help then let her. Unless she's holding it over you in some way or expects something in return that you don't want to give her?

VimFuego101 Sun 28-May-17 01:58:20

I'd hate this too. If you don't want to hurt her feelings, is there any way you could steer her towards another task that would actually be helpful? Or just hide sex toys in your laundry basket.

Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 02:04:27

I think it's just that she's such a martyr about it, moaning about how messy we are and how much washing there is when I have never, ever asked her to do it. It started as her giving me a hand when the children were small which was great. Am I just being a spoilt brat or should I tell her to just leave me alone?

AnthonyPandy Sun 28-May-17 02:07:00

Do you live with her?

Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 02:07:53

It feels like a way of controlling me. I have tried suggesting other things - like taking kids to the park for an hour. She does exactly what she wants to do, comes over when she wants to. If I say anything she'll get upset and say that she likes to be needed. Everyone tells me I'm so lucky. I seriously want to move far, far away.

JungleInTheRumble Sun 28-May-17 02:09:33

It sounds like you definitely need to try and stop her helping out! Could you afford to hire a cleaner?

Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 02:09:40

No she lives in the next town. Ha ha to sex toys - haven't got the energy to even go shopping for those!

Embekkisson1 Sun 28-May-17 02:12:22

Shes got to let go , sounds like your still her little girl and you need her as much as she needs you. This is an emotional thing .

Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 02:13:01

We couldn't afford a cleaner at the moment but if I increased my hours at work it could be possible. I love my DM and I don't want to hurt her feelings but it's my fucking house!

Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 02:18:56

I think you're right Embek - it is an emotional thing. It's about far more than dirty washing. I'm really grateful for the help - as I am very lazy and really who wants to do laundry if they don't have to! But it's making me so miserable - she is so critical

AnthonyPandy Sun 28-May-17 02:19:17

She has no difficulty hurting your feelings.

Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 02:22:40

I just feel so squashed. And yesAnthony, she is trampling all over my feelings. But what do I do?

AnthonyPandy Sun 28-May-17 02:28:02

Take away her key, say you are doing your own stuff now as that's what you would prefer then shut your eyes and let the fallout wash over you. But do not change that stance ever, even if you would actually like some help in the future. It has to be done and from what you have written I would say a clean break sounds best, no 'only once a week' or any of that. Just say it is you who will do it from now on, and thanks for all the previous help.

Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 02:33:32

Moving the whole family to the other side of the country sounds less stressful than that grin

Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 02:36:18

But you're right.

Noteventhebestdrummer Sun 28-May-17 02:38:03

Just keep on top of the laundry yourself then?

Crashbangwhatausername Sun 28-May-17 02:56:29

Go to her house and do her laundry and see how she likes it? Massively overstepping the mark if you've asked her to stop she needs to listen. Change the locks if you don't want to take her key away?

Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 03:25:54

If I do the laundry myself she gets really huffy about it, lots of PA sighing and stomping about etc. Honestly it is ridiculous! Who's that invested in their daughter's washing! It's even worse if my DH does the laundry. I have tried to steer her towards a job/ voluntary work etc but without success. I don't want to make her unhappy but I do just want us to run our own (very busy and therefore messy) home without feeling judged and found wanting all the time.

MrsExpo Sun 28-May-17 04:27:43

How does she get in? Does she make a special trip over to yours just to do this? I presume she has a key if she's accessing your home while you're out/DCs at school etc. Your only course of action here is to change the locks and not provide her with a key. Make some excuse about the old lock breaking if necessary. Tell her she doesn't need a key and keep "forgetting" to get one cut if she suggests it. It will be tough for a while but she'll get over it. She's over stepping the mark here.

BouleBaker Sun 28-May-17 06:20:13

She's going to strop when you take back control. Just let her strop and ignore it. She needs to accept that it's your house and you make the rules.

HerBluebiro Sun 28-May-17 06:40:23

So she huffs and puffs and criticises you for having a messy house.

If you or dh do your own washing she huffs and puffs.

You are too tired to buy (and presumably therefore to use) sex toys. Your house is busy but messy. You (and presumably dh as he lives there and could change it if he wished) are happy in your mess. Your mum thinks it slovenly squalor and isn't afraid to tell you this.

Your have to choose to grow up. You are not a child any more. And your mum has to let go. But any loss is painful.

" mum thanks for all your help. It has been so appreciated when we have needed it with young children. But dh and I need to try to stand on our own two feet and look after ourselves. We might not do such a good job as you. Our home may be messy. But it is ours. Please do keep coming round for tea and to see dc. But you don't have to earn your visit. Just come round for company or take the children to the park"

But you have to pull on your big girl pants and talk to your mum. And do what the rest of us messy buggers with over bearing mothers do. Keep one room tidy let her in there and close the door on the rest!

Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 08:44:11

That sounds perfect HerBlue, I think I can manage to keep the living room under control (just about) halo

Zestisbest Sun 28-May-17 08:52:03

And yes MrsExpo she does have her own key - always has. It was lovely when the children were babies and I guess I zoned out the criticism - I was just so desperate for help (large family) but now we are perfectly capable of doing it and getting the children to do it but no-one bothers because they know DM will do it. So that's not teaching them good habits either. And yes we are a bit slovenly but it's not a massive priority. Anyway thank you everyone who has replied. I thought everyone would say God no don't stop her I'd do anything to have someone do my washing!!

ScouseAT Sun 28-May-17 09:03:16

I understand completely. My mum did exactly the same and it would drive me mad. She was trying to be helpful but was also critical and happy to pass comment on it to me and anyone else even though I'd asked her several times to stop doing it. We ended up having a huge fall out over it. Her calling me ungrateful and me calling her controlling. We got over it in the end and I think she finally understands that I'm a grown woman and me and my dh will decide the rhythm or our house. She still does turn her nose up at my whites though!

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