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AIBU?

'Hobby' time

26 replies

purplecat27 · 27/05/2017 23:33

I know there are numerous threads about the often mysterious 'hobbies' of various DHs and DPs, sorry this is another one...

My DHs hobby is running, he's in a running club and he's training for a marathon. My AIBU is really more of a HLIR as I'm wondering how long is reasonable for him to spend time doing his hobby?

I don't want to drip feed so some facts about our situation: We have a very energetic 1-year-old (I've met few who aren't!). He works 40 hours a week, 15 minute walking commute. I work 24 hours a week, 40 minute driving commute. I also do occasional 12 hour shifts on top of this (2-3 a month usually). His shifts are quite variable, usually 7-3.30 or 11-7.30, I'm usually 9-5. He has 2 days off a week, 1 weekday and 1 weekend, on the weekday he looks after our toddler whilst I work. I have 4 days off a week and for 3 of these have sole charge of our toddler. The other 2 days of childcare are paid for and we can't afford more. We have 1 day off all together at the weekend. He puts the toddler to bed but I do all of the nighttime parenting when toddler wakes up, which is still every night, and have done since toddler was 4 weeks old. We have no nearby family or other easily accessible babysitters.

So I'd love some opinions please, how long is reasonable for DH to spend on his hobby?

OP posts:

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TheSparrowhawk · 27/05/2017 23:39

You should both have equal amounts of leisure time. So if he spends 4 hours a week running, you should have 4 hours a week for something you want to do.

Why on god's earth are you the only one dealing with night wakings?

BackforGood · 27/05/2017 23:40

No-one else can decide that for you.
Personally, it sounds as if you are both seemingly doing a pretty reasonable share of everything that needs to be done - as far as we can tell from what you have posted. So, if he then went out for a run once the little one was asleep or during the day , before or after work if the little was was in childcare on that day, I wouldn't have a problem if it were every day, or (and I don't know a lot about marathon training but I'm assuming a bit here), for longer runs once the race gets nearer.
It's not costing anything, it's keeping him fit and mentally healthy, and it sounds like he is pulling his weight.

NapQueen · 27/05/2017 23:42

I think whoever is off the following day should do the night wakings. On the two days you both work you do one each.
if he takes an evening a week then why shouldnt you have that too?
hobbies aside do you have a social life apart from him so the odd evening out with friends or rare weekends away etc?
dp you and he share chores?

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 27/05/2017 23:46

Marathon training isn't a few short runs. He will need loads of time for his long run... 3 hours ish

Guessing he goes to his club once a week too

Squishedstrawberry4 · 27/05/2017 23:53

You need the same amount of childfree down time. So add that up hour by hour.

Nights wise, who ever is working the least the next day should do the waking night.

A marathon will take a lot of training. Probably one weekly very long run - which should eventually be about the three hour mark. Plus three shorter one hour runs which are quick and shouldn't interfere with the rest of the day much at all

If the long 3 hour run is an issue, ask him to go at 6.30pm and take a torch if necessary.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 27/05/2017 23:56

I think it's very important you both have a hobby. Health and stress wise it's essential to keep fit.

purplecat27 · 27/05/2017 23:58

That was quick!
Sparrowhawk I'm still breastfeeding so I've fed the toddler back to sleep at night since she was born. Nowadays it's often just a short 15 minute feed a couple of times a night and maybe one longer one, but she still sometimes has 1hr+ wakings.

Backforgood this is the thing. It's free and it's good for him so I always feel like IABU if I ever moan about it!

Nap I tend to see friends on my 3 days off that he isn't around during the day time, so I rarely go out in the evenings and leave him with the baby. I already feel that when you take out time for work, childcare, chores and his running we hardly get much time just the 2 of us. I'd say we share household chores fairly well, I'm pretty happy with that.

MumIs you've hit the nail on the head, running club once or twice a week and/or parkrun (depends which day he has off at the weekend), plus at least one solo run.

OP posts:

NapQueen · 28/05/2017 00:03

I think he ought to biy a running buggy then he can fit in at least one run on his days off.

BackforGood · 28/05/2017 00:05

I agree in theory about it being the same amount of 'free time to use as you wish', but, in reality, this doesn't necessarily need to be 'exactly' or 'each month / week / day' or whatever. At the moment, he's training for a marathon. It's not something he can do half heartedly, so yes, there will be longer runs as he gets nearer. I'm only guessing here, but if you are choosing to still feed your LO at night and getting up to them 2 or 3 times as you say, then you are quite feasibly not full of energy at the moment and quite possible don't want to have several hours a week out and about 'doing things'. Maybe, once the marathon is run, at that point, you might want to get involved in something, and he will do more of the staying in?
As long as, overall things are fairly even, that doesn't mean they have to be the same as measured on a week by week basis.

sirfredfredgeorge · 28/05/2017 00:06

You don't need the same time, and you don't need to be adding up hours within the week, that's way overly proscribed. You should have as much as you both need and can, and it can vary massively across the year - particularly when training for an important event, or hobbies that only work in certain seasons or for any other reason why May (say) might be a month where one of the family gets more time to themselves.

Obviously you should also minimise the impact on everyone else in all families - in this example, 30-40 minute runs in a lunch hour or the long way home from work if showers/work environment make that impossible will help provide training time with only minimal impact.

Get a running buggy - take the toddler in it to further away park for a play and home, perfect for getting the training in whilst baby sitting.

So running is easy to minimise the impact on the rest of the family, so certainly a club night or two should be easily fitting in to the week I'd've thought. If they're not minimising the impact though, then that's not so good.

(3 hour runs when marathon training! no need to run the distance in the training!)

arethereanyleftatall · 28/05/2017 00:13

It sounds like you both pull your weight and have busy lives. I think it's a good thing that he runs, do could you think of different ways for him to get his run in?
Eg 1. Run home (and maybe to if there's a shower) from work. A bit longer if nec.

Eg 2. On day off with toddler, combine with another parent and take turns to go for a run whilst other parent looks after children.

Eg 3. Go for a long run super early on your day off together.

Eg 4. Find a gym with a crèche on his day off with dc.

Eg 5. Run with buggy.

Eg 6. Treadmill in house, run whilst dc naps on his day off.

Etc etc

CaulkheadUpNorf · 28/05/2017 00:20

My friend found herself in this situation so she got a babysitter and they ran together on his short run days. They've just completed a marathon together. Would something like this be an option?

purplecat27 · 28/05/2017 00:40

Thanks for the great suggestions all. Getting a running buggy is looking like a good idea. We'll be able to use it with number 2 as well so it would hopefully be a good investment.

There's actually a few things I'd be interested in doing but they all cost money and they're all classes so have set days and times which is difficult with his variable shift pattern. I'm going to have a good think and try to decide on something that I'd really like to do and that would be feasible in our situation.

OP posts:

RagingCunt · 28/05/2017 00:48

Your toddler works 40 hours per week?

Fucking austerity measures

Blackfellpony · 28/05/2017 06:54

I spend about 2 hours a day on my hobby and I need that time or I go mad

Luckily DH doesn't mind.

I would go for the babysitter option.

Westray · 28/05/2017 06:57

Whatever works for you.

OH gets very little leisure time- I have loads.
Works for us.

GemmaB78 · 28/05/2017 07:03

We both have time consuming hobbies (running, cycling, horses) and get a roughly equal share of time to do them. Our running buggy has been an absolute godsend for both of us.

BikeRunSki · 28/05/2017 07:43

I agree with BackForGood, abdvibcome at this as the mother of 2 youngish dc (5 and 8), as a runner, as a cyclist and as the wife of a cyclist!! And we both work f/t, abdvhsve no local family.

Training for a marathon is a big time commitment, which will only become more demanding as race dare approaches. I'd be inclined to "give" him this marathon - let him train as he needs to, but with the expectation that sometimes he'll go out early, before work, or in the evenings after the toddler is in bed. I'd do this in agreement that after the marathon, then the OP is allowed a period of having lion's share of child-free time to do what she wants for a while - where there's that is training for a sports event, evening classes, swimming for pleasure/fitness, whatever. This would work much better if OP has identified something that she would like to do, and a date.

I agree that childfree time needs to be fairly shared, but not necessarily over individual weeks -look at it over a longer timescale.

frenchknitting · 28/05/2017 09:22

Agree with others. A marathon is a big time commitment, and you need to either do it properly or not at all.

When I was marathon training, my DH did more than his fair share of chores, which I appreciated. And there have subsequently been times when his hobbies have taken priority.

It would be impossible to share "leisure time" equally on a weekly basis in that scenario.

jelliebelly · 28/05/2017 09:28

Could you take up running too?

purplecat27 · 28/05/2017 12:52

Thanks again all, think we're going to have a chat about this later when he gets home. He's already started talking about the next marathon and he hasn't even done this first one yet so it sort of feels a bit never ending, like he's always going to be marathon training whilst my spare time comes second.

It doesn't help that his running club night falls on the night that he cares for our toddler whilst I work so I come home to childcare duties and making tea for everyone while he goes out. That's his only regular weeknight off as he might be working late on any of the others so I don't have a regular weeknight that I could go out and do something. Hopefully we'll be able to come up with some sort of resolution later!

OP posts:

BikeRunSki · 28/05/2017 13:48

Could he not prepare a meal whilst he is home during the day on his running club night? I know you've got a toddler, but it wouldn't be impossible.

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gleam · 28/05/2017 14:31

Yep, he could sort tea before he goes out. The slow cooker is his friend.

gleam · 28/05/2017 14:33

And a babysitter for the night(s) you want to go to a class.

Otherwise, the default will always be your leisure time fitting around his, if you even get any.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 28/05/2017 14:50

I think irregular weekend and evening baby sitters can work really well. Maybe ask local friends/colleagues if they know of anyone close by.

On the his duty night when he runs, he could at least have tea made and the table set and very minimal house stuff for you to do.

Also your DH should be doing the 1 1/2 hour wakes that don't breast feeding if he's working less the next day.

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