MIL.... AGAIN. PLEASE HELP.(208 Posts)
PLEASE READ, THANK YOU SO MUCH
I've been having problems with my MIL for around a year now, it all started when I, for the first time in almost 7 years, turned around and said 'no' to her she lives almost 100miles away (I don't drive either) and kept going on and on and on and on about having my DD who is only 4 overnight for days on end. I politely kept putting her off but she kept going behind my back to my DH when I wasn't in and convincing him to basically make me change my mind. Caused a lot of grief between me & DH and finally I text her asking her politely to stop asking as it wasn't going to happen and to not go behind my back etc.
Many things have happened since, interfering, ridiculous amounts of FaceTime calls per week to DD on DH's phone, name calling to me over the phone (two faced cow, bad mother, bad wife, controlling, silly child....) because I've said 'no' and started being more assertive. It all hit a head again over Easter because she was asking what to get DD for Easter. I said an egg, just like everybody else, after all, when did Easter become about iPads and the like?! She got huffy and waned to spoil her (as usual and which we don't agree with as we want to bring DD up to be grateful and count her blessings).
I'm sure she does this to look 'better' than us as we can't afford named brands etc (not that I'd spend crazy money like that anyway). She always goes ridiculous for Christmas/Birthdays etc... making us look bad and her like 'the one that will get DD anything she ever wants' (sure this is deliberate ) anyway, I said no, just get an egg like all the other children in her school will be getting, a few days later we get a package full of clothes after me repeatedly saying just an egg will be fine. I contacted her about it and she said 'she will buy DD whatever she wants and won't be dictated to by me, a silly child' (I'm 21, studying for a degree with a PT job, training and a small buisness for goodness sake!) I said well I'm her mother and I'm afraid what I say goes but she wasn't having any of it it's almost like she thinks DD is hers IYSWIM?
When she calls she's not bothered about speaking to DH, just says 'where's my baby'?! I'm sick and tired of it and don't know what to do. DH has only just started backing me up, before he was to afraid to upset her it seemed, she's quite manipulative with him but I was getting really hurt in the process she also says things to DD on the phone so she'll pester me for things or to go somewhere. Like at Christmas I overheard whispering in a separate room asking DD whether 'she'd like to stay longer and if so, she'll have to ask mummy'. Clearly done secretly and not expecting to be heard.
She's due here on Wednesday and I really don't want her to come if I'm to be honest, I know she'll play mind games and do the things I ask her not to do (like take DD to the shop and not just buy her one or two things but the whole frickin' shop or want to go somewhere extravagant which again makes us look bad as we don't drive so can't really get to many extravagant places but we do do other things like country park outings, wood walks, parks, swimming etc...)
This is just a snippet of what's been going on
I feel so anxious and depressed and am so worried for the future with her I can honestly see he turning DD against me with her manipulation or extravagant expensive gifts I've put up with this for 7 years now and only just started to stand up for myself but all that seems to be doing is causing problems and guilt
Regarding the clothes I think you should have sent them back to send it home that she cannot keep going over your head.
Not sure what to advise about this week though. How old is your DD?
I'm a bit confused - she's been your MIL for 7 years but you are only 21?
I'm not trying to be snippy, Judy to understand the dynamic.
Thanks lucky, guilt kept me from doing that as she was making out I was 'ungrateful'. The irony is that's probably one of the things I am definitely not! My DD is 4....
I met my husband when I was 15 fenella, married at 18
I think you were right to refuse to let your dd stay overnight if you didn't feel comfortable with it. However, the other stuff.. honestly I'd just let it go! Does it really matter if she enjoys buying lots and spoiling your dd a bit? To me that's what grandparents are all about.
I am 37 so in the middle of you and the mil age wise and I would hate to feel so cut off if I was the mil. She does sound quite pushy but maybe she is feeling left out? I don't know it's hard to read between the lines really.
But I think I would just take a step back and thank her for things rather than getting so angry about it all.
Ah ok, that's I think where a lot of it might come from - having met you when you were so young she doesn't seem to understand that you've grown up into a responsible and independent adult. I don't think there's much you can do about her shitty behaviour beyond reinforcing the message that you are the mother and you get to decide. Give the clothes back to her, and repeat that your DD doesn't need them. I learned a brilliant technique on here that might help when she comes to stay. Anytime she says anything spiteful of judgemental, just answer it with an absolutely bland "how interesting that you think so." There really isn't anything she can say back to that! and for you!
Why is your DH not dealing with this? His mother should not be insulting you without him saying something to her. I would explain clearly what your rules are, and not allow conversations with your DD unless you are present - then you have some control over what is said to her. And if she sends inappropriate presents, send them back.
I would tell her never to speak to me in that manner again, and if she did, I would stop seeing her. Let your DH maintain the relationship. Calling you a "silly child" is unacceptable.
I can understand being upset about the name calling and going behind your back and I would keep sticking up for yourself in that respect but I think you're lumping a whole load of other unimportant issues together because you don't get along.
If she comes to visit and wants to take you guys somewhere extravagant why not just let her? It's not making you look bad, its allowing your daughter to experience something with her grandparent that she normally wouldn't. She'll only benefit from that.
The treats, again I can understand you not wanting her to be spoilt but if her Gran lives 100 miles away she probably just wants to be able to express her affection somehow.
Try to keep it all in perspective.
The calling you names thing would do it for me. Personally the first time she oversteps the mark this week I suggest you and your DH present a united front and state very calmly and firmly that you are calling her a taxi and she is not welcome in your home again until she treats you both with respect. Good luck.
Next them she rings and asks for her baby put your dh on the phone. .
I remember your other threads and i was enraged for you op!!
Charity bag for the clothes. . Tell her your dd has enough and a bag came through the door so you filled it. .
Def not overnights until she respects your parenting. .
Your dh needs to stick up for your decisions. . She is the gm not the dm and of she needs reminding constantly the remind her constantly. .
Stand next to dd during the calls and take the phone away if it gets inappropriate and tell her you are hanging up as she is being ridiculous. .
Can you afford to learn to drive and run a car?
That might help you get out and about more so you can do more things and have more reasons to tell her NO
Fairylea it does matter to me in regards to the spoiling as it's not general spoiling IMO. It's way way way over the top. I'm talking hundreds of pounds over the top IYSWIM. And I can't ignore being called a cow, bitch and other things like that i can forgive but it's hard to forget....
Fenella thank you for that insight, I honestly had never thought of it in that respect, that could well be the issue! And thanks for your advice
Madcat he says because he doesn't like 'confrontation' which I know is true and I don't either but sometimes things have to be said, regardless of the fire back. To be fair, he wasn't supporting me at all in the beginning, only since the horrible name calling has he finally started saying things but there's definitely still need for improvement....
Trifle that's exactly what I want to say to her but fear the fallout
Why do you fear it? I think it would solve your problem.
Nicolas, the reason I don't want her doing that anymore is because it's impacting negatively on DD. She now sees 'nana' as 'money'. As soon as MIL walks in, DD asks 'have you got me anything', 'where's my jigsaw' etc... precisely what we are bringing her up not to do and how not to act. In this household, love comes first, money second.
Slightly, I think I may have to resort to that actually as I can only see this going down one way on Wednesday
Trifle because I don't want me and DH to fall out
Ah okay I can see how that bothers you. My MIL can be quite bad for gifts and things but it's not like that.
When you say she's coming on Wednesday, is it just for the day? If so, you have the choice to 'absent yourself'. I know that means she'll have 'free rein' with your DD, but it's only one day's worth of spoiling and you can always gather up the majority of the shit she buys and either sell it or hide it away to be brought out gradually. Remember that just because she buys it, doesn't mean that your DD gets to keep it. It may be worth absenting yourself if it keeps your anxiety down and doesn't put you through an emotional wringer. Your other choices are grin and bear it or spend the whole day overruling her and listening to her bitch. Your decision. If it were me, I'd probably tell my DH that he can deal with her, I'll be gone.
If you mean she's coming to stay with you on Wednesday, I'd probably being having it out with my DH about that happening but I'd probably stick around and grit my teeth as best I could. More than one day of her 'in control' of DD would be something I could deal with. More than one day, no way!
Aren't you likely to fall out anyway if he doesn't support you when his mother is insulting you?
My MIL was the cow from Central Casting. When DH and I got back from honeymoon we heard from several friends that she had been bad-mouthing me and the wedding I'd planned and organised - apparently it was 'too posh!' We went to visit her and natch, she asked nothing about our honeymoon or even about us - just went on and on about herself.
On the way home, my DH said to me, 'if you never want to go there again, that's fine with me. You are my family now.' I still get the shivers when I pass the spot where he said this to me, many many years later. I really think that your husband should have a serious word with his mother. Countermanding your wishes re your DD and slagging you off are just not on. She should be reminded that you and he dictate the terms on which she sees your little family and her current manner and approach are not something you wish to encourage in your home or in your daughter's life. Is all.
Well YANBU, that's for sure.
I have to say though, it does sound like you still have a DH problem. Why is he allowing MIL to call you names and be such a vile bitch to you?
I would say she is not welcome in my home and stick to it. Also, if she is too toxic to be around DD then she wouldn't have access to her either. Time for DH to decide who he least wants to upset.
I wouldn't allow her to stay in my home if she was treating me in that manner: name calling, disregarding, undermining, sneaking around behind my back, going against my express wishes when it came to my DD, etc.
But, since she's coming, you need to tell DH that the minute she oversteps, she goes home. And he'll have to tell her.
Buying your daughter gifts isn't a bad thing , neither is wanting to take her out to places you cannot get to or afford providing she's happy for you to go as well and isn't excluding you . My dc are both 17+ and have always had lots of stuff from us and my mother but neither are materialistic or spoiled , that's to do with how you bring your daughter up . Start with some new rules like FaceTime / Skype is only to be in family areas and you will all talk to granny not just the daughter , your husband is to back you up , granny is to stop bad mouthing you . When she comes this week have it all out with her and it will either clear the air or she will never speak to you again - at least you will all know where you stand .
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