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Porn vs. Cheating in relationships

(29 Posts)
TodayIAmMe Sat 27-May-17 16:08:14

So, I have a really big problem with internet porn [I am talking the free stuff, that's easily accessible]: everything about it - I abhor it and can not get my head around why anyone would watch it due to the fact it is largely unregulated, often using women who have been forced or coerced, hugely glorified for the unsafe sexual practices [such as bare back] and often with women / girls who are much younger than they appear, or with searchers for women and girls who's appearance is much younger than reality.

It's a definite "no go" in my relationships. On the other hand, I wouldn't feel that my partner having consensual sex with another adult human being who he had formed a relationship with [however long they had known each other] as a LTB situation.

Am I completely fucked in the head? I haven't really explored this in real-life situations because coworkers and friends were so "livid on my behalf" when an ex slept with someone else, was fully open about it after the event and showed remorse, yet they very much take the view of "It's only a little bit of porn now and again" so often and so openly.

(I should probably add that I was severely sexually abused as a child and that it wasn't by one person exclusively and so this may be why my views are this way; but I generally would like to know if my thought process is way off normality).

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sat 27-May-17 16:13:36

I wouldn't class either acceptable in my marriage, though IMO cheating is far, far worse than porn use.

Brogadoccio Sat 27-May-17 16:15:57

I get it.

I find a man's use of porn a turn off. He could use all sorts of arguments to defend it but it simply turns me off.

I dont want to be cheated on either of course.

Im single mind you.

RestlessTraveller Sat 27-May-17 16:17:08

Set your own boundaries. You're comfortable with what you're comfortable with. You boundaries won't be the same as other people's and that's fine.

HildaOg Sat 27-May-17 16:18:21

Everybody has their own boundaries and what they're comfortable with. There's no right and wrong with regard to how you feel on these issues.

Porn wouldn't bother me at all. Sex with a meaningless person he's never going to see again wouldn't bother me. A regular sex only meet up that had no chance of being public knowledge... Not really.

However a relationship or 'special friendship' with another women even without the sex... No fucking way, I'd go ballastic.

It's how we view things. Personally I don't see porn or sex with others as a threat to the relationship. Putting another woman first or having any kind of emotional connection would be a huge threat and betrayal.

AnyFucker Sat 27-May-17 16:18:51

Also, it doesn't to be either/or

People can live a perfectly full life without indulging in either of those practices

nelipotter Sat 27-May-17 16:18:59

I just can't see porn as a problem. Unless it is, you know, a problem. Like all the time. And on the whole I don't want it in my face. But it's just watching stuff.

But infidelity is a big fat dealbreaker.

OriginalArchitect Sat 27-May-17 16:19:16

RestlessTraveller has it.
Your relationship, your boundaries.

kali110 Sat 27-May-17 16:23:47

It's up to you.
Porn isn't a problem for me.
I wouldn't not be happy with my dh cheating on me, affair or meaningless.

TodayIAmMe Sat 27-May-17 18:05:34

Thank you everyone. Please may I ask why many of you feel porn is OK even though it may be severely detrimental to another woman / man? That's the part of the behaviour that I just can't get my head around a partner engaging in - the fact that there is such a dark side to porn and i just can't seem to get over that.

The boundaries thing is an excellent quote for me to hold onto. Thanks.

AnyFucker Sat 27-May-17 18:07:37

Please do not force yourself to be ok with porn

If other people choose to overlook the moral aspect, that is their choice

MsMarvel Sat 27-May-17 18:08:26

I watch porn. So obviosuly not offended by it. I watch a lot more than dp does, and he knows that I watch it.

Neither of us would tolerate cheating of any kind.

Different relationships, different bounderies I suppose.

I imagine the important thing is that both parties are open with discussing what is acceptable and what isn't, and that nothing is bwing hidden from the other.

MargaretCavendish Sat 27-May-17 18:10:17

Please may I ask why many of you feel porn is OK even though it may be severely detrimental to another woman / man?

Do you feel the same way about a partner buying sweat shop clothes? For me one porn is one of the many ways in which the vast majority of people put their own wants above the well being of people they don't know at least some of the time (including me - I don't watch porn, but I'm typing this on a phone that I know was made under terrible conditions). People can consume porn for the same reason as they consume battery farmed chicken: they just choose not to think about what producing it might have entailed.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Sat 27-May-17 18:19:44

I don't always get the argument of the woman is forced or coerced when it comes too porn. There's a small margin that fall into that category. Main porn sites will not tolerate that on their websites.
You ask (just a few female stars)
Jenna Jameson
Bonnie rotten
Nina Hartley
Mia khalifa

If they was forced or coerced.

As you say above there is a dark side too this industry, isn't there a "dark" side with a lot of things?

I have no problem with porn in my relationship, it would only become a concern if him wanting a wank took over the need for sex. Cheat on me and that is a completely different story.

But every person is different with their boundaries in a relationship. It doesn't mean any of us are wrong in what we stand for.

Crowdblundering Sat 27-May-17 18:59:12

What if they pay for sex...?

Fortnum Sat 27-May-17 19:13:24

What if it was free trade organic multicultural porn. Would that be O.K ? Now you come to mention it i hear that female performers get paid substantially more than their male colleagues in this industry. Maybe we should boycott until the gender wage gap has been closed. Thoughts ?

TodayIAmMe Sat 27-May-17 20:08:39

@fortnum not entirely sure how free trade and organic, multicultural porn would improve any of my issues with it, perhaps the fact it would be labelled would make it more regulated - "the fact it is largely unregulated, often using women who have been forced or coerced, hugely glorified for the unsafe sexual practices [such as bare back] and often with women / girls who are much younger than they appear, or with searchers for women and girls who's appearance is much younger than reality. "

Wouldn't be OK with if they paid for sex for similar reasons too.

Kungfu - how much % wise of the industry do those people actually make up though? And, how much of the monies to they actually get, because I can't see how they get anything if their videos are shared on shady free sites? Or do those sites pay them. I do realise you can pay for porn but from what I understand, most people don't - am I wrong?

Dulcimena Sat 27-May-17 20:40:35

I'm with you OP. Personally, I feel that both are cheating, but there's something fundamentally empty about porn, whereas I could understand him being attracted to a real human person with conversation and intellect and a sense of humour and is more than just tits and ass. To the best of my knowledge, DH is faithful in all forms.

Hmm...thinking about it more, it's impossible for me to compete with a shape-shifting fantasy, but a person is more concrete. I had a relationship some years ago where my partner actively chose to stay up at night watching porn than come to bed with me. I had been dumped for internet porn, how humiliating is that... blush

ginorwine Sat 27-May-17 21:16:16

Op I think that porn can be very difficult for people with a history of being abused in that porn can be associated as ' using ' another person for sexual gratification and regarded as possibly abusive ? And that possible association can be a cause of anxiety if difficulty ? If it feels that way or similar , then porn can feel additionally / or threatening to a person with history of abuse . You need to set your own boundaries and maybe not be guided by others ?

PossibiliTea Sat 27-May-17 21:23:43

I really struggle to get my head round the fact my partner watches porn.. so I'm kind of with you OP

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Sat 27-May-17 21:28:39

Them I named are quite well known within the porn industry and many have been in the industry for a long time (Nina & Jenna) I can't rattle of a long list, but majority are not coerced or forced.

They make their money for doing the film, majority of them having agents or sign up to a certain company ( Brazzers ) and that's how they make their money. The sites that stream them pay for the videos and make their money through ads etc. If it is a reputable site they would not put up the kind of videos you think - honestly wouldn't be worth it for them they would lose everything.

Nocarbsorsugar Sat 27-May-17 21:41:42

I don't think YABU

Porn usage could be good or bad in a relationship but I get the point that it is unrealistic. Regular use suggests something is missing in a relationship but is easy to access everyday
Cheating is at least is " real" but could serious or just down to being pissed and opportunity. It could be a one off and an error of judgement.

ThePants999 Sat 27-May-17 21:44:36

It's like eating meat, right? For most people, it tastes too good to worry much about how it was made.

Talith Sun 28-May-17 07:36:47

I have a relaxed view about sex and think *some long term relationships can benefit from the couple consensually having other sexual partners. Like you OP I mean considered partners, not Tinder style fucking or using sex workers.

I couldn't give a flying toss if that makes me abnormal. grin

Scrumplestiltskin Sun 28-May-17 09:20:04

"FTND’s research also found that “when these customers show up, many come ready with porn images in hand to show the women they’re exploiting—many of which are human trafficking victims controlled by pimps—what they’ll be forced to do.” The organization cites a 2007 study of 854 women in nine countries that found 49% of women “said that porn had been made of them while they were in prostitution, and 47% said they had been harmed by men who had either forced or tried to force their victims to do things the men had seen in porn.”
www.huffingtonpost.com/johnhenry-westen/want-to-stop-sex-traffick_b_6563338.html
The article here is also excellent - fightthenewdrug.org/the-porn-industrys-dark-secrets/#sthash.YzLHINeh.dpbs

And I agree, OP. My husband cheating wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker, but him insisting on watching porn occasionally would be. Then again, I too was abused as a child, so maybe that does affect one's perspective.

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