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Ex-H slept with best friend - is this okay?

(61 Posts)
ZiggyForever Fri 26-May-17 15:08:56

Another thread started me thinking, and I wondered what other peoples' opinions would be on something that happened to me a few years ago.

DH and I had already separated due to other issues, and about a year down the line (we were amicable and remained friends, probably helped by the fact I moved away) he phoned me to tell me he'd slept with my best friend the night before. He was single at the time, as was she, so TECHNICALLY they didn't do anything wrong, but it felt like a bit of a betrayal because it was with my closest female girlfriend at the time - in fact, I'd moved out and stayed with her for a few weeks when we first had some problems in the marriage. She knew my side of the story, offered support etc., and I was very grateful to her for being there for me.

I was glad he owned up straight away, and I told him it was okay, I wasn't devastated or anything, but when the friend still hadn't fessed up after a week I messaged her to tell her I knew, whereupon I got an outpouring of remorse. She really regretted it and apologised. Again, I said it was okay, but she should have told me etc.

We're still friends, but it's a bit icky, isn't it? Like I said, they didn't really do anything wrong - they were both single at the time - it just felt weird.

I can't work out if my occasional flash of discomfort and thinking "they really shouldn't have done that" is unreasonable or not . . .

ballerinabelle Fri 26-May-17 15:11:17

I think you're being very mature.

I'd probably cool my friendship though on the basis that it's just not cricket to do that to your best friend

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Fri 26-May-17 15:11:24

I think they crossed a line personally.

DontLetMeBeMisunderstood Fri 26-May-17 15:12:59

I think it's okay to feel a bit ick about it even though they technically did nothing wrong. I wouldn't be too annoyed at her for not telling you though - in some ways it might have been better for you if you'd never known, in fact I think it a little strange that your ex rushed to tell you about it immediately.

TheNaze73 Fri 26-May-17 15:16:41

You just don't go with a friend's ex. You just don't. Bin her off

Mari50 Fri 26-May-17 15:24:34

I know that technically, as single adults, they can do what they like but I'd be very disappointed if a female friend of mine slept with my exH. That said, now that I've written that down I've had a friend give a bf a bj and another slept with an exBF who I then started going out with again. Same bloke as well- hahah. I no longer speak to the bloke but the females involved are still very good friends.

HerBigChance Fri 26-May-17 15:25:41

Agree with PP: they are free to do as they wish, but you're not obliged to like it. A line has definitely been crossed and I would cool the friendship from here on.

SumThucker Fri 26-May-17 15:26:43

It'd be a leap over the line for me, never mind just over.

ILookedintheWater Fri 26-May-17 15:32:59

OP and exH had been separated a year and remained amicable.

After exH and I broke up and then my two dearest friends broke up (her choice/infidelity) he and I got together and have been happily married for several years.

Old friend is Ok with the relationship (though not Ok with my DH IYKWIM). Life is too short to lose friends over imaginary lines. If you'd been together when they got together then of course its unforgiveable, but a year after you broke up? Really?

indigox Fri 26-May-17 15:39:02

Too far across the line for my liking.

buttercup100 Fri 26-May-17 15:44:32

Friends of mine are still friends after one of them took up a relationship with her ex about a year later and went on to marry him! Sometimes things don't work out between two people and if there were lingering feelings or complications then I would understand why the BF getting involved with an ex is no-go, but if he is in your circle of friends, and it is not otherwise unusual behaviour for your BF, then I would be inclined to think it is fine even though it feels uncomfortable.

Personally, I would think a true BF would come and talk to you if she had feelings for an ex and wanted to act on them.. In the case of it happening all-of-a-sudden, you would hope that she would come to tell you, or at least talk to the ex about how they were going to approach it with you as a joint effort in a bid to protect your feelings and the friendship(s).

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 26-May-17 15:45:17

When exDH and I broke up, I still had a lot of contact with his close friend. Years later it came out that the friend had been carrying a torch for me. I didn`t know at the time and he was very careful not to do anything or say anything at all. It only came out because I asked him (exDH was a bit of a shit) why he didn`t just tell me to LTB and stay gone. He said he couldn`t because of how he felt.

That`s how a friend behaves.

Although if my BF slept with my exDH I would consider that punishment enough. grin

squoosh Fri 26-May-17 16:01:43

That's an absolute betrayal in my book.

squoosh Fri 26-May-17 16:39:15

I know there's no Big Book of Best Friend Rules but if there was, 'don't fuck my ex husband and then try to conceal it' would be right up there.

And if there was a Big Book of Rules for Ex Spouses 'don't fuck my best friend and then phone me and tell me all about it before you've even had a chance to wash your cock' would be in there.

It's uncouth behaviour.

NinonDeLenclos Fri 26-May-17 16:42:11

Squoosh wine

SemiNormal Fri 26-May-17 16:43:18

Ex boyfs aren't so bad providing no children involved. Ex husbands and ex boyfriends you have children with ... nah, it's a line for me. I'd be majorly fucking pissed. I wouldn't end the friendship but I'd let them know they were bang out of order.

SemiNormal Fri 26-May-17 16:44:20

Actually, I guess it depends on the lengh of time you were with an ex boyf ... hmmm.... just best not to go there really. hmm

kali110 Fri 26-May-17 16:44:28

Big betrayal.

RestlessTravellerTheSequel Fri 26-May-17 16:47:56

I guess this is entirely your call. You are entitled to feel about it anyway you want. I am very good friends with 2 other ladies, and all three of us share a erm... history with one bloke (who is also part of our friendship circle). However although all three of us had relationships with him we weren't around for the break-ups. As I said, entirely your call.

TatianaLarina Fri 26-May-17 16:50:25

I don't really know how I'd feel if a bf slept with an ex-h, but I do know that if I did that to any of my friends I would be an ex-bf.

ZiggyForever Fri 26-May-17 16:51:48

Range of reactions then, from "massive betrayal" right the way through to "no big deal" . . . I think I'm still closer to the "no big deal" end of the spectrum, with occasional flashes of "ick!" hmm

(I should also point out that exDH didn't "rush" to tell me - he phoned me late the following evening, having had a day of unease, regret and presumably a massive hangover!)

All in the past now anyway; and I only have occasional contact with both of them - friend emigrated, and I live in a different city to DH and we have no compelling reason to keep in touch.
Just wondered what the Mumsnet consensus on the situation would be!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Fri 26-May-17 16:52:13

No, it's not ok. Not ever. A friend wouldn't do this do you. Only desperate women/men do this in my opinion <shrugs>

Your ex is your ex and if you want to maintain any kind of relationship with him, that's up to you. Your 'friend' just isn't one. She'd be out of my life instantly and I'd never look back. No name-calling necessary but she would be 'less than' and wouldn't even register for me anymore.

Regardless of what people tell you, you're entitled to feel how you do. There's a good proportion of people who will feel the way you do too.

witsender Fri 26-May-17 16:53:33

It would be a crossed line for me.

lurkingfromhome Fri 26-May-17 17:04:11

Has she never HEARD of the saying "pals before penis"?

I would not be happy with this at all; it is definitely in the big unwritten rulebook of life.

Pinkheart5917 Fri 26-May-17 17:05:03

As they were both single they have done nothing wrong

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