Wife's SAHM attitude is getting too much(1000 Posts)
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My wife's been a SAHM for the last 9 yrs but both our kids are now at school with the youngest about to finish P1 and i feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me. We both had careers before kids and agreed that my wife would give up for parenthood - cost of childcare, wanting to be there for the kids many of the reasons. We didn't discuss what happened after the kids went to school though.
I work full time with a bit of a commute on either end so i'm out of the house 5 days a week, my wife drops the kids off just before 9, picks up after 3 and essentially has 6 hrs/ 5 days a week with no kids. despite this household chores, food shopping, etc get divided exactly 50/50 at the weekends and any time i mention it i get shouted down with a barrage of "you'd have me chained to the sink" arguments. during the day, as far as i can tell her time is spent, going to the gym, shopping, meeting friends, getting haircuts etc. the thing that's really got to me was that during an argument about it last weekend she said that she's earned time to herself after looking after the kids for so many years.
I'm now so frustrated and bitter about it almost anything on this topic really gets to me - how come if you use the milk at breakfast it takes me to go and get some more in the evening? why if the bin is emptied at 9am is it still at the bottom of the drive when i get in, all of these petty things are really getting me down. What's more it seems she's got a group of very like minded SAHM friends who seemingly encourage her to stand her ground.
I don't know when she became so entitled or how she manages to tell me she's really too busy during the day to do x,y, and z with a straight face but I'm at my wits end, i thought that as our youngest got settled in P1 that she might think about maybe returning to PT work or at the very least do some of the work we do at the weekend to free up family time but it's getting worse and I'm really struggling to see a way out of it.
I'd really like to hear from other SAHMs r.e. when their kids went to school.
YANBU - I'd be raging myself OP. I don't know what the solution is. Do you fund her lifestyle? Maybe if this stopped she'd realise she needs to make her own money?
Yanbu, that doesn't sound fair.
My dds are 8&6 and in school.
My 6 hours off each day are generally split - 2 hours work, 2 hours hw/admin, 2 hours me time.
I get everything done that needs to be done in those daily 2 hours, so that weekends and evenings for us all is time to do whatever we want.
As I feel my life is bloody lovely, I don't mind dh having more 'me time' at weekends than me.
I don't have any experience of this, but she seems to be taking the piss somewhat...
If she spends all her free time having haircuts, she won't have much left
I'm going to bite.
I work full time, and I've had a week off whilst kids are in school. It's fucking bliss
The house is so tidy. I'm relaxed and happy. Jeez even the dogs and kids are happier.
If I could get away with it I'd never work again.
But I love my husband and we're a team, so we need 2 incomes.
She sounds like a lazy caaahhhh.
Meh, a SAHM with shcool age children should be getting all the day-to-day housework, washing and food shopping done during the day.
Cooking evening meals and at the weekend should be split. As should any 'big jobs' like spring clean.
I'd simply point out that on the contrary to wanting her chained to the sink you'd just like to see jobs completed and for her to free up time for the weekend.
It really is that simple.
I was a sahm for 25 years and only work pt now.
My time was taken up with hobbies, interests and domestic chores.
Although I did the majority my dh still expected to do his share in the evenings, when he was here.
He has a higher standard of clean and tidy to me, so if he wanted it better, he did it himself.
Not sure if this is a reverse....... however, if not, I think you've got a point. I've often wondered what the working partner thinks in this situation.
I wondered this too, Miss Bax - especially as this thread sounds very similar, but in reverse, to a thread by a SAHM who wouldn't go back to work part time or do household stuff, and her DS was 16. There everyone piled in to supporting the DH.
Also, those who call troll on a thread, do they report the thread to MNHQ as a suspected troll thread or just comment on the thread itself?
I don't understand why people will shout troll on something. And to say "you don't even sound like a man" or whatever is the most sexist bullshit I've read all day. I'd love to see how that would go down if said to a woman on here.
YANBU to find it frustrating, if someone chooses and has the support of a partner to be a SAHM, then they have to do the jobs that come with that. That means doing the majority of housework imo, especially once the children are at school. If I were you I would tell her that you will be hiring a housekeeper/cleaner to do the things she doesn't and the money to pay for it will come out of what she usually has to spend on herself. Or she can do it herself and keep her spending money and just have reduced hours in which to spend it. Or suggest after so many years of being the breadwinner you now deserve a break and she can go back to work to pick up the slack.
Being a SAHM can be difficult, but that is when you have young DC at home all day and the incredible levels of mess that young DC bring to deal with. DC at school and doing no chores while expecting someone else to fund your frivolities isn't acceptable. Going out to work and being a SAHM are both difficult in different ways and in order to have a harmonious life you have to support each other. The working partner does need to help with some chores but they also deserve time to relax, she is relaxing all day everyday.
I can see it from both "sides" tbh.
Being with children, especially young ones, is all encompassing- to the point of rarely being able to go to the toilet without being mummed.
My dh is often out of the house from before the kids get up til nearly bedtime and all those hours for me are full on - that's 12 hours or so where there's not much mental or physical break.
Obviously with dc at school it's different but that's still a lot of hours before and after school and in the holidays when she is most certainly doing a lot more than you are. Are you maybe not seeing how much mental and physical effort goes into the parenting aspect of her "work"?
Also, I would be honest with yourself as to how much you really split parenting when you are at home.
My dh is great but he is just not used to being focused on the kids so when he is at home he will do a task and focus 100% on that while I am being constantly mummed and sorting out snacks and nappies etc etc!
But then from the other side I would think it should be possible, as you say, to free up weekends for family time by getting chores done while the dc are at school.
I wonder how much resentment has built up over the years on her part so she is now subconsciously getting her own back?
If you want your relationship to work I'd suggest looking hard at yourself and your attitudes too rather than just being angry at her.
Yanbu. She sounds very lazy and entitled. I think when people stop working their world becomes much smaller, their expectations of what they think they can/should get done in a day shrinks and their standards change to that of the people around them. So if she's surrounded by people who don't work, who's kids are in school so they're not doing anything but preening all day, then that becomes the normal.
I'd look into getting legal advice. You want to protect your assets and as much money as you can in divorce. Tell her she's to get a job. Don't pay for anything except bills or household essentials. She's an adult. She needs to get off her lazy arse and pay for her own gym, hair and contribute to the household. Once she has a job you can divorce her and won't have to pay out as much 😉
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