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AIBU to feel like I've failed at my chores?

(31 Posts)
IheartDodo Fri 26-May-17 12:40:51

My DP and I have been together over 5 years, lived together on and off but been where we are for about 18 months now.

We decided to split the household stuff so that he did all the cooking, and I did all the cleaning and washing. I thought this was working ok, occasionally it's a bit grubby as my work means that I tend to be busy in "waves", so sometimes there'll be a few weeks where I work ridiculous hours and I haven't actually done much cleaning for the last fortnight (I've done several loads of washing, cleaned the kitchen floor once, and cooked one dinner when DP was home late). DP works 9-5 with the occasional evening from home.

Then the other night, my DP suggested we get a cleaner for an hour or two a week. So they'd do the basic clean and I'd do any extra stuff/washing/changing beds etc.

Is this ridiculous? On the one hand, it'd be quite nice, and we can afford it, and my DP said he "wasn't having a go at me" but I work a lot and he wants to make it easier for me.
On the other hand it feels a bit pathetic, it's not a big house, it's just 2 adults and 2 cats... shouldn't we be able to do this?

IheartDodo Fri 26-May-17 12:41:38

Also it makes me wonder how we'll cope when we have kids (in a couple of years hopefully).

DangerousBeanz Fri 26-May-17 12:42:56

Get a cleaner. Stop being hard on yourself. It's making your life easier giving you mate quality time eurgh your dp and giving sunshine else a job. Win win.

MidnightVelvetthe7th Fri 26-May-17 12:43:06

You're overthinking it! Get a cleaner & split the cooking, just do it smile

DangerousBeanz Fri 26-May-17 12:44:16

Excuse typos. One day I will proof read mare= more
Eugh =with
Sunshine= someone

IheartDodo Fri 26-May-17 12:44:38

He likes cooking so would still do the majority (I can but don't like it).
I do a lot of the little things though, and gardening and DIY.

AnUtterIdiot Fri 26-May-17 12:44:48

That's much more work for you than for him. I do all the dishes, DH does all the washing and we split everything else on a fairly rough and ready basis. Like you I have unpredictable hours. No way could I do all the cleaning and washing regularly. I think get a cleaner if you can afford one.

summerlovinggirl Fri 26-May-17 12:46:01

I think your DP is right. If you work hard, and don't find the time to clean and can afford it, then why shouldn't you?
It's not silly at all and you shouldn't feel bad about it either.
I've got quite a large house, work full time (although on may leave at mo) with two DC. If I could afford a cleaner - I'd be straight on the phone arranging one!!
Be kind to yourself, and don't beat yourself up. Life's too short. X

birdsdestiny Fri 26-May-17 12:46:12

Agree with him. Just agree with him ☺.
I would also question if your division of labour is equal. If he does cooking only and you do everything else, cleaning, tidying, washing , beds, etc then that doesn't sound entirely fair.

IheartDodo Fri 26-May-17 12:47:37

I think the amount of work is equal per month say, but obviously he has to cook every day and I do a couple of bits per week.
He does the shopping and sorts out bills/internet.

KatharinaRosalie Fri 26-May-17 12:47:55

You're overthinking it.
You don't particularly enjoy cleaning. You can afford to outsource. So why wouldn't you?

IheartDodo Fri 26-May-17 12:48:35

We split the stuff we both dislike.
So cleaning the kitchen, bins, cat poo box, tidying.

user1491572121 Fri 26-May-17 12:50:00

So he got the cooking which is a nice thing to do and which he likes but you got ALL the cleaning and washing?

hmm

Get a cleaner and play the rest by ear. I don't think agreements like this work for couples because things can change day by day.

Autumnsweater Fri 26-May-17 12:51:07

Right firstly I think cleaning takes longer than the cooking so that probably wasn't an entirely fair split.

Secondly as others have said - just go for it! I think that will likely make it a fairer split as cleaner will do the big weekly jobs and you will still have the daily stuff to do.

Thirdly the whole households routine will change with children so it won't be the same anyway, don't worry about that bit til it happens!!

IheartDodo Fri 26-May-17 12:51:37

I quite like cleaning. Cleaner was my first job when I was 15! (part time obv)

IheartDodo Fri 26-May-17 12:52:17

That seems pretty unanimous really... thanks everyone!

thatorchidmoment Fri 26-May-17 12:52:28

Your DP is absolutely right and he isn't having a go at you. He's trying to reduce the burden on you which you admit is a bit much sometimes. If I could afford a cleaner I would get one like a shot!

IheartDodo Fri 26-May-17 12:56:09

Yeah it is, particularly at the moment.
Yesterday he said an annoying thing as a joke, and I just burst into tears and bawled like a three-year-old. (normally I'd have found it funny and laughed or rolled my eyes sarcastically)

Sunshinesuperman Fri 26-May-17 13:01:12

You would not be the only working couples I know that have a cleaner. If you have the money I wouldn't think twice, there is no inherent virtue in mopping a floor.

PeaFaceMcgee Fri 26-May-17 13:08:13

Ah, I think everyone here is imagining that you're spending an hour or two a day cleaning and washing - but you're doing it just once or twice a week?

And he wants a more 'spick and span' home environment? Crack on with a cleaner, I say. Yes - sounds like you have differing standards.

IheartDodo Fri 26-May-17 13:12:21

The aim is generally:
Once a week: hoover whole house, clean bathroom, wash kitchen floor, clean work surfaces.
Two or three (in this sweaty weather or if we have guests) loads of washing.
So probably 2 1/2 hours per week?
Although the DIY is occasional, so the other week I spent nearly 3 hours changing light fittings.
Also we both painted the lounge/dining room together, so in total 5 hours for him, 7 for me... you get the idea.

TempusEedjit Fri 26-May-17 13:20:27

I thought when deciding the split of chores the fairest way to do it is by how much downtime each person has left after everything's done. So if you're falling behind because you've done ridiculous hours that week but he's not helping because he's done "his" jobs already, then if he wants to outsource to pick up the slack rather than do it himself, then why not?

AnArrowToTheKnee Fri 26-May-17 13:21:42

If DH offered to get a cleaner I'd literally jump for joy. Even if it was just for the bigger jobs - hoovering, mopping, bathroom cleaning - the stuff that's a pain to do with kids underfoot. No shame in outsourcing if you can afford to!

IheartDodo Fri 26-May-17 13:23:43

Oh Tempus that makes sense.
I reckon even though we do roughly the same housework (not this week but normally), I have much less free time.

IHeartDodo Tue 27-Jun-17 09:03:15

If anyone's still following this, the cleaner starts on Thursday! Just having 2hrs /fortnight to start with, so we'll see how it goes!

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