Grandparent visits(16 Posts)
Lo is 5 months old and is the first baby on both sides of the family. We live a 5 minute drive from both sets of grandparents. Pre baby we would usually See them once a week tops but usually every other week. We see them about the same now. I'm starting to get sick of them all being on my case about visits all.the.time. Yes it's nice for DS to see them regularly but we also need family time with just the 3 of us. Hubby works really long hours all week and only gets quality time at the weekend. Friday night through Sunday he's attached at the hip with DS because he misses him so much all week. If we see any of the grandparents they tend to try and take over. My parents constantly bring up postnatal depression and accuse me of having it because they think I'm pushing them away... which pisses me off when they bring it up because it comes across as extremely patronising and they say it like I'm not thinking straight, like it's not normal to see them as little as we do. If I don't do as they say and see them when they want I get ignored if I send them cute pics/videos of lo. AIBU to visit every other week?!
You're on maternity leave. They live 5 mins away. Why can't you see them in the week when your DH is at work?
Do what works best for your family. When I was on maternity leavey in laws came to see me and the baby during the day one day a week. Then very occassionally we saw them at the weekend so they could see their son too. That worked better for us as a family as we got time together at the weekend without them. When your baby is older then encourage them to babysit once a week so you can go out. That way they get to see the grandchild and you get free baby sitting. Actually my in laws aren't well enough to be left in charge so when they come I use the time to get something done in a different room within ear shot for toilet trips and other requests.
How often do they want to see you? And for how long?
Everyone will have different opinions on this.
I'm very much like you, once a fortnight is enough for me to see the grandparents. We both work during the week and weekends are the only quality time we get. I'm also an introvert and can find company exhausting.
My inlaws ring up every single weekend to come over and to know what we are doing and I find it to much.
But other people will happily see e tended family several times a week and would find once a fortnight odd.
The grandads work full time and the grandmas work part time. Evenings are a no go because lo is in bed by 7 latest. But the main reason is that they just drive me insane and I just don't want to, they never come here, it's always me having to go to their place and my mum never wants to join me on a walk. My MIL would but wants to bring her dog that's completely uncontrollable and is very vicious around children. I walk a ton with lo during the day and am not keen to stay indoors.
Pop all you're going to get is loads f suggestions as to how you can make it work with seeing them more. Can't you do this, can't you do that.
Ultimately if they drive you mad then you've only two options.
See them more but they'll prob annoy you, or, see them as much as you're happy with.
Quite they would happily see us everyday if they could!
I guess the main thing that annoys me in all of this is the control they try and have. If I say to my Dad "sorry we've got plans this weekend" he will ask what I'm doing and question everything fairly aggressively. Recently we were genuinely busy all weekend apart from Sunday morning so I said we can see you Sunday morning which my Dad replied "I go on my bike ride on Sunday mornings, you know that, why are you doing this to me??" It appears as if they think we should plan our weekend around them
Your baby, your rules.
Refuse to engage with the PND discussion because it's ridiculous. Tell the grandparents things need to change because they are causing you all stress. Work out what works for you, and then invite them when you want to see them. If they turn up at other times tell them it's not convenient, and shut the door. Or just don't answer the door. It's not you being rude here, it's them.
This is weird (of them - not you).
Lay the boundaries now or it will continue. And probably get worse.
Re. The questioning from your father. I just would not engage with this at all. Say 'oh well, maybe we'll see you next weekend'. Be breezy, non-commital and don't be afraid to point out their unreasonableness.
To take the pressure off you let dh deal with his folks and you yours. Be on the same page and just resend the same texts. Don't feel guilty for trying to enjoy your dc. . They have had their time to enjoy theirs!!
Remember being a GP is a privilege!!
Use this to your advantage. Book them for a regular slot during the week and you can talk to them for a bit and then go out and have some 'you' time while they play with dgc.
Thanks for all the replies I think you're right Quinoa if I don't stand my ground now it will only get worse. When DS is older I don't mind them watching him but I fear if I try this route now the controlling will get much worse. Unfortunately I can't do this with the in laws because of their crazy dog and they won't shut it away for visits....it might be just a new dynamic for everyone to get used to but I would have thought 5 months was long enough! Lol
Refusing to come to you is ridiculous. It's much easier to deal with annoying people in your own house. The dog would worry me too.
You can always offer things they won't accept! I would turn their rudeness back on them. "Yes, come and see us on Sunday morning". And when you get the bike ride objection, you can do a tinkly little laugh and say something like "Well, what with my PND I don't like leaving the house!"
Well, not that perhaps, but offer what suits you inbetween doing a level of visits to either set of parents that works for your nuclear family. When you get complaints you can point out they aren't making any compromises or even being particularly considerate. And point out to PIL now that once your baby is bigger and likely to be lying on the floor, then crawling then walking, the dog's presence will be out of the question.
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