Should I have told his wife?(13 Posts)
Partly out of curiosity and, also because part of me is starting to feel cross about this situation, I really want to know what other people think.
About 2 months ago a male colleague made a pass at me after a drinks night out. I am married (as is he) and told him I had no interest and managed to successfully avoid him for about a month.
However, about a month ago after a work function we were both quite drunk and as we were walking to the train station he tried to kiss me again and when I asked him what he was up to, he made it clear he wacted an affair. I got really angry with him and told him I didn't want to have anything to do with him outside of work. I have made it clear I don't want anything to happen but I now don't trust him at all. I am feeling bitter. As far as I can see, he made a move on me and it hasn't had any consequences for him - everyone (except for the two people I told) keeps on saying what a nice guy he is and his wife clearly doesn't have a clue. I also have a vague suspicion that he might be circulating his own script about what happened and why it is that we have gone from working really closely together to hardly speaking.
At the time, in my mind I thought nothing really happened so it wasn't worth making a fuss over but should I have? Would it be unreasonable to drag it up now?
Unfortunately i think if you drag it up he will give his own version of events and you will come out as the liar. You could have a conversation with HR to give them a heads up in confidence and then if he does anything more you could go back to them. I don't think telling his wife will help as he will manage to convince her you are lying.
Yes you would . Unless he has form You might risk look a bit crazy tbh. Keep it cool and at arms length and be glad you have a strong marriage yourself
Unfortunately I think if you tell his wife the only person who will come out of the situation badly is you OP.
I agree with the above posters. If he is making aggressive and unwelcome passes at colleagues then he will be twisting the truth saying it was you.
Avoid him and make sure you are never alone with him. He's an arse
He's a shit
But everyone will believe himand not you
Ignore, move on, tell nobody
Don't get pissed on work nights out (they're work, not social?)
Worthwhile noting re HR. Unfortunately, my marriage isn't that strong. I told DH what happened and he went mad. He keeps on saying colleague will try it on again and that I should try to find another job.
Another one suggesting you talk to HR. You can say you are not looking for any action, but want it noted.
It's very difficult to know the best way to deal with this situation. If you think he will be spiteful and perhaps spread rumours then perhaps it is worth having it noted by HR. Certainly don't tell his wife. If you think that this is the end of the matter then don't report it. I think I'd look for another job in the circumstances but it's up to you.
What's the point of telling his wife? He'll claim you came onto him, he rejected you and this is the result. She'll believe her husband. Men like this are convincing liars...
The best way to deal with him is avoid being near him and under no circumstances be alone with him, especially when drunk. You don't know what he might be capable of if he got angry with rejection a third time.
And as well as logging it with HR (as two separate attempts!), if you do find yourself alone with him then make sure you have a recorder on your phone and see if you can set it to record so you have a record of what was said in case he tries it again...
I wouldn't tell his wife. She won't believe you anyway, and he will spin her some line and make you out to be crazy lady.
I would absolutely tell HR. You may well need that report later if rumours reach their ears. (It's worth remembering that in many cases HR exists to protect the company not the individual)
I'd also stop attending all out of hours social work events, and if that presents you with a problem with not being seen as a team player, then at the very least making sure you are never ever in the position where you are on your own with him, or do not have a reliable third party corroboration of events. A reliable, sober person preferably. Remember you are not contracted to attend out of hours events, you can have any number of "excuses" to not go and that can only be seen as entirely reasonable, provided you are doing the work you're employed to do.
I'd not look for another job. This is his issue not yours, and while your DH is looking out for you, I'd be bolshy enough to think he should move.
But, it may come to that eventually. Do you work in an industry where it's small enough that reputation will follow you?
Sorry you are going through this, it's hideous.
I don't think he will do it again. He knows I have told DH and since I have asked him not to talk to me about anything directly relating to work he has been respectful enough to comply.
At some point I probably will leave as I have almost gone as far as I can go in this company but I want to do it on my terms and when I am ready.
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