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To think if 1 DC has a part-time job and saves, they lose out on financial support?

(39 Posts)
ChewableHair Thu 25-May-17 20:58:10

DS1 has a part-time job and can afford to purchase his own driving lessons and car. DS2 doesn't have a part-time job and can't afford to purchase his own driving lessons and car, so FIL brought both for him.

AIBU to think this isn't very kind? There's only a year between them. DH thinks it would be rude to mention it...

ClopySow Thu 25-May-17 20:59:37

Yeah, that's a bit shit. It's teaching them both bad lessons

Jakeyboy1 Thu 25-May-17 21:00:05

Doesn't seem fair on Ds1 and encourages your youngest not to work. FIL v kind but should have asked and should treat them equally. I'd be asking so what is DS1 getting??

ChewableHair Thu 25-May-17 21:03:19

@Jakeyboy1 I was thinking about asking something like that, but DH says it's rude and has asked me not to...

I feel really sorry for DS1 who saved hard to purchase them!

peachgreen Thu 25-May-17 21:07:14

Very unfair. Poor DS1.

Ditsy1980 Thu 25-May-17 21:12:28

Oh that's unfair.
I'd say something along the lines of we really appreciate what you've done for DS2, what will you be getting for DS1?
Even if the answer is nothing then you can start the conversation of how not to do it in future as it's unfair.

Jakeyboy1 Thu 25-May-17 22:18:26

@ChewableHair it may seem a bit "grabby"
But I think there's a point to be made i.e. You have another grandchild !

Crumbs1 Thu 25-May-17 22:28:47

I think I'd be rejecting offer of payment for driving lessons.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Thu 25-May-17 22:30:22

Each according to need.

Your DS1 didn't need help, DS2 did.

Witchend Thu 25-May-17 22:46:19

Still but dd2 could (I assume) have got a part time job. He didn't. So he had the time and effort that ds1 put into his job to do his own thing and he still gets the same material things at the end.
It wasn't need it was choice.

MrsLucyEmerson Fri 26-May-17 05:08:53

It is incentivizing your second child not to get a job, not to work hard, not to save.

I am surprised any GP would think that a good idea.

Is there a back story of favouritism?

Biscusting Fri 26-May-17 05:23:11

That's mean of the GP. Although my family does things like that a lot. My DB won't work more hours to afford the things he wants like a car, my parents just buy him what he needs.
It's unfair, but life is like that. We don't all get the same opportunities or luck. Can you speak to the DC about it? Acknowledge the situation at least.
Also are you able to subsidise DC1s lessons or car to compensate?

SingaSong12 Fri 26-May-17 05:32:13

On the face of it seems unfair. Is there any kind of balancing up going on - eg did DFil pay for DS1 to go on a school trip years ago but not DS2. The only other reason would be the stage of education (is DS2 doing exams?) - but in that case DS2 could have worked last year so still could be unfair.

Not sure how to tackle this, partly depends on whether Dfil has form for this, or may just not have thought it through.

blubberball Fri 26-May-17 05:33:56

I'd have to say No thank you. If they're not going to treat them both the same, I'd rather they didn't pay out for either of them.

XiCi Fri 26-May-17 05:35:07

Did FIL not discuss such a big purchase with you before he went ahead? Why didn't you bring this up with him before he bought the car?

Unacceptable Fri 26-May-17 05:41:34

Super fucking harsh

Unacceptable Fri 26-May-17 05:44:38

But singasong makes good point.
Still, I'd feel very hard done by on DS2's behalf and would feel cross with fil

user1491572121 Fri 26-May-17 06:00:35

"DH says it's rude to say anything"

Not as rude as buying one grandchild lessons and not the other!

I wouldn't allow that.

Oblomov17 Fri 26-May-17 06:42:29

So unfair. I had 2 jobs, and paid for my own driving lessons and car.
How is that fair on ds1? angry

emmyrose2000 Fri 26-May-17 06:55:29

DH is so wrong it's not even funny. This goes beyond "rude" and into abusive. Of course something needs to be said! The time for talking was when FIL came up with this disgraceful idea. The only thing that needed to be said was "no".

Is DC2 the favoured child/grandchild? Would not-D H be so flacid if DC1 was the one being favoured?

DC1 is being treated like shit. Why are you standing by and letting this happen?

topcat2014 Fri 26-May-17 07:07:52

Duff grandparenting if you ask me.

DH should have nipped this in the bud, or got equivalent money for both.

topcat2014 Fri 26-May-17 07:08:47

Paying for lessons is one thing, as driving is a useful life skill, but a car as well!!

Laiste Fri 26-May-17 07:11:58

FIL just bought a car and driving lessons for one of your kids and there was no previous conversation about what was about to happen? ie no one was consulted, no one said 'yes'?

If it were me i'd be sending the car and the lessons back.

goodnessidontknow Fri 26-May-17 07:58:57

Each according to need.

Your DS1 didn't need help, DS2 did.

In this context, this comment sums up exactly what is wrong with society. One works for his lessons and the other is given equivalent because "they need it too". Apologies OP if there is a back story that justifies DS2 requiring additional support.
YANBU to think this is unfair and should be challenged. GP can do what they like with their own money but I would point out the disparity and ask them to consider how it would make DS1 feel.
Too late to change it now but I would be having a conversation with DS1 about life being unfair sometimes and reiterating how proud you are that he worked hard for his driving.

RhiWrites Fri 26-May-17 08:01:26

That's awful. I'd ask them not to do anything like this again. It sends the message not to work for things but be idle and expect to be given them.

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