To be stressed this much over neighbours

[MindTalks]

I feel almost petty for putting this on here (especially with what's happened in the UK recently) but I'm clueless on what to do to help myself.

As I'm writing this my neighbours music is pounding the walls like it has been since half 11 this morning, which is likely to continue into the the early years meaning my children can't sleep. The smoke from his lidless BBQ is starting to invade the house like it does most breakfasts, lunches and dinners whenever a hint of sunshine is in the sky. Meaning I have to choose between a smokey house for hours or a hot one. It's the music I can't stand the most. I live in fear in my own house that my children will be kept up until the early hours once again due to the music. The pounding bass gives me headaches and the drunken stumbling around the house, the fights in the street and the shouting outside makes me on edge. We've tried speaking to them but they often pretend they can't understand us and become aggressive (as the music comes with them being drunk)

We're on a new build on the help to buy in a sort of link detached house, we were sold the dream that we would live in peace by only being attached by one bedroom and a garage. But to me it feels like the biggest regret ever, we were renting a lovely (quiet) house before renting near my favourite school in the area. To get our foot on the housing ladder, by the pushing of my parents who paid 80% of our deposit for us (which i know we're are extremely lucky for) It's because of that kindness I feel stuck.

I've explained to said parents about how living here makes me feel, I live in fear of this house which has left me with daily headaches, I've been told I'm stressed and depressed and need to try improve my situations. But said parents make me feel guilty about wanting to leave, as they helped us. They tell me they didn't help me and DH for us to leave so quickly (we've lived here nearly 2 years) and it would be a downgrade if we moved from here to a semi. As without the help to buy we can just afford a semi. But I'm fearful it will be just the same as here?

I'm crying whilst writing this, i feel so petty and pathetic to be so stressed and upset over this, when so many people dream to buy. I'm starting to feel so trapped, I try to think of ways to stay out and away from this house. My parents make me feel guilty for wanting to leave but I just want to be happy in a home. Me and DH have even talked about renting again so we can save for a detached and live peacefully whilst doing so.

So, yeah. I guess I'm looking to know if I am being unreasonable in wanting to go or if my parents are right. As well as what would you do in this situation.

[littlemissneela]

I do feel for you, especially as it feels you can't do anything about it. I would suggest keeping a log of all their anti social activities, record the music from your house and what time it is on, and build up a complaint list. Then I would go to your local council and ask them to help. They can give abatement notices carry a fine if ignored, or even equipment being taken away.
I do hope you get some help with this. Home is meant to be the place you feel safe, not make you ill. Don't be beholden to your parents about the money either. If there is something else which you can afford to move to, and it will make you happier, even if it is a step back in house size, just go for it.
I love a bbq, but not for breakfast

[Idratherhaveacupoftea]

Don't let them make you feel guilty, you're the ones who have to live next door such awful people. I'd rather live in a semi than have to put up with that situation. Or if you'd rather, sell up and rent for a while until you have a bigger deposit for a detached.

[DonaldJBottyburp]

YANBU, it sounds like a very stressful situation.

Are you sure you can't afford something else more detached if you change where you are prepared to live, or how much work you are prepared to do on a new property?

Don't live somewhere you aren't happy with if you can help it. Yes it would be prudent to wait until you can move somewhere better, but at least agree to get the mission underway.

[MindTalks]

Thanks for the replies so far, just thought i'd add:

We've tried the council, the council promise to send a log book and get in touch and push us to ring the police. We ring the police and they tell us to ring the council. We go in circles and circles with them time and time again. Council have also warned if we keep complaining to them it will effect our house price.

Also DS1 has additional needs as is due to go to a specialist school in September in the area we lived before. I'm prepared to move out of the area but the council have already said transport for him to said school will be in a taxi with no escort. Even though in his EHCP it's written that he has no road safety, can't follow instructions and is very anxious. So the taxi would not work for him at all, which the council have said themselves!

[BMW6]

Ring 101 and make a formal complaint about the incessant loud music and drunkenness.

[NotYoda]

I really feel for you. A good friend was driven to severe stress and depression through noisy neighbour. What makes it so stressful is the lack of control and the fact you start to anticipate it; and then when it starts you have no idea when it will stop.

It is not petty and pathetic. And I understand the fear it will happen elsewhere. I am hypersensitive to noise from neighbours we had 20 years ago! But don't let that paralyse you

What she did was this:

Take control make by taking note of every incidence
Report to the Noise Control unit of your council
If you have other friendly neighbours, talk to them and ask them to also support you in reporting them (friend did this)

If this is not successful, or if you just can't wait, then do what you need to do to make it better : move.

[NotYoda]

X post - sorry. My post took ages to post

[NotYoda]

When you have rung the police, is it during fights and drunkenness?

[aaaaargghhhhelpme]

Oh op. Biggest I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It can seem like a trivial thing to someone on the outside. But when you feel trapped in your own home it's awful.

I had PND whilst living next to loud bass music. It probably wasn't all day and all night. But I was on constant tender hooks. Listening out. I drove myself mad.

First of all. You need to lay it down the line to your parents. It was a gift right. Not one with strings. You love them. You're grateful. But surely they don't want to see you like this?

Do your council have environmental health? I would pester them. Do they have an out of hours service? Or just during the day. Get that log book. they're doing their job saying you will have to disclose this when selling.

Unless he's being aggressive I can't see this being a police matter sorry. Unless you can get through to a helpful psco who might come out and have a word?

So sorry. I know how tough this is x

[MindTalks]

We've given up on the police now as they either tell us the same message or get aggravated with us. A police car did go in at Christmas due to a fight they had, but it seems they've become street wise almost to the complaints against them. As once a fight starts the others (there's around 6-7 living in the house) drags them back in. I've given up hope in the police and council now, the man living on the other side of him gets the same response from him. We feel pretty much on our own

[pigsDOfly]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Your distress isn't petty in any way. This sort of thing can cause awful stress and depression.

I know how desperate you must feel as I ended up selling my last house after living there for less than 3 years because of the neighbours: 3 students who would come home drunk/stoned at 4 in the morning several times a week with a large crowd of friends and play thumping drum and bass until around 8/9am.

Unless your neighbours drunkenness is causing problems in itself the police won't be interested in the noise as it's something that the council should be dealing with. The council effectively telling you to stop complaining is completely unacceptable. Re the house price, that has nothing to do with the council, but you will have to declare it when you come to sell your house if you've had a dispute with a neighbour.

As pp don't let your parents guilt trip you if you want to sell. They probably have no idea what you're going through and how horrible it is.

[TheHiphopopotamus]

Sorry, OP, but I would tell your parents to get stuffed. They aren't the ones who have to live there.

I would definitely be thinking about moving if you aren't getting any joy elsewhere. Do the neighbours own their house, do you know?

[viktoria]

Really feel for you. And as a previous poster wrote: it's not petty. It is extremely stressful.
Do your noisy neighbours own or rent? If they rent, they are most likely in breach of their rental contract as it usually states that they need to be respectful to their neighbours. Also, it sounds like there might be more people living there than are on a rental contract.
If they own, I think your only option is to keep logging their anti social behaviour.
However, it sounds to me that you have made up your mind that you would want to leave (due to your son's school route). And therefore you are reluctant to keep pressing the police and council due to repercussions in terms of your house value.
I suppose it comes down to "should I stay or should I go".
I would make it dependent on whether your next door neighbours are likely to stay there for the foreseeable future. If yes, I would move.
You could always rent out your house and rent a place that has an easier commute to your son's school.
Best of luck

[EwanWhosearmy]

We had a neighbour like this when I was expecting DC1. Nobody else understands unless they have been through it, and as NotYoda says I am now hypersensitive to noise. My DC1 is 30!

Firstly are they renting or do they own the property? It is much easier to get rid of them if they are tenants.

Practical things you can do. Go online to Neighbours From Hell. here They can give you uptodate info and link you with other people suffering like you.

You don't need the council to send you a logbook. Just start keeping a note of what he is doing. Times, duration, exactly what is happening. Speak to his other neighbour and get him to do the same. It doesn't matter that the noise is not at antisocial times; when it is loud and constant it is still antisocial. Once you've got this, call environmental health at your local council. They can come out and record the noise levels and they do have the power to confiscate the equipment making the noise. If there is a pattern to the noise that will help, because then you can arrange for them to come at the noisiest time.

That should all help. If not, your last step is to see a solicitor. Our Neighbour From Hell moved out just after receiving a cease and desist letter from our solicitor. We found out later that his was a pattern and he just moved from house to house pissing people off.

Otherwise you will have to tell your parents that it is affecting your mental health and you will have to move. It will be very difficult to sell your property with such a neighbour, but maybe a landlord will buy it.

Please don't just put up with it. There are things you can do.

[MissionItsPossible]

How long have the neighbours with the loud music lived there? Are they renting or do they own the home? When you said they pretend they can't understand you - do you mean language barrier wise or because the music is too loud to hear each other?

[MindTalks]

Evening everyone, thank you all so much for replying, it really means a lot to me.

Next door have lived here before us, I think they moved in 2 months before us as we were the last to buy in the street. We're all the original owners of new builds that were all built nearly 2 years ago.

I haven't thought about environmental health yet, as thought that would be part of the council team we complain too. My council is meant to be have an out of hours number but get this! We rang it at 3am in the morning when we were at breaking point a few months back and the line was closed! Our area is just a joke for trying to get support.

The money was gift from my parents but as i feared it seems to have come with them having a hold on it and our decisions on the house.

My neighbour owns unfortunately, we ordered a copy of the land deeds online. He is the sole owner. A language barrier is the reason they use to not understanding us. My DH has come round many a times to plead with them to turn the music down so our boys can sleep, the last time he went they laughed in his face.

Thank you so much for that information EwanWhosearmy, I'll be doing some research tonight and looking into our options. I'm been keeping a log today of what's gone on, I'm dreading the bank holiday as the party they had for the previous one was the worst yet.

My Nan rang me earlier to see if I was ok, as she was round earlier dropping some cards off to my house and she could hear the music coming from his house. I'm so embarrassed that she's rang up over it but I'm hoping if she tells my mum then she'll start to understand.

[Loulou0]

OP, I feel for you. I was in a similar situation years ago. My neighbour played some stupid computer game through speakers for about 18 hours each day. It was hell.
I would dread going home and was constantly on edge, anxious and exhausted.
When I was eventually able to move to a quiet home, everything changed. I felt like I could breathe again and my home became my sanctuary rather than a place of torture.
It reallyy doesn't matter what your parents say or do. This is your life, yours and your DC's home. Get out and don't look back.

[MindTalks]

Your message has really struck a cord with me Loulou, I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to breath, I feel so upset about it all tonight, It's making my chest feel tight with emotion.

I've tried speaking to my mum tonight and she's made me feel awful. Saying that me dad would be disappointed if we sold and rented again If we didn't buy again straight away. That I need to put things in perspective and think of how many bad days they are to good. I've tried saying that It's just not the noise, It's the not knowing when It will happen, how long It will last and when It will happen again.

[Loulou0]

I really hope you find a way to get out OP. You will really wish you had done it sooner x

[iamEarthymama]

Get your parents to swop houses with you for a week or so in this lovely weather. Say it's because the authorities require proof from non-residents
Tell them the police asked that a diary is kept of every incident.
Unless they are hearing impaired, they might start to understand?

If you were my daughter, I would be round there telling the selfish git off, not making you feel guilty.

You have all my sympathy, we had neighbours from hell 3 years ago in a rented property, first drug dealers, who 'borrowed" my garden furniture without asking, then noisy, screaming children who never went to bed.

Now we have a fab woman, who likes to shout over the fence, 😊 and is very interested in my life, but with genuine concern. She brought us a bottle of wine last night which her (married) suitor had dropped off, but she refused to drink it as her fiancé did not approve. I have have been appointed the guardian of her virtue 😄
She is funny but lovely, bless her.

That's how it should be, not the constant pressure of waiting to see what happens next.

[Pallisers]

So what if your mum and dad will be disappointed? There is a lot worse you could do to disappoint them than move out of a house that is making you miserable.

You HAVE to do what suits you best and this house is having an terrible effect on your health and life and that of your children. I couldn't live like that. They use that kind of noise (and the unpredictability of it) as torture/to break hostage-takers. You are not being unreasonable. Your dh and you should make a decision that suits you best.

[Timeandtune]

Can you find someone who speaks their language and ask them to go and speak to the neighbours with you? Try to speak to them at a time when they are quiet.
Does anyone in your area provide a mediation service for neighbour disputes?

[MrsMozart]

Move. If parents say anything tell themyou didn't realise the money came with strings that would make you ill.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Stop talking to your parents about this. It isn't their decision. Say nothing more to them about it. Start looking for new properties and talking to estate agents about selling yours. Tell the parents nothing until you've exchanged on the new property.

You are adults. You don't need your parents' permission. Adult children frequently choose not to tell their parents things until after the event because they fret so much.

Your parents gave you money. That was nice. You did not sign a contract agreeing to give them the power of veto over when and if you move in exchange for the money.

[SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies]

I have been where you are OP and yes, it is terrible. I went down the road of Enviromental health. They came out to my house twice - no noise, but the 3rd time, on went the music right on cue.
The EH officer was at my neighbours door in a flash, and seconds later off went the racket that I had heard constantly night and day. The peace was wonderful. They just couldn't get that they were invading my space, but when a household with 5 music systems, and usually at least 3 of them all playing different music at the same time is blaring out noise, how can it not invade your space. I was a wreck.

Regardless of what your parents say, it is your house, your life, your choice for you to make.