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AIBU?

To be extremely upset that DD wants to go to a local, not very well-respected uni?

161 replies

HarryandHolly72 · 25/05/2017 15:18

Hi, DD is heading off to uni in September; she is 19. She has some great A-Levels (AAA) and could pick some better unis! She wasn't ready to move out so held back for a year and has worked and has saved about 6k. She claims she still isn't ready to move out but really wants to head off to uni now. I think it's such a waste

I'm not going to put the uni name as I don't think it's fair to people studying there, but it isn't the most respected and is pretty low down. She also wants to do something that's quite competitive and hard to get into imho (Biochemistry).

She doesn't want to move to the campus either. She is helpful around the house and does her bit, so it's not because I don't want her here. I just think it's a huge waste.

AIBU?

OP posts:

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neonrainbow · 25/05/2017 15:19

None of your business. Have you always been a pushy parent?

chipsandpeas · 25/05/2017 15:20

Her life her choice of uni

GiraffeorOcelot · 25/05/2017 15:20

Don't be ridiculous neon of course it is her business, she has the right to be upset.

greenworm · 25/05/2017 15:22

I understand your disappointment but I guess ultimately it's her decision.

Have you talked through her issues re: moving out? Does she have specific worries that could be addressed and supported?

Are there better unis within commuting distance, that she could get to via car/train?

Have you/she looked into whether she could try a year somewhere else and transfer directly onto the second year of local uni's programme if it didn't work out? I have no idea if this is possible btw, but worth considering.

HarryandHolly72 · 25/05/2017 15:22

I'm not being pushy. I believe it's important to look at what each person is capable of and she is capable of more... I know it's her choice ultimately, but I do think it's a shame.

OP posts:

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher · 25/05/2017 15:23

My dd is going local too but it's a good uni. I get your sorry but support her and see how it goes. She may gain her confidence and want to move out next year.

As for the uni look employers would rather a 2/1 from a rum of the mill uni than a 3rd from a red brick one.

FatBottomedGal · 25/05/2017 15:23

I did this exact thing. I stayed at home during uni and went to the one down the road - because I didn't want to leave my boyfriend

Safe to say, I ended up having a pretty rubbish uni experience, it was like being back at college! Broke up with said boyfriend in my final year when it was too late to start properly integrating and having fun and really felt like I'd missed out.

Although I wish I'd had the typical uni experience, I came out with no debt (which probably isn't possible now - but I didn't take out a student loan for accommodation etc.) and I'd actually managed to save some money through working in a pub throughout the 3 years. There are positives and negatives I suppose.

Realistically, it's your daughter's decision. Feel free to highlight your concerns but if she doesn't want to move away then I suppose there's not much you can do!

greenworm · 25/05/2017 15:23

Didn't work out as in she didn't like it, not didn't work out as in she didn't pass the year. I'm sure she'd have to complete the first year.

BoysofMelody · 25/05/2017 15:24

If that's where she's happy and wants to go and there's a course that meets her needs then I really can't see the problem. I went to about the most prestigious university there is in the UK and I hated it, left without knowing what I wanted to do and my confidence shot and signed on the dole.

Leavesandburies · 25/05/2017 15:24

I'd be upset too. I don't think you are pushy at all. You'd be crazy not to want the best choices for your child. It's not as if she can only go to a lower level university, which would be fine if that was the case, but why make her future potentially more difficult that it could otherwise be.

She sounds pretty strong minded and like she knows what she wants so I think you're just going to have to respect her choices. Has she said why she won't go for somewhere with a better reputation?

Pinkheart5917 · 25/05/2017 15:24

She's 19 SHE gets to decide what uni SHE wants to go to and as she's adult that is something you will just have to respect.

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher · 25/05/2017 15:24

And she's only 19!! Her life is just starting and it's not fixed now. She hasn't wasted anything at her age don't be a drama larma

neonrainbow · 25/05/2017 15:24

Of course its none of her business its her daughters life not hers. Choice of primary school, fine. Not uni.

InDubiousBattle · 25/05/2017 15:25

Er, she lives in her house...how the hell is it not the op's business! There is however very little you can do about it op, she is an adult and it is her decision. Deciding to go to a particular uni purely on being able to live at home is foolish, did she look around other universities?

DarkFloodRises · 25/05/2017 15:26

If she lives at home she would save a lot of money compared to paying for accommodation. If you don't mind her living at home, it might be a sensible option? She might be the kind of person who doesn't want too much pressure at one of the highly competitive universities.

HarryandHolly72 · 25/05/2017 15:29

No, she looked at no other unis. We have 2 local and she is going for the better one.

OP posts:

HardcoreLadyType · 25/05/2017 15:31

I can sympathise with you, OP.

DD1 has been offered a very good university place to study English, but has decided to defer it to do an Art foundation course. (The university has agreed to defer, but I think she may decide to branch off into Art after the foundation year.)

It's hard for me to see her do that, but ultimately, it's her life, and her choice. (Not that Art isn't a good thing to do, of course.)

So no advice, just a handhold from someone in a similar position.

InDubiousBattle · 25/05/2017 15:32

She's not ready. Even living at home she will get into considerable debt paying fees and to not even look at a single other uni is ridiculous. Is it a Russell Group uni?

HarryandHolly72 · 25/05/2017 15:33

@InDubiousBattle nope

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 25/05/2017 15:34

If she's planning to live at home for years supported by her mum, then actually her mum should have a say.

thedancingbear · 25/05/2017 15:37

First, she's an adult. It's not unreasonable for you to be upset, but ultimately you have to recognise it's her decision.

Second, as someone involved in graduate recruitment, broadly speaking, unless it's oxbridge, we don't really take any notice of which uni someone went to. By that measure, she's probably better off with a first from an old poly than she is with a lower grade from (say) Cardiff or Manchester.

waterrat · 25/05/2017 15:38

Ludicrous to say it's not your business. Only on mumsnet is a major life decision made by a teenager not something for a parent to care about. Also she is going to stay at home and thst really is your business

As older hopefully wiser beings parents can and should offer calm advice

For me the living at home is actually the saddest aspect of it...does she suffer from anxiety ?

Could you sit her down and suggest helpful ideas like looking at two other universities and visiting halls?

Also could you make clear to her that she will have to move out one day and this is. Gentle way to do it?

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greenworm · 25/05/2017 15:38

A quick Google shows that it's definitely possible to transfer directly into the second year of a degree programme. See for example here:

www.bristol.ac.uk/study/undergraduate/apply/transfers/

One option could be for your DD to do the first year in the local uni, and then if she feel more ready to move out, look to transferring. She'd need the best results possible in her first year to give her as good a chance as possible. I doubt she'd be able to go for a top uni if she's doing the first year in a much lower ranked one, but could at least aim a bit higher I'd think, with her strong A level results and best possible marks from first year?

Catminion · 25/05/2017 15:42

My niece was the same. She finally moved out in her second year and did Erasmus (overseas) in her third.

My DD1 couldn't wait to leave - see it as a compliment!

I have also been involved in graduate recruitment and the Uni attended is relatively unimportant.

LadySalmakia · 25/05/2017 15:43

The quality of the university you go to does matter and you're right to be concerned. Also, I know my mum was rather keen on me moving out and it is a really great formative experience, etc.

There are many other great life paths of course, and what concerns me about this isn't necessarily the 'stay at home, modest uni' plan - that could well be a sensible pay off in some people's life plan e.g. you know you want to be a XX, you just need a 2:1 from somewhere to get started and you've researched it and know that, and you then get an MA from somewhere more prestigious and you've saved yourself huge amounts.

What concerns me is that she's not thought about it properly at all and doesn't have a clear plan or a clear reason to go to a less good uni and just wants to not cut the apron strings. That lack of taking even a small risk and/or planning properly would worry me.

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