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AIBU: To wish they would stop inviting themselves?

(34 Posts)
KrayKray00 Thu 25-May-17 14:58:39

This is quite outing I think so will try and keep it as vague as I can.

I live in a quiet road with more elderly people than families, but now the weather is nice all the children in the street play outside. I have three DC two primary age and one not at school.

Whenever I leave the house two of the DC who are related ask me where am I going and can they come, before I've even answered they have said their mom said they can. It doesn't matter if I am doing the school run or going shopping or poping to see family they invite themselves.

If I say no not today they say we'll can one of us come and then they start to argue. I have took them with me a number of times anyway to keep the peace but to them it is becoming a habit. As soon as they see me get in the car they will come running over.

It is nice sometimes as they keep my dc entertained but they have started to get a bit arsey with them, ignoring my dc when they ask a question or talking over them when I ask if they have had a nice day at school etc... they argue over who pushes the pushchair and they tut if I ask them to walk a bit faster somewhere.

One has ADHD and gets very loud and excitable. And this on top of my own three children (plus them two) can get a bit much. Especially when I am out wanting to do a simple task.

The other day I kept my children indoors as I was working from home. And the children asked if my dc could go out and play. I said no not today as I can't come outside. My dc are too young to go outside alone where as they are older and don't really need as much parental supervision.
They left but then played outside my house in full view of my dcs which was then winding them up.

Now this is the exciting part. About an hour later the mom knocked on my door and told me I am punishing her children by not letting mine come out. She didn't say it in an aggressive way but enough to piss me off, and done a little giggle at the end....

I said look I am working from home today and I need to get this done so it is easier for me that they play inside, she then said well can my two play too "it's only fair..." I said not today and shut the door

Now I find myself leaving for school earlier than needed and making sure I am able to run to my car in no time so they can't see me.

I don't want to fal out with them but I'm a bit pissed off with the comments she made and also they are not my responsibility.
I am quiet a private person as it is, I like my own space and don't want to be surrounded all the time, maybe that's my problem.

How would you deal with this?

Sorry it is so long! And there was me not wanting to out myself! blush

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 25-May-17 15:01:54

YANBU at all! They're not really either, but their DM is.

You've done the right thing starting to say no. There's no need for there to be falling out. But if she's going to be unreasonable when you're being more than fair she'll be the one causing an issue.

It's not a friendship if it's conditional on you doing whatever she wants.

HorridHenryrule Thu 25-May-17 15:18:13

She's using you and your children to keep her kids occupied.

AnnetteCurtains Thu 25-May-17 15:18:34

Man up for goodness sake
Say no and mean it

HorridHenryrule Thu 25-May-17 15:19:46

I am antisocial so they wouldn't get the chance to mug me off with their off spring.

KrayKray00 Thu 25-May-17 15:24:29

AnnetteCurtains

I do say no that's the point but it is becoming a daily thing. They have just asked me 10 minutes ago if they could come with me to do the school run and I said no and one then said well we will come round and play later to which I replied we won't be in.

They aren't bad children it's just I have enough sanity to deal with my own. I like the family but I don't appreciate her telling me I'm punishing her children. I don't want to fall out either as they play outside a lot more than mine do with the other children which I don't want turning against mine. It's just these two children in particular have took a shining to my kids over the others.

Kokusai Thu 25-May-17 15:26:00

"sorry darling, you can't come with me today. byeeee"

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 25-May-17 15:32:11

She was really out of line, I'd have been pissed off too.

If she does it again just reply "don't be so silly, you can see I'm busy working". Or "well it's not my children's job to entertain yours is it, kids, I'm sure your Mum can find you something fun to do" and then walk off or shut the door or whatever.

drinkingtea Thu 25-May-17 15:33:13

You have to be very blunt with people like that. Our neighbors are similar, and I've found the only answer is to be boarderline rude. Just say no, no explanation, no apology.

Our kids are the same age and the middle ones get on brilliantly but the girls, whilst friendly, are more long term acquaintances with nothing in common. Their mum endlessly tries to foist her DD on me and my dad - I just say nope, DD has no time. Her middle one is at mine all the time and is a lovely kid, my middle one and youngest love him.

I don't mind low maintenance kids in the house so I am happy if my kids want to play, but won't force them!

I actually get on well with the mum now I know how to handle her, and ensure she does her share of lifts and overnights, and say no when no is what I mean.

Don't take her kids out with you if your kids aren't initiating it though - that's mad! Don't babysit if it's not reciprocal, just let the kids play when it suits you.

I'm quite dragon like but kids don't stop coming round, they just know not to push me! grin

usershitloadofnumbers Thu 25-May-17 15:34:08

wow you are amazingly patient! It would drive me insane, so I wouldn't be able to put up with them at all. I don't mind taking my kids to school, even with their friends, but the neighbours sound a bit much.

You so not AIBU. Your neighbour is rude and ridiculous, her children are not your responsibility!

WankersHacksandThieves Thu 25-May-17 15:37:18

Why are they around if you are going to do the school run? Don't they go to school?

TheMysteriousJackelope Thu 25-May-17 15:41:23

YANBU.

There are two ways you can deal with this:
The first is to say 'no' every single time for several weeks to break them of the habit of assuming you can take them with you. Put a note on your front door 'Working, do not disturb, I am not answering the door this afternoon' and ignore any knocking and ringing of bells by the children or the mother.

The second is to tell them 'I can take you with me X, Y, and Z and my children can play with you at A, B, C every week' and then say 'no' or use the note for all other times.

If there is any argument, bickering, or not treating your children nicely, send them straight home, or take them home (which is annoying but may have to be done).

They need some clear guidance and boundaries for what your limits are and it doesn't sound like their mother is interested in helping them with this.

BloodWorries Thu 25-May-17 15:41:57

Why are these kids around at school run time? Aren't they in school too? If they are home ed then she bloody needs to step up and teach them (starting with manners) if they are out playing alone all day, annoying the neighbours.

I too think you need to start saying no. Don't do the whole, 'not today sweetheart' thing, they will just think you're saying you can tomorrow. Just plain 'no' will do. Or if you want to be nice (and they are just kids after all) then 'no, sweetheart' will do.

KrayKray00 Thu 25-May-17 15:50:14

They do go to school sorry I should of put that in my OP. They do not go to the same school as my dc and there is half an hour finishing time difference between the two schools. So they are already back home are changed by the time I am leaving to get mine. My dc are also a different gender to them so the toys we do have they aren't interested in. I also don't like my dc in the street or round their house alone because like I said mine are a lot younger.

WankersHacksandThieves Thu 25-May-17 15:51:41

I agree, saying "not today" leads to the expectation that it might be "yes" tomorrow.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Thu 25-May-17 15:53:24

How very annoying! After you explained that you were working at home and needed to get stuff done, she then asked if her kids could come and play at your house???! That's beyond annoying. Just downright rude!

No, U are not BU at all. You actually sound like you have the patience of a saint. Ask her why her kids are so bored they have to keep pestering you and yours!

sonjadog Thu 25-May-17 15:53:55

Just keep saying no. They´ll understand it eventually. At the moment they are used to you taking them so they don´t believe it when you say no. Ignore the mother. It isn´t your job to entertain her kids.

MacarenaFerreiro Thu 25-May-17 15:55:40

You are a mug! You need to learn to say NO and mean it. If they kick off that's not your problem. Not your job to "keep the peavce".

Waltermittythesequel Thu 25-May-17 16:00:38

What age gap are we talking here? The whole thing sounds infuriating!

I have this, too. Two dc next door the same age as my two eldest. They get on great. Are old enough to play out but every single day they ask to come in.

Sometimes I let them, sometimes I don't. It doesn't bother me because I don't see them but at the same time, it's not reciprocal and I don't want it becoming the norm.

gleam Thu 25-May-17 16:06:27

You need to cultivate a Resting Bitch Face.

EweAreHere Thu 25-May-17 16:07:31

To the mother: "Entertain your own children." Shut door. Repeat as necessary.

To the children: "You'll have to ask your mother to take you out if you want to go out. Sorry." or "You'll have to play on your own. Sorry."

diddl Thu 25-May-17 16:08:15

I don't get how you even started to entertain the idea of taking one or both-let alone doing it!

Baby plus two kids to fetch-that's enough imo.

They sound as entitled as their mother!

Are you the only one who has got sucked in??

expatinscotland Thu 25-May-17 16:12:22

You just say, 'No.' As for the mother telling you that you were punishing her children, you have to be blunt, 'I have work to do and this is how I need to do it. Excuse me, I need to go.'

Yvetteballs Thu 25-May-17 16:15:01

I think I'd be tempted to move house. I couldn't bear that situation.

NellieFiveBellies Thu 25-May-17 16:15:38

ive had that before
"my mum says i can"

my reply?
that is not your mum's decision. it is mine. go home.

you really need to get to that point.

these kids are not in charge and neither is their mother.

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