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To be pissed off with narcissistic mother?

(14 Posts)
FatFacedDog Thu 25-May-17 13:18:21

Ongoing issue.

My mum had a 2nd child with her now husband 14 years after I was born - due to age gap and various other things (like the fact that I was blatantly not wanted as soon as she was born - overheard mother saying to her husband that their lives would be perfect if it was just those two and their DD!) we've never been close.

I have tried to be the bigger person though, when she was bullied at school I tried to help, when they suspected she had aspergers, I ran around finding info etc to point them in right direction of help, when she struggled to find work I tried to help - I've always done my best.

Current situation is she's now 22 and they treat her like a baby. The examples are too ridiculous to even put down on here. This past year she's been out of work for 7 months and my mum is constantly on the phone to me saying they can't cope with her etc - I've offered advice, sent her interview questions and answers, physically job searched for her but the situation goes on and little of my advice has actually been taken. Anyway, in my eyes, she's an adult now and having the rest of the family running around trying to help her into work is just getting a bit ridiculous and tedious. The rest of us had to manage, I certainly did since I was thrown out at 16!!!!

Anyway it was her birthday two days ago so I obviously sent her a card. Today I called my mum (as normal, she never rings me) and received a very frosty reception. I asked what was wrong and she said "nothing". However there clearly was something and she obviously had a face on with me. To cut long story short, the only possible thing I can think of is that I didn't put any money on sisters card. Reason being, we don't give money to adults for birthdays now but she knew that. However, she seems to think of it as my sister is a child (at 22!). My sister didn't even get me a card for my birthday, never mind a gift.

I really am sick of the constant mood swings and narcissistic behaviour I've had to put up with for years. I've done nothing but try to help them, despite everything and now I'm actually quite fucked off. My mum never bothers to buy my step kids cards, barely bothers with DH but expects the world and everyone in it to revolve around my sister.

AIBU to be really fucked off this time? The past year I've really gone out of my way to help her and my sister despite working full time and having two kids of my own and then I receive this attitude over the lack of money in an adults birthday card when I didn't even get a fucking card from her?!

HeyHoThereYouGo657 Thu 25-May-17 13:22:21

Judging by that I would say YANBU at all .

mlh123 Thu 25-May-17 13:46:04

YANBU! Sorry, but your mum sounds horrible. You deserve so much better..please don't question yourself.

FatFacedDog Thu 25-May-17 14:59:22

Thanks, I just get what her problem is, I really don't.

EatTheChocolateTeapot Thu 25-May-17 15:14:38

Hear hear, it's tough but you need to disengage and stop waiting for your mum's approval. The problem comes from her not you.
It is great to help your sister if you can but do it for her not for your mum.

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher Thu 25-May-17 15:19:44

Op you have done your best and now it's time to concentrate on yourself and your own little family.

You let your dm sort out the spooky mess she made of your sister and detatch.

If she mentions the card just say 'well no one gave me birthday money as I a mother an adult just like dsis is'

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher Thu 25-May-17 15:20:12

Spoilt not spooky

Imaginosity Thu 25-May-17 15:34:50

Was your sister diagnosed with aspergers? It might explain the level of involvement your mother still has. My DS has aspergers and I fully expect I will need to help him to manage even in his 20s.

You can only control how you react - you can't change your mother. Let it wash over you, ignore it. I know it's hard as I get passive aggressive texts from my mother all the time and instructions as to how I should live my life. Drives me mad but now I just don't respond at all to it. Don't give her the satisfaction.

ThePants999 Thu 25-May-17 20:56:58

So your mum kicked you out at 16, admitted that she'd rather you didn't exist, and never calls. Why, exactly, are you attempting to maintain a relationship?

Softkitty2 Thu 25-May-17 21:05:21

Tell her how you feel and do not sugarcoat it and then stop contact

YouTheCat Thu 25-May-17 21:14:05

Even if she does have Aspergers (and I speak as the mother of a 22 year old dd who does), she needs to learn to do things for herself. Some things will take her longer. Sometimes she might need some support, be it practical or emotional. At other times she might just need to get stuck in.

OP, you've done enough.

FrankiesKnuckle Thu 25-May-17 21:29:27

Not U at all. I'm pretty much in the same boat, although it runs far deeper.
Embrace your children and be sure to not end up like her.

PopcornBits Thu 25-May-17 21:32:24

Well I think it's pretty clear you should of stopped helping a long time ago.

IJustLostTheGame Thu 25-May-17 21:47:08

Stop bothering.
It's easier said than done.
You've tried.
It's not you, it's them.
flowers

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