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To half-contemplate leaving and save everyone the bother?

(32 Posts)
andancforthis Thu 25-May-17 13:02:53

DH has a female friend who he knows I disapprove of, and has become ever closer with over years since discovering this.

When there is a serious emotional situation DH turns to that friend and shuts me out. It makes me feel jealous and sick but I guess I can't morally protest now can I.

We haven't had sex except when TTC for 12 years (since friendship started more or less). No idea whether there is a physical affair with her but the closeness with her + the distance from me is enough that I am just nothing, nobody anyway. I go out of my way to never express jealousy, so beyond my initial expression of disapproval (which was ignored) there is no friction from me on this.

OK, so it's my bloody problem, I love DH and he's entitled to be close to who he wants to so I can probably deal with this forever, right, and grow up? Well I would agree, but here's the thing that really made me think:

Visiting (close) elderly relatives because one of them was ill I discovered a similar situation, just the other way around has been going on between them their whole lives.

This came out because when I went to visit her in hospital this man I have never met was sat there instead of her husband, then her husband walked in and sat (in the most distant seat) and the look on his face was sad, like he was being quietly, resignedly tortured. I asked him after we left and it all came out, he nearly cried and told me this contributed to his several mental breakdowns, he has never felt sure his children are his own and so on, but he loves her and marriage is forever, and he has felt tortured for many decades, lived a lie of being friendly and unconcerned, and simultaneously felt like a terrible person for it the whole time.

I went back later to speak to her, asked about and got an explanation from her which was basically that she wishes she had married the OM years ago.

I am hopefully not got MH issues and can bury this more easily but I recognized his feelings, and it was a scary thing to imagine a lifetime of this stretched out before me and to hear that it was all a total, empty, waste of time, a shell of a marriage and a waste of 3 lives.

It's not me, and we have DC and DH probably couldn't get rid of me with tactical nukes if I haven't been driven away before now so I probably will never leave, but AIBU to keep thinking in moments "fuck it, I'm going to get in the car, and drive and drive somewhere, get a new job, new house, kids in a new school, free him, free me, free him from me and find love and happiness instead of spending the rest of our lives mired in bullshit"

I guess I am BU, but ffs I want to be happy and not feel like crap, and I certainly don't want to end up 80 years old having suffered all the way with a spouse who resents me for it.

I suppose it's just a whim. Still, somewhere sunny would be nice...

andancforthis Thu 25-May-17 13:04:21

*asked about who the man was

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 25-May-17 13:07:42

In your desperation to not be a jealous dw you have effectively given her your place in his life (and bed I would imagine).
Their relationship sounds a 1000 better than your marriage. .
So do all a favour and be the one to walk away. . . That way you can guarantee yourself a happier life. . Coz he doesn't give a fuck that you haven't got one at all.

HateSummer Thu 25-May-17 13:10:35

Have some self respect and leave. You deserve better and are entitled to a better life.

Birdsgottaf1y Thu 25-May-17 13:10:57

Don't just walk away, have the reaction that you should have done at the start and make land to separate.

You do all deserve happiness, but don't end things without getting what you need and deserve.

SquinkiesRule Thu 25-May-17 13:11:46

Do it. He sounds horrible.
What a sad marriage that elderly relative has had. I bet he wishes he'd left when he was younger too.

KnobJockey Thu 25-May-17 13:12:30

How sad for your relatives- nobody is happy in that situation.

Have you told your DH any of how you feel? I understand where you're coming from, I would also feel tempted to walk away. But it's got to be worth trying to talk to him about it first?

In what way do they exclude you?

Domino20 Thu 25-May-17 13:12:38

Wow, that sounds awful. Please move on to find yourself some happiness x

Jupitar Thu 25-May-17 13:13:31

You'll never find happiness if you stay with him, but you will be happier without him. It took me a long time to get over my ex but I got there in the end and wouldn't have him back now if you paid me.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Thu 25-May-17 13:17:19

YABU to half contemplate it - you should wholely contemplate it and do it. Life is too short, your marriage sounds like a complete sham, and you are enabling his behaviour by letting yourself be pushed to the side lines. Leave him and start living a full and happy life.

peachgreen Thu 25-May-17 13:18:26

Your husband has been having an emotional (and probably physical) affair for TWELVE YEARS and you're still there?!

1. Leave.
2. Never settle for anything so lacking ever again.
3. Get some counselling to help you understand the difference between not being "a jealous wife" and letting someone walk all over you.

His friendship with this woman is completely inappropriate, you have EVERY right to protest and your husband really isn't entitled to be close to whoever he wants to, certainly not in this way. He is disrespecting you, he is not honouring his marriage vows and he's making a mockery of your life together. If this continues you will be miserable for the rest of your life because you are putting all your love and emotional energy into someone who is giving you NOTHING back.

There's no prizes for that kind of martyrdom, OP. You deserve so much more.

"I'm going to get a new job, new house, kids in a new school, free him, free me, free him from me and find love and happiness instead of spending the rest of our lives mired in bullshit."

Read that, read it again, read it a third time. Make it your mantra. And then DO IT.

andancforthis Thu 25-May-17 13:23:43

He's a wonderful father and a passably friendly husband who cares about me in his way, so apart from how I feel inside we have a happy home - so I suppose I'm probably not ever going to smash everything to bits to make myself happy.

I'm not ever going to be the suicide type, and an affair, however tempting it gets sometimes, is not something I'm going to do (not judging anyone else, this is a very personal thing it would feel like I let him break who I am if I did).

So I guess I'm left in limbo then.

andancforthis Thu 25-May-17 13:27:20

Read that, read it again, read it a third time. Make it your mantra. And then DO IT.

Hm. I can feel these words ringing in my ears already. Maybe I should.

The thing that scares me is the price DCs would pay.

lalalalyra Thu 25-May-17 13:27:49

He can be a wonderful father and a passably friendly co-parent without you sacraficing your happiness.

Don't live your life in limbo. You only get one chance and you deserve to be as happy as he is.

Also, don't fool yourself into thinking your children won't realise. Kids are perseptive. If Dad does much more fun things with Susan than he does with Mum then one day everything will fall into place. Splitting up won't make him unhappy, it won't make your kids unhappy long term and it will make you happier.

DeadGood Thu 25-May-17 13:27:58

Why are you speaking as though leaving is nothing more than a pipe dream?

It's really not that complicated. Speak to your husband. Find out what is going on. And if it's not to your liking, leave.

Or, ignore the "talk to him" part and just leave anyway.

It will take courage and effort but it's by no means impossible. Do you live in an area where divorce is not really "done"?

INXS Thu 25-May-17 13:30:04

Whoa, the best thing you can say about him is that he's "passably friendly"?

Passably friendly?

RhiWrites Thu 25-May-17 13:34:47

You've never said anything besides a mild initial disapproval? And yet you're heart sire enough you think of leaving?

Bloody TELL HIM! Tell him everything you're feeling. What if this is a huge misunderstanding and he goes to her for support because he thinks you don't care?

Tell him. And then relationship counselling.

expatinscotland Thu 25-May-17 13:38:52

Kick him out. Don't leave, just tell him you're sick of putting up with his affair and tell him to go to hers or hell or whatever.

RandomMess Thu 25-May-17 13:38:57

So when the DC leave home?

juniorcakeoff Thu 25-May-17 13:39:10

Any idea why you stop having a sexual relationship? Was it his decision, yours or both?

Also - would you like your children to live like you are doing now? Because that is the view of adult relationships you are modelling - that adults live with someone and are married to someone who doesn't love them, lies to them, but is 'passably friendly'.

issynoho Thu 25-May-17 13:43:40

The price your DC would pay for you separating? What about the cost to them of watching their mum suffering emotional pain in a very unhealthy relationship? Speak up! Show your DC how to speak up!

You are worth so much more than this. Set an example for your DC of how to value yourself.

I speak as someone who recently left a relationship for much less than you are enduring. Children are resilient. How you handle it is important but ultimately you would be doing a wonderful thing you you and them. flowers

issynoho Thu 25-May-17 13:44:31

Thing for you and them

issynoho Thu 25-May-17 13:44:31

Thing for you and them

BloodWorries Thu 25-May-17 13:55:07

I've never understood 'staying together for the children'. My parents did this (and still bloody are, 'staying together for the family' shit) and are both miserable. As far back as I can remember they both have been.

From the outside everyone thinks their great. And there aren't things that I can pin point. But it's left us kids a mess. Jealous, but wanting to hide it, searching elsewhere whilst in a relationship, accepting other things in the relationship that many wouldn't. The list goes on. Luckily for me, my DP is great. Never abusive, does really well keeping calm, supportive, great family backing him. My siblings haven't fared as well.

The main thing to ask yourself, is this the life you want for your kids? Do you want your kids, who you are making yourself unhappy (if not miserable) for to do the same, because this is their norm?

WorshipTheGourd Thu 25-May-17 13:55:11

OP you have to talk to him, or it will be you sitting by the hospital bed in 20/30 years sad

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