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Pushy MIL

(17 Posts)
DonaldTrumpsTrump Wed 24-May-17 22:19:52

My in laws take my kids to school on the days I am in work and I am getting fed up with my pushy MIL telling me what I should be doing on 'my' days to take the kids. For example she just popped in to give me their uniform for tomorrow despite me telling her I have uniform here. She forgot to bring their bags round and I remembered that the Cath Kidston bag I normally give my DD to take in is at their house so I asked her to bring it round. MIL says DD cannot fit in her drink into the CK bag, so I tell her that I have little bottles she can use so that's not a problem. MIL's reply - she likes the drink I give her (a 500ml bottle which is not necessary when she's only in nursery 2.5 hrs per day and normally only has a little drink from the bottle when she gets in the car after nursery), so I put my foot down and said no I'm taking the CK bag and to bring it round please.

Then she insists on giving me their hats (that IL's have bought, despite there being many hats here for them which rarely get worn). When it's cold MIL insists I use coats that they've also bought. It feels as if the clothes, hats, coats etc that I have bought simply cannot be worn as everything they wear to school 'must' be what they have bought them, or so it seems.

AIBU to get annoyed at this and should put my foot down more or should I just suck it up and appreciate that they take them to school and look after them for me and OH when we're working? Both me and OH leave the house at 6:30am so the kids sleep round there the nights before I work and there's no way we can sort them for school when we start work at those times, just wanted to say that before anyone mentions breakfast club etc.

They're great in laws in general and I get on well with them but MIL has always been the pushy type and as I'm not confrontational I tend to let things go but this is pissing me off!

Thanks for reading.

dinosaursandtea Wed 24-May-17 22:22:16

Oh god, YANBU. They're your kids!

FizzyGreenWater Wed 24-May-17 22:26:41

Hmm, but they don't just take them to school, do they?

It sounds as if on at least two nights of the week, they're having them for at least part of the evening, doing bedtime and teeth and stories, then getting them up and breakfast and ready and making lunches and taking them to school... a fair bit of 'parenting', really. No wonder the boundaries are starting to blur. With a pushy MIL, I'm surprised there's is a boundary left- she basically has enough time where she really is in charge to feel she gets a say, has her own routine.

I don't know what to suggest because I would HATE this - is a job change an option? This isn't a good situation and I don't see how you're going to resolve it without depositing her firmly back into the granny role.

Pumpkintopf Wed 24-May-17 22:29:59

Just be grateful for all the free childcare you're getting and don't sweat the small stuff. Does it really matter which bag they use for nursery, is it worth falling out over, compared to your ILs having your children to sleep over AND doing the school run several times a week??

ElleDubloo Wed 24-May-17 22:32:55

Your MIL is annoying, and I'd be extremely pissed off too. But for you, the decision is whether you want the free childcare or not. Can you afford to offend her?

Highalert Wed 24-May-17 22:37:26

Yabu.You expect your mil to have your children overnight and take them to school but do everything your way

Either look after them yourself or pay for a nanny.

harderandharder2breathe Wed 24-May-17 22:43:55

For that amount of free childcare I think you need to not sweat the small stuff like what bag or hat they use. It sounds like she's trying to be helpful, and she's doing a lot of day to daybparenting of your children really so easy to see why boundaries are blurred.

On the days you have them, why do you have to listen to her? Do your own thing.

Is it possible to change yours or DHs shifts so you're not both doing the same mornings?

Siwdmae Wed 24-May-17 22:54:39

Just tell her no to anything you are not happy about, simple. Your kids, your rules.

DonaldTrumpsTrump Wed 24-May-17 22:57:30

I'm on the cusp of being a newly qualified nurse so at the moment there are no real jobs that are 9-5 type times for a NQ so that's a no go for at least a couple of years.

Thing is, I've got no problem then having 'her' stuff on on the days IL's take them to school but don't see why then I cannot be allowed to put 'my' stuff on them when I take them to school.

I think a lot of it is the fact that when I was younger my parents didn't have money to buy me nice stuff so I make a point of buying my kids nice branded clothes such as Converse, Adidas etc because I felt I missed out when I was younger (I had two stripe joggers when other girls had three stripe adidas ones and I got made fun of, so when these clothes are not getting worn and I'm paying good money for them, that gets on my nerves.

I think it seems I am BU from the replies on here so I'll let it go over my head from now on.

Pumpkintopf Wed 24-May-17 23:00:13

Op I understand but can you not explain that gently to your ILs the same as you have in your last post? It doesn't have to be in a confrontational way as you mentioned 'putting your foot down ' in your first post, does it? You could speak about how very grateful you are to them but it seems a waste of money buying lovely clothes that then don't get worn.

twistyturnythings Wed 24-May-17 23:18:48

YANBU. I don't want to get all "ur bbz ur rulz hun" but yes, your MIL sounds as if she's trying to tell you she knows better than you. I don't agree with folk who seem to think being grateful for childcare equates to tolerating folk assuming they know better than you, and what's worse, telling you that their way is best.

DonaldTrumpsTrump Thu 25-May-17 00:16:52

It's not that I'm not grateful at all because I am and I wouldn't have been able to do my nurse training full time for the last three years without their help, but I do let a lot of things go as if is so I don't want people thinking I'm in a huff over something this trivial.

I bought sized Clarks shoes for my DS for the start of year 1 in September and they got 'scuffed' according to MIL so she got him Tesco shoes without telling me and started putting them on him. When I asked for the Clarks back so that I could put them on him when I take him to school she claimed that they were not in their house and they must simply be in my house - they most definitely are not.

I have mentioned to her before that I want the kids to have naice clothes where possible but they have totally different taste to me, are very old fashioned and seem to make a point of buying cheap clothes to contrast what I want.

They buy some (not all I must stress) ugly stuff for the kids which I really do not want them wearing like old fashioned grandpa cardigans and the karrimor trainers she got DS for PE days in school - they were ugly brown and looked like mini walking boots - and she shunned the nice Adidas shoes I got him especially for PE.

Sorry I will stop moaning now! When I'm qualified I will be working more nights and weekends so will be home more to take the kids to school and do more things 'my way'!

user1491572121 Thu 25-May-17 00:28:24

I couldn't deal with this. Get a child minder! I'd stop buying expensive clothes for the DC so I could afford some childcare that wasn't MIL!

TalkinBoutNuthin Thu 25-May-17 00:31:46

I don't think you should have to suck it up at all! It's not as though you're being dictatorial and making your MIL do absolutely everything your way. Yet she thinks she can do that to you!

I'd start letting your DC have some 'painting accidents' in the clothes they have bought which you don't like to be honest!

TalkinBoutNuthin Thu 25-May-17 00:32:36

Do you have room in the house for an au pair?

Coastalcommand Thu 25-May-17 00:38:02

YABU. If they spend that much time looking after your kids (presumably for free) they will get invested. If you don't want that, don't ask for their help.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp Thu 25-May-17 01:01:03

Errrr.....you're NOT being unreasonable for feeling like you'r MIL is being pushy - SHE IS!!!!!

She's undermining your role as the PARENT - and that, dear OP, is not acceptable.
She pushy, passive aggressive and actually behaving like a bully.

YOU should be in charge of what your dd wears when she leaves your house. Your good nature is being taken advantage of and you are being undermined.

From your response, I can see why it's so easy for MIL to push you around if you just 'accept' other people's perspectives regardless of your own needs/feelings hmm

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