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Me and dp have had a huge fight and I'm just so tired

(43 Posts)
Bigblug Wed 24-May-17 22:11:54

It's the same old recycled arguments that happen all the time but nothing ever changes. We're in a deadlock of who's the worst person and deflection, of not listening to each other's point of views.

One of my issue when we argue is that he takes a very 'do as I say not as I do' attitude but doesn't see it that way. For example, sometimes I'll forget to clean the hairs out of the bath when I've shaved. Would drive most people to despair admittedly. But then I'll say yes but everytime you have a shit you leave skid marks in the toilet. But, because he could slip and die in the shower the next day, and no one has ever died from a skidmark, it makes my point utterly invalid and it's just a deflection from the issue. This is just one example of many.
I often say things in the heat of the argument that i regret later on. I can be disgusting in an argument. But he will just make up lies to add to his arguments but somehow that doesn't make them invalid.

I don't really know what the point of this post is really. can know if aibu or not because I'm sure he would tell a different story altogether. I'm no angel, at all. I'm messy, I'm bad with money, and I say things I don't mean. But it's so emotionally exhausting that I'm constantly berated like a child, and have to strive to be a better person, and it's met with incredulity and absolutely no humbleness from his end.

MorrisZapp Wed 24-May-17 22:13:43

How often do you argue? Do you have kids?

Bigblug Wed 24-May-17 22:26:47

We bicker often, not usually over anything serious. But when we argue, we really argue. We have kids, but we try really hard not to fight in front of them. And I think that's why nothing real and productive ever gets said, because we'll have a huge fight when we're both tired and stressed anyway.

Eolian Wed 24-May-17 22:35:02

Sounds very childish. You either need to both accept that everyone has their faults and that you both owe it to each other to try not to do the things that really annoy the other person, but also not to massively overreact about pretty minor faults... or you need to accept that you are not capable of dealing with this like adults and split up rather than inflict the bickering and inevitable bad atmosphere on each other and the dc. I just don't do bickering and could not put up with being in such an argumentative relationship.

Gildolann Wed 24-May-17 22:36:23

You both sound a bit grotty hmm

caffeinestream Wed 24-May-17 22:39:03

Skidmarks in the toilet and hair in the bath? [vom emoticon]

On a more serious note, what's the point in being with someone who you bicker with all the time?

Pallisers Wed 24-May-17 22:46:42

you both sound like you pounce on everything the other does and view it in the worst light "hair in the bath - she is ignoring me again" and trying to change the other one's behaviour rather than your own.

Your relationship will not work like that. You have to try to reset it so that you are each presuming the best of the other and focusing on your own stuff.

Could you sit down with him and ask him to agree to take a few weeks where neither of you get too bothered by the other one's stuff but each of you try to be considerate of the other. And also each of you don't leap to conclusions if something goes wrong but gives the other the benefit of the doubt.

And you have to stop with the awful arguments. There are rules to arguing and saying awful things and lying aren't on.

I don't know if your relationship can be saved but the 2 of you need to agree to inject a bit of kindness into it immediately. If he won't even agree to that but says "but you are so xyz and it is all your fault" then I don't know if it is worth it.

Mermaidinthesea123 Wed 24-May-17 22:51:06

These kind of recycled arguments eventually lead to break up. Either break up or break the cycle.
I should know.

ballerinabelle Wed 24-May-17 22:53:41

FFS...vom emoticon? It's a skidmark and they're pretty common as is hair in the bath. Why are mumsnetters so over the top about pretty run of the mill things? confused

OP my DH and I could be the same sometimes if it's been a long day. Nowadays I just walk away from the argument and make it clear I'm not participating. My DH is a bit like you describe yourself and says things that are ridiculous and he regrets them later. Easier to pick your battles and just walk away. Nobody's perfect (apart from some Mumsnetters wink) and arguments will happen but do your best to minimise the pointless ones

Bigblug Wed 24-May-17 23:09:17

In my defence about the bath hairs, I quite often have a bath at night before bedtime as it's the only time I get to hop in by myself, as kids and razors obviously don't mix well. I then get dried and dressed in my bedroom, and don't revisit the bathroom except to put my towels on the drier and just forget to look in the bath. It's bad I know, but I'm only human.
There's alot of negativity and you're right, we do need to inject some kindness and understanding. We're both a stressed out young couple, trying to juggle kids, university, work and money issues and it's hard to see past it. I'm going to sit down with him tomorrow with these suggestions, Thank you

Bigblug Wed 24-May-17 23:10:23

And I clean the toilets daily, not just because of the skid marks. We're not grotty honest smile

MsGameandWatch Wed 24-May-17 23:12:54

This argument pattern usually means that there's not really much to save. I do think some couples just grow out of each other but don't think that's enough to split up over (it is) so end up making each other unhappy for years longer than they need to.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Wed 24-May-17 23:18:03

Agree that for 1 day neither of you are allowed to criticise the other. See how you get on. It can be quite an education into how your communication habits have become toxic.
DH and I fell into this pattern at one point because we were both knackered and finding life tough so felt every little failure by one partner was yet another burden that had to be picked up by the other one.

FlapAttack88 Wed 24-May-17 23:35:49

I hope to god you don't use the loo brush to clean the skid marks away... that s a whole new thread! I am still reeling from that thread where I realised I have been doing things wrong my whole life

Whisky2014 Wed 24-May-17 23:41:37

Emmm can I just point out you don't slip in the bath or shower because there's hair in it!

Bigblug Wed 24-May-17 23:46:04

flap wait.. what?

blackteasplease Wed 24-May-17 23:48:44

Yes, why would hairs in the bath kill anyone or cause them to slip?

FlossyMooToo Wed 24-May-17 23:52:17

I left hairs in the bath last night.
Same reason as you. Bath draining I went in to the bedroom to dry my hair and did not go back in to the bathroom.
Later went to the loo remembered I had fogotten to rinse the bath but it was clean.

DP had done it. Never said a word.
I apoligised. He said dont be daft its no matter.

Your DP is an arsehole.

FlapAttack88 Wed 24-May-17 23:52:19

Apparently loo brushes are NOT for skid mark removal ! In fact loo brushes are the work.of the devil.

I still use them ... dont tell anyone. . I will deny it vehemently

FlapAttack88 Wed 24-May-17 23:55:50

And about your post ... me and DH are like that when we are tired. Much less so noe than in the first few years of living together.

Found thay counter arguments are best avoided and so if dh moans about me leaving my plates and cups everywhere I will just be .. oh shit sorry m8

And when he leaves all the knice facing upwards in the drying rack and His shoe right in the dooway and I yell at him he wI'll be like ... oh shit sorry m8

We both know our flaws and try no to do them as annoys the other one but don't kill each other aboit slipping up here and there all the time haha

pinkyredrose Wed 24-May-17 23:56:28

What's the deal with loo brushes?!

Plumkettle Wed 24-May-17 23:59:44

What are loo brushes for if not to clean and get rid of, erm, debris then? confused

FlossyMooToo Thu 25-May-17 00:07:01

Plum MN rules state loo brushes are the work of the devil and are germ homes. If you have one you are scum.
Instead marigolds and zaflora if you are too poor fir the cleaner to do it.

FlapAttack88 Thu 25-May-17 00:08:03

corythatwas Thu 25-May-17 00:14:38

I think it would help a lot if you could both make an effort to avoid counter-arguments. All they say is "I will not be criticised, I am not prepared to listen to your complaints or change what I do in any way". Which really doesn't make the other part feel any friendlier towards you.

"oh shit sorry m8", as suggested by Flapjack, is the perfect response (not least of course to the skidmarks). It says that you are listening to what he is saying rather than busy trying to think up a reason why he is in the wrong. It suggests that you are sorry and might be willing to make an effort to change. It's friendly.

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