WIBU to give 1 child more money for uni than the other?

[ThePurpleStar15]

I have 2 DDs. One is in London and in her final year. We have covered her accommodation costs (after the bursary amount was deducted) and cover all costs WRT her food shopping and also occasionally brought her clothes, etc. she doesn't have a job and never has had one. She is doing adult nursing though and it has been very demanding.

DD2 is going off to uni in September but to a local uni so she won't move out to do biomedical science. We will still cover all her food costs at home and pay for occasional clothes/treats. She works part time in Sainsbury's.

This is fair isn't it? DH has said the money we have spent on DD1's accommodation should be given to DD to pay for some of her student debt. I disagree as we are paying for all water/electric bills at home so similar to her accommodation??

[AyeAmarok]

Christ no, don't even it up.

Being fair doesn't always mean being equal.

[AyeAmarok]

Maybe a bit of extra pocket money to enable her to get taxis into town to go out with her friends, so she doesn't miss out by living at home.

But part-paying off her debt won't really help her.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

You supply housing, shopping and occasional treats. Equality. Just not in terms of money spent.

[ThePurpleStar15]

To be fair to DD2 she has said how nice we are being to her, so it isn't her moaning or anything. As DH said it, it did make me wonder.

[Mothervulva]

No I wouldn't say so. It's for their education and they are old enough not to lay claim to 'half the sweets'.

My parents paid far more for my brother and sister to go to uni as fees were only a grand when I went and rent was dirt cheap. Didn't occur to me to ask for more money.

[witsender]

I would bear it in mind in later years. One has chosen an expensive path that doesn't allow jobs and one has done the opposite.

[Out2pasture]

Our 3 went to three different uni's. The total costs of each was different but our support and encouragement was the same.

[Kokusai]

The total costs of each was different but our support and encouragement was the same.

This.

My sister did 6 years in London. I did 3 in a northern city. I wouldn't have expected to have been given a lump sum to even it up financially!

[FizzyGreenWater]

No, fair - not equal.

Agree with the poster who suggested some extra money to facilitate getting away from home life a bit more, which is what your DD1 has had the opportunity to do. Perhaps even a bit of travel.

[Sionella]

She chose a local uni. You are giving each of them the chance to have a degree - that's enough!

My DBs and I went to very different places. My parents were scrupulously fair, and even they didn't even it up with cash. If we had all chosen London, we would have cost the same. We had a free choice - we didn't!

Adult nursing and biomedical science both sound really tough - you must be very proud of them

[Okite]

No, what you're doing sounds completely fair, you are covering/providing accommodation, food and some treats to both.

[AndHoldTheBun]

Fair doesn't mean equal in this case. We have 3 dc at 3 different unis in different cities (London, Edinburgh and home town).
Each gets what they NEED which means the dc in London gets a huge amount more than the one at home, and about double what the one in Edinburgh gets (there are particular relevant circumstances why, not just the cost of living in London). Each has the same standard of living tho.

[user1andonly]

I think your husbands suggestion would be unfair on DD1. They would get the same amount of money but hers had to be spent on accomodation which her sister gets for free by living at home.

Your way sounds fair to both.

[BarbaraofSeville]

You are still supplying DD2s accomodation. Despite what a lot of people on here say, a lot of people ask/need adult offspring to pay board while living at home past 18. You are letting her live in the family home for free, which does have a cost.

It sounds like you are relatively well off, but people on lower incomes in your situation, assuming these are your only DCs, might now need to downsize, be facing the loss of tax credits, or be looking to take in a lodger to make ends meet.

I wouldn't get involved in paying her student debt off either. Let her deal with it as it arises. Many people will have a lot of student debt written off, so paying it off can be money down the drain. Better to help her with a house deposit if appropriate. Another way to 'even it up a bit' with DD2 compared to DD1 is related to driving and cars. I assume that, living in London, DD1 doesn't have a car? If you end up paying insurance for DD2, that's money she's had that DD1 won't have.

[booksandchoc]

I would say it's fair, you've supported both of them. However, biomed is a hard course and full on as well, if she choose to give up her job would you step up the support?

[IheartDodo]

You could ask them noth how they feel about it?
My parents give me, my DB and Dsis some money every year for a certain thing (don't want to be too specific), but when my brother kind of "broke the conditions" in a way, they just asked me and Dsis, and we said "no it's fine let him have it!".

[IheartDodo]

• both not noth grr

[Anaconda33]

My older sister got a grant (nursing, back in the day) and my parents helped her out more when she graduated - gave her £1000 towards her flat, car etc. I did 4 years at Uni (no grant) my little sister did 6 (medic). We would have all got if you tot it up varying cash support but doesn't;t bother any of us. principles were the same - we got the same support (living costs covered and budget for food)

[usershitloadofnumbers]

It sounds fair.

I wouldn't treat them differently when they have a job though, it's not fair and the best way to split a family by giving more money to one than the other because they have different incomes.

[ThePurpleStar15]

Thanks everyone! Really helpful. DD1 doesn't have a car, but DD2 does, but she brought that herself and covers insurance and driving lessons were for her 17th...

We are comfy with money as DH and I have both relatively recently lost our mums. We definitely want to help as much as we can!

Yes, very proud 

@booksandchoc her job money goes in the bank anyway, in all fairness as we do cover pretty much the cost of most things, so if she did decide to leave, she wouldn't need extra money

[Floralnomad]

I've never even tried to even up what my 2 get , I don't even price match at Christmas and birthdays they are very different people and are treated as total individuals , although fairly IMO .

[RupertsMum2]

Will she have transport costs to and from uni. If so perhaps you could help with those or even pay for driving lessons for her as a nice gesture however I don't think you really need to even things up financially.

[RupertsMum2]

X-post!

[HotelEuphoria]

You are absolutely spot on OP.

At least this was EXACTLY what I did. DS did a standard uni course, his loan covered rent and we paid for food, phone, books etc he worked at Tesco for his social life.

DD does a HC course too, gets less money, the accommodation is more expensive and she is on placement all the time so cant work as well.

She costs us more. He already has a higher paid job then she will likely have. He has a higher loan.

I think we have been very fair.

[workingmumsarebad]

How much would DD2s costs be if she lived out in your home town. ie, if she was at uni in another local city. That is effectively what you are contributing to her in a non financial way

It will give you an idea of how much "extra" you could give her.

I would also recognise that DD2 does work, and DD1 does not. The argument adult nursing is a hard course, would not stop her picking up a shift per week as a care assistant to supplement her income aswell. My best friend did one -2 shifts per week depending on her timetable, throughout her medical degree. Gave her about £80 per week, her parents were not earning a lot and gave what they could.She graduated with prizes!