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To not have children because of our dead parents?

(451 Posts)
malfish11 Wed 24-May-17 13:43:37

DH (recently got married) doesn't have any parents, they both died when he was 17.

My mum is dead and my dad has nothing to do with us really.

All I hear from people is that when you have children you need support. so is it unreasonable NOT to have children as we just won't have this and DH is out of the house 14 hours at a time when at work.

Creampastry Wed 24-May-17 13:45:37

I have had two kids close together with no support. No one to babysit, dh doing long hours, no home help. Lots of people don't get support. Most people just get on with it.

SaltyMyDear Wed 24-May-17 13:45:58

Yes, YABU.

Don't have kids if you don't want them. But 'no support' is not a good reason to not have them.

You don't NEED support. It's a nice to have. A luxury. Not a necessity.

However if you don't want kids, don't have them .....

TwitterQueen1 Wed 24-May-17 13:46:11

What a strange question.... whether or not you have parents is totally irrelevant. Support networks come in many shapes and sizes - usually other parents with DCs of a similar age.

Do you want children? Sounds to me as if you're looking for an excuse not to have them. No excuses necessary btw.

BaronessBomburst Wed 24-May-17 13:46:48

That's a daft reason.
I don't have any support because I live too far away.
Some people live near family but the family don't want to help.
You'd manage.

ElspethFlashman Wed 24-May-17 13:46:59

You never need a reason to not have kids.

If you don't want them, don't have them!

But you can buy support. I have none. 3 out of 4 grandparents dead and the remaining one 150km away. We spend a lot of our income on childcare. Even when I was onat leave I kept it up for the first kid.

When you have no support, if you can afford it, you buy it. If you can't afford it, then you would be asking family to do it for free which is controversial in itself and not something I personally would ever have been comfortable with anyway.

buntingqueen Wed 24-May-17 13:47:15

I feel you decide that you would rather not have children then that is absolutely fine, but don't make the decision based on not having parental support. We have no parents living nearby, and don't see them very often, and we manage absolutely fine. My DH is also out at work for those sorts of hours. Our life could be easier, but it is still brilliant!

Tazerface Wed 24-May-17 13:48:57

If you don't want children don't have them.

My parents are alive but live too far away to be any practical help and FIL works full time.

Undoubtedly compromises will have to be made if you do have children but your reason is ridiculous.

Birdsgottaf1y Wed 24-May-17 13:50:25

I was in a similar position.

I didn't need a break from my first, tbh. That depends on how you take to the constant clinging to you by a baby/toddler and how you manage that as a couple.

I made friends with other Mums, so I had company.

It was easier with my second and third because I went back to work.

It's nice to have support,my Mum was a lot better by the time i'd had my third and I needed some help because I'd been Widowed and my Dd had LD's.

But if you don't have support you tend to get through it, anyway.

malfish11 Wed 24-May-17 13:50:49

Everything I've read says support is essential. Sorry if it's a daft question. It's just we/I would have nobody.

ElspethFlashman Wed 24-May-17 13:51:39

That said, if your DH is out of the house 14 hrs a day, he would realistically only be a weekend parent. He would literally not see his kids Mon-Fri.

And at the weekend he may find it very difficult to not have any downtime any more.

He needs first and foremost to ask himself what kind of work/child balance he's looking for.

The "support" argument is a red herring if the reality would be you don't even get support from the other parent in the house.

Mari50 Wed 24-May-17 13:51:42

YABU to use your dead parents as an excuse not to have children.
YANBU to not want to have children.
Loads of people nowadays don't live near family so are raising their children with no family support per se.

CMOTDibbler Wed 24-May-17 13:52:25

We have a child and no family support at all. It would be easier with support , no question, but dh and I cope even though we both work ft and travel for work

NotISaidTheWalrus Wed 24-May-17 13:52:38

You can't actually think that everyone with children also has parents, can you? hmm

TiredMumToTwo Wed 24-May-17 13:52:48

If you want children have them, if you don't then don't. Not having parents isn't a reason / excuse. It is harder without loads of support but perfectly doable.

TheLegendOfBeans Wed 24-May-17 13:53:28

My situation isn't that different from yours OP, but factor in a job lot of mental illnesses of varying severities across the generation above me means I had the same thoughts as you.

Then we had DD. We - being selfish London metropolitan types wink - had no family close, no friends of use and were just about meeting our mortgage every month.

I wouldn't change having her for the world. I think about my mum a lot but I don't feel I ve missed out or more crucially DD.

A couple of my chums who are London natives have had squoooodles of help from parents - literally worth us weight in gold (or pounds, if you want grin). I'm a bit jealous but I don't feel I'm lacking or bereft of a support network. DH and I have just got on with it.

Don't let the shitty experiences you and DH have had put you off. You'll find support locally in baby groups, playgroups etc. And I'm sure you and DH are unlikely to die anytime soon so don't let that fear paralyse you from having children.

Good luck with your future family of your own flowers

Creampastry Wed 24-May-17 13:54:35

How old are you? You seem quite young. In an ideal world of course support would be great. But is is not an ideal world.

InvisibleKittenAttack Wed 24-May-17 13:54:48

Lots of people don't have family support even if they have a full set of living grandparents - and many a poster on here was lead to believe they would get tonnes of help prior to the baby arriving, only to find they are on their own!

It is harder and more expensive to be a parent without helpful grandparents, but something you can plan for.

Things like - if you both work, using a nursery rather than a childminder so that if your child's key worker is sick, they will find a temp replacement rather than a childminder being ill and you having no family back up. (That said, children are more likely to be ill than the childcare provider, so nanny might be even better option!)

Think about where you live - making sure you both have shorter commutes, perhaps both considering moving employers to ones who'll more likely accept flexible working requests. (This can vary greatly within industries).

Make as many friends on maternity leave as possible so you know lots of other parents going through the same as you (very handy for baby sitting swaps so you don't need to pay out every time you both want to go out).

DarkFloodRises Wed 24-May-17 13:55:33

YANBU not to have kids if you don't want them for whatever reason you like!

Can you afford to pay for help? Personally I think having a cleaner can do more to reduce stress levels than a grandparent!!

BarnsligRav Wed 24-May-17 13:56:03

I've read things that define lip balm and isotonic drinks as "essential" for labour - wasn't true for me, didn't give a toss about dry lips and I hate isotonic drinks.

It's not a daft question it's just one of those things that can't be ruled as an absolute - some people need lots of support and wouldn't manage without it, others get on just fine on their own. Others still may not have support from family but have friends who are happy to help. None of us (or even you to an extent) know how you would feel about having no grandparents involved so it's not something that can be answered.

MsGee Wed 24-May-17 13:56:45

We did it without much support.

Or rather we did it without support from grandparents.
We built our own support network of parents (through baby groups, then school), using paid for support (nursery, friends and babysitters).

You might not have anyone now but if you got pregnant you would build your own support network, and you would find many others in the same boat.

malfish11 Wed 24-May-17 13:57:52


The thing is, when everything you read or hear says "you need support with a baby" and you know you have none, you do start to think you shouldn't have one. That's all.

FrogFairy Wed 24-May-17 13:57:53

Many people have family but they are unable or unwilling to help with children.

You may eventually make friends with other families and provide mutual support.

If you have money, you can buy in support from a nanny, childminder, cleaner etc.

Mumchance Wed 24-May-17 13:58:32

Our parents are alive, but elderly and in another country. We don't have any family, or indeed, close friends within several hundred miles of where we live. We pay for childcare, and babysitting. We've both changed jobs in demanding professional fields in order to be more flexible and able to be there for DS. If you want to have children DH will have to explore modifying his hours, changing jobs, changing fields -- his being out of the house 14 hours a day isn't some inflexible rule.

Obviously, if you don't want a child, don't feel pressured into having one, but the absence of grandparents alone is no reason not to.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic Wed 24-May-17 13:59:32

We've got loads of relatives, none within 50 miles, and either with busy working lives or too elderly to drive and be of practical help.

What we have is some local friends who we can swap favours with. I've also always used a day or two at nursery when not required for childcare to get some break to get things done. People manage with much less support than that.

Having close relatives can also bring its own problems. There's always threads about relatives overstepping the mark or breaking promises. TBH, going into parenthood knowing that we'd have to fudge it ourselves and outsource childcare was better than when people have to cope with broken promises or demands from others. It tends to surprise me that so many people seem to have local relatives who are conveniently newly retired with free time and interest to spend as an extended family.

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