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Refusing to release new baby details to certain people

(91 Posts)
IrrationalRage Wed 24-May-17 11:07:38

Okay IABU because it's probably not possible and also unfair to ask certain people to refuse to release name/sex/DOB/photo of the baby when it arrives later this year. But also my inner irrational self is saying "WTF why not? Why can't you just say "no we've been asked not to disclose that --because you were acting like a total shitbag--"?"

Back story, I'll try not to drip feed I know you guys hate that shit -

Didn't tell my dad I'm pregnant because he's a twat. Knew he'd find out eventually anyway but NBD. From what I've heard he kicked off a bit but didn't approach so all fine.

Took a long time deciding to tell his side of the family who live in a different country. Ultimately decided to tell his mother. She chose not to acknowledge it for whatever reason but I wasn't completely surprised bc she's been a bitch to me since I was young and even worse to siblings and I when parents separated after dad's affair.

Recently received a lovely abusive message from 40+ year old cousin who also happens to be grandmother's golden child berating me for the way we chose to announce our pregnancy (which was like 8 weeks ago) and also accuse me of only telling grandmother bc I wanted money confused ironic bc whenever she sends an abusive message (of which there have been many over the past 10 years) she always brings up money and inheritance even though she's the only leech in the family. IMO she's worried we're taking what she sees as rightfully hers idk. If grandmother chooses to send us money then that's her choice but as someone in their late 20s I don't expect it but there you go. IMO the way we chose to announce our pregnant was lovely AND ALSO OUR DECISION BECAUSE ITS OUR FRIGGIN BABY. Ahem.

In the divorce we got to "keep" my dad's cousins who have been the loveliest people ever. Particularly during the affair/separation period. In fact they're the only ones on dad's shitty side of the family that didn't shun us. I tell you what, it fucking sucks being a kid when your dad fucks up everything and his family decides to stop talking to you. IMO they behaved despicably. Aaaaanyway I digress, said cousins have wholeheartedly agreed not to disclose any information to that side and fully support my decision and reasons why. They don't speak to them much now anyway so it's not such a difficult situation for them.

We also have some sporadic, neutral contact with dad's sibling who lives in the same country as us. This is where the "leak" will likely come from.

Given the treatment I have received over the years I genuinely feel justified in denying that side of the family the opportunity to share in what is the most exciting time of our lives. I will not subject myself or my innocent newborn baby to tirades of abuse from cousin fuckup and from past experience I do not believe the baby will spared the abuse just bc it's an innocent. Maybe it's hormones and like 10 years of pent up rage but why should they get to worm their way in and share in something so wonderful? So I asked dad's sibling to not disclose the info. I assured that I was aware of the difficult situation this would pose which they agreed would be difficult and they were pretty bland in their response anyway. It sounds so stupid, I know, but it would feel like a great betrayal if they were to learn the sex/name/DOB soon after the birth. I feel an irrational rage about it. I know it sounds completely ridiculous. And god help anyone who sends photos that's for sure. So they said it'd be difficult but didn't explicitly agree as such but said they still wanted a relationship with the baby (because I offered an alternative of NC with me and baby - I know this sounds drastic but I don't feel willing to compromise and I don't know of alternatives!) I partially blame hormones but in my head I'm going "but whyyyyyyyyy can't you just do as I ask" in the whingiest voice ever.

Rant over I thought I'd feel better but I just feel more ragey. Feel free to bring me down a notch or 10 and tell me I'm ridiculous and childish and stupid and maybe I'll get some perspective but right now I just can't shake it and the anger keeps me up at night. Not good for me or my baby sad

AppleMagic Wed 24-May-17 11:13:02

YAB a bit U
You don't owe the NC relatives anything but I do think you are putting the sibling in a difficult position unnecessarily.

fluffandsnuff Wed 24-May-17 11:13:23

I'm not telling my DB about DC2 because he's a dick, but not sure I could ban other people from saying anything (although it's tempting and I know how you feel). However, my lot all know that DB couldn't care less anyway sp slightly different. Are you more worried about them knowing, or more worried about it inflaming the situation?

VimFuego101 Wed 24-May-17 11:19:57

You're investing a lot of time thinking about this and getting wound up over it...tell or don't tell, it's up to you - but it's childish unreasonable to ask people to keep secrets that put them in an awkward position.

IrrationalRage Wed 24-May-17 11:21:02

@AppleMagic yeah I know I am really. But they didn't acknowledge the pregnancy so would seem somewhat ... idk, shady is the wrong word... to go finding out the details. Best case scenario they don't care to find out and don't ask. That's what I'm hoping for I guess.

Wolfiefan Wed 24-May-17 11:22:35

You can't tell people that they mustn't tell certain people any news.
Tell who you want.
Don't tell people you don't want to know. If they contact you then ignore and block where possible.

IrrationalRage Wed 24-May-17 11:22:48

@VimFuego101 I know it is. I appreciate the voice of reasoning all the same.

Astro55 Wed 24-May-17 11:27:38

It's seems a strange thing to get worked up about.

Just because they know the baby's name doesn't mean they have visitation rights -

It's his loss not yours - concentrate on those who do care and ignore anyone else.

It's more important that the baby is loved and well cared for and anything else is irrelevant

IrrationalRage Wed 24-May-17 11:27:46

@fluffandsnuff thanks it's really nice to hear from someone who knows how I feel. I know it's stupid, but at the same time this makes me feel vulnerable I guess. I fully expect an abusive message soon after birth criticising my parenting ability and the name I choose and the appearance of my child. That isn't me being irrational though, that is me being realistic given past experiences. I block all the time. That one still worms back somehow. One year she sent a text to the landline with some abusive message on it on my fucking birthday. And everyone's like "just ignore it" but then she continues without any repercussion. This is probably like 20+ years of feeling betrayed and let down by family and I should just let it go but it feels so unjust. And I know. It's stupid.

IrrationalRage Wed 24-May-17 11:29:24

And not to mention sounds awfully melodramatic which is so unlike me. I don't know why it gets to me.

Astro55 Wed 24-May-17 11:29:40

Well text back - if you continue to send abusive messages I will contact the police for advice and log your calls

viques Wed 24-May-17 11:32:09

I think a lot of it as you say is pent up feelings after years of horrible behaviour. But I can see that these are real feelings and causing you real pain. But I think there are ways you can lessen the pain and distress this is causing you.

Try to focus on the important thing, your lovely new baby who will be born to parents who want to love and protect it, as you do and will.

Remember that who knows about your baby is not important, these people are not going to be in direct contact with you, see the baby,hold it , or be involved in its care. If they know it has been born, it's sex or its name that will not in any way intrude on the loving cocoon your baby will be surrounded by. looking at pictures of the baby cannot hurt your baby, the only ones who will be hurt are them if they have enough self awareness to realise that their own actions have denied them of the joy a new baby brings.

Remove them from social media, tear up letters , bar their numbers on your phone. Just because the means of communication exist does not mean you have to use them.

You are not being ridiculous and childish, but to be honest if I were you I would not be taking any more money from the nasty grandmother. The fire seems to be smouldering and giving off toxic fumes on its own, no need to throw petrol on it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy btw.

FizzyGreenWater Wed 24-May-17 11:32:12

You say you have a neutral relationship with the sibling - you've sounded them out and have their answer - they don't feel they can keep it a secret - that's perfectly reasonable really.

Given that, it's also perfectly reasonable for you, then, to delay telling sibling for a while at least if that's what you want. It might not be what they'd like and they might find it difficult, but it's your decision. (You could use exactly that sentence to describe how you feel about them not keeping the news from your father).

If they kick off when you tell them a bit later or they hear it from someone else, you just blandly say, well, we wanted a bit of peace and quiet after the birth and weren't up to him getting in touch, you said you didn't want to keep it from him which is fair enough so we didn't want to put you in a difficult position. You know now.

You don't really owe this person anything. At a time like this, when you are gonig to be giving birth, you CERTAINLY don't owe them your peace of mind. So if it's easier, tell them later on.

greeeen Wed 24-May-17 11:33:16

I would tell the people I wanted to and leave it up to them who they told. If you're worried about abusive messages can you not block their numbers, social media etc?

WizardOfToss Wed 24-May-17 11:34:47

I'd withdraw from the lot of them if I were you. You don't owe people anything just because their family, especially if they're foul.

It's just loads of drama you don't need.

WizardOfToss Wed 24-May-17 11:35:46

they're family, damn you autocorrect

KatyBerry Wed 24-May-17 11:37:16

don't worry about unexpected melodrama, you're pregnant and therefore understandably hormonally a bit nuts. Goes with the territory.
It's not as big a deal as you're interpreting it to be - feel free not to tell anyone. They aren't going to be part of your baby's life in any meaningful way and have zero "entitlement" to know a thing. But your grandmother and uncle are equally free to tell who they want.
Try not to let it bother you x

IrrationalRage Wed 24-May-17 11:44:21

@FizzyGreenWater thank you that's a far kinder response than I anticipated and rings quite true.

IrrationalRage Wed 24-May-17 11:45:13

@KatyBerry thank you that's made me feel better smile I had a little cry earlier and I don't even know why. I've been really happy this whole pregnancy but this took me by surprise and knocked me back a bit

Italiangreyhound Wed 24-May-17 11:53:53

Rage YANBU - not a bit of it. Stick to your guns.

Just wait, when baby is born see how you feel. Do you want to tell your dad's sibling or not (when baby is here, I mean, answer that question then). If the answer is no, then simply do not tell them.

If the answer is yes, then tell them when you are ready.

You can always lie, it's OK to do that, you can say it's a boy if its a girl, called Mary not Betty, born on the 5th not 10th or whatever. It's your call. It's not good to lie, but sometimes we need to.

If you decide not to tell then you can just wait and if at some point they ask you, then again you can choose.

"I've decided not to talk to you about our baby as you cannot confirm you will not tell your brother."

Wolfiefan "You can't tell people that they mustn't tell certain people any news." That is rubbish. Of course you can. If others respect you, they will respect your decision and simply say, we have been told not to tell. No drama, no fuss. Of course you cannot make people not tell, you cannot stop them, but you can ask them, and in the circumstances it is not unreasonable to do so.

But also agree with Astro55 "It's more important that the baby is loved and well cared for and anything else is irrelevant"

Can I also please say that as you say "This is probably like 20+ years of feeling betrayed and let down by family and I should just let it go but it feels so unjust. And I know. It's stupid." That you get some counselling to process and move on. That you ask your husband to listen to any messages from family and delete any and all that are abusive.

I also agree with Astro55 "Well text back - if you continue to send abusive messages I will contact the police for advice and log your calls" but if they are in a different country I don't know how realistic the 'threat' to report them is.

You have explained why this bothers you and your reasons are very sound.

Hissy Wed 24-May-17 12:08:08

I agree, don't tell them, state that you would prefer no photos are shared with them or on social media as you have had considerable abuse over the years.

block the crappy relatives. without a second's hesitation

IrrationalRage Wed 24-May-17 12:08:49

@Italiangreyhound thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I never considered it but actually having my feelings and reasons validated was a relief in itself. I do not feel unjustified in my wishes and reading a stranger tell me my reasons are sound is just a relief. Hiding the baby's details aren't logical or even possible in the long term. But my reasons why being justified means a lot.

Wolfiefan Wed 24-May-17 12:12:27

Actually Italian I disagree. This isn't like don't tell everyone I'm pg yet. Expecting a friend or family member not to mention the existence of a child for 20 years is unrealistic and unfair.
I'm NC with my father. I obviously haven't told him about the birth of my children. Other people may have said something. That's fine. He won't be meeting them. It takes nothing from me that he knows they exist.

MelaniaMacron Wed 24-May-17 12:18:06

I think you're being realistic in knowing that the details will come out eventually, and therefore YANBU in feeling the rage over this. I agree with those suggesting you see how you feel once the baby is here.

Bluntness100 Wed 24-May-17 12:18:47

I think uou need to take a step back. You don't need to tell them anything, but really does it make a difference if someone else does? Doesn't it just reinforce what they are missing out on if they find out but can't see your child? Tell them they are not welcome in you or your child's life and then don't invest further emotional energy into it.

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