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To think that my mother should not be picking sides?

(13 Posts)
foursthescore Wed 24-May-17 10:02:03

About a month ago, me and my sister had a big blow up row. It escalated because I told her she was not a ordinary 23 year old, - which she isn't. She lives with my mum and sponges off her something rotten - won't eat food from Asda, makes my mum get her food from M&S, doesn't lift a finger around the flat, makes no effort to meet anyone or make a life for herself. She isn't depressed, she is just bone idle.

Recently our grandmother has begun to sadly lose her sight. My sister has done absolutely nothing. It is me who has been calling her, visiting her, shopping for her, and I have a full time job and a 6yo ds as well as 3 dsc.

My mum has been resolutely in my sisters corner throughout this. She's always had much more in common with sister than with me. Today I asked her if I could pop in to see her. She said not until my sister was out as she'd promised her that she wouldn't let me in her flat while my sister was in.

I was really upset about this, I've told her that until she can treat me like a person instead of a contagious disease, she will be having minimal contact with me or the dc.


TeenAndTween Wed 24-May-17 10:05:37

YANBU about being upset.
YABU about minimal contact, I think (or not depending on how much backstory there is to this). Your Mum is caught between you both, she loves you both. Why not encourage your Mum to visit you at yours instead?

Polomintini Wed 24-May-17 10:07:07

No, you ANBU, but you should consider a couple of things. First, your mum enables your sister's behaviour - she would never get away with it unless your mum let her, so criticising your sister is criticising your mum. Second, it will be awful for your mum to be in the middle, so I'd take the higher ground, but yes, pulling back a bit wrt access to dc might help her see the light

Astro55 Wed 24-May-17 10:09:38

If your sister felt like that she could spend the time you are there in her bedroom - or go out

But how she lives her life is up to her - your mom is being a fool and your sister is taking advantage - however that doesn't affect you let life does it? Unless DM is complaining about it to you?

BeepBeepMOVE Wed 24-May-17 10:09:41

YANBU. I wouldn't want someone who shows such obvious favouritism around DC.

Heratnumber7 Wed 24-May-17 10:12:27

Why do you need to ask your mum if you can pop in?
Just pop in. Let your sister decide whether she stays or goes out while you're there

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Wed 24-May-17 10:18:59

What was your mum's reaction in regards to your comment?

I see it as not taking sides as such, more as She lives with your sister and it's easier for her taking the easier road.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 24-May-17 10:24:08

Seems your dm is prepared to accept a family divide - she has enabled your dsis to become such an entitled madam. . Think I would keep away also. .
Tell your dm she can visit your dc at your home but you won't be going there.

Birdsgottaf1y Wed 24-May-17 10:46:03

I agree that your Mum has put your Sister in a position of "Learned Helplessness", so it's your Mum that you are really having a go at, so your Mum is in essence, defending herself.

Your Mum can buy what food she wants and if she gets a violent reaction for that, she phones the Police, but she isn't doing that.

She must enjoy still having "a little girl", but it's not fair on your Sister.

Or has your Mum been worn down by an abusive relationship and your Sis is carrying it on? That's the only way that your Mum wouldn't be responsible.

emmyrose2000 Wed 24-May-17 11:23:51


Roomster101 Wed 24-May-17 11:29:47

I don't think where your Mum does her shopping and whether your sister contributes to housework was any of your business unless your Mum asked for your input. As others have said when you criticise your sister she probably sees it as a criticism of herself so no wonder she appears to be on your sisters said.
As far as your grandmother is concerned, it would be nice if your sister to helped but again it isn't your job to make her.

Allthebestnamesareused Wed 24-May-17 11:52:29

By threatening to withdraw the contact with her grandchildren you are being as pathetic as your sister! As someone else said above just pop round - if you sister can't bear it she'll go out!"

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 24-May-17 13:29:26

If you believe your dm wouldn't let you in if dsis is there please don't take your dc around and risk witnessing gm snubbing them!

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