to be angry with DH?(14 Posts)
Background - he's had low level lifelong depression and anxiety, though wrote it off as 'just getting a bit low' or whatever. Since our children were born it's got increasingly worse, episodes of self-harm and suicidal thoughts. He's sought counselling, is trying some different meds, we're hopeful things will improve, but it's like, after over a decade of endless patience with his 'moods' I've all of a sudden run out.
If he has even a little off moment the last couple of weeks I am hard put to stay calm and I certainly don't feel able to talk him down the way I always have before. I have felt deeply lonely and helpless of late, as well as very hurt and rejected because he pulls into himself and doesn't offer even casual affection (a stroke on the arm as he walks past) never mind the kisses, cuddles or sex I need to feel connected and loved.
He struggles with the children. They wind him up and aggravate his anxiety, then he gets down on himself. His behaviour has also been detrimental to theirs, especially our eldest DC. Mostly because he withdraws from them so they act up to get any kind of attention. I haven't been able to leave them with him unsupervised for months now. The times we've tried it he's ended up calling me back in hysterical tears and one or both of the children is sometimes upset too. I'm lucky that I have family nearby who have stepped in to help, but that's usually in crisis situations and I haven't been able to, for example, have a regular night out to do an exercise class or anything just for me.
I was self-employed but haven't really been able to work due to the all-consuming demands of solo parenting, supporting a severely depressed partner and doing nearly all the housework. I've had to give up the volunteer work I did because I just didn;t have it in me to support strangers when I was doing that 24/7 at home.
I love my DH very much. I desperately want him to be well again. I miss him dearly. I am so so so angry at him for something that he cannot help, so I feel intense shame for being angry at him. AIBU to feel angry at him? I feel like I am but I am so tired. I'm in constant hyper-vigilance for any sign he might be 'slipping' again.
Really feel for you - it sounds like a very difficult situation. I don't think yabu - I think most people would probably start to feel like you unless they were absolute saints!
Sorry, I don't have any advice but just wanted to tell you not to blame yourself for everything.
YANBU- it's not his fault by the sound of it, but it must be very very hard for you . Could you maybe contact your GP surgery to ask about local support groups with people in a similar situation? -someone else who knows what it's like too might be good to talk to sometimes. There are signs all over our surgery asking people to tell them if they are caring for someone so they can offer support and advice.
You're not being unreasonable at all OP. The people that support those with depression/addiction issues tend to get little support. I've seen it and felt it with my own family. Those 'holding the fort' can be left behind easily.
I don't have any advice but didn't want to read and run. I hope you find some support
No advice here, but I feel just the same mix of love and anger with my mother. It's awful for the depressed people and awful for those around them who love them. A local support group sounds like an excellent idea if there is one, and if not, perhaps there are internet groups where you could share frustrations?
No words of advice except to say you're not alone. I could have written a similar thread however we're a year down the line from the worst. I won't lie. DH still has bad days but he's tonnes better than he was before counselling.
I felt that shame too. And the anger. You just run out of steam eventually. I hope you're DH responds the way mine did to therapy but it's not quick.
Feeling for you but there is no point being angry with him, if he could turn off the depression and snippiness I am sure he would have done so by now. When you have been living with someone suffering from depression for a long time it is very hard to remain as perky and bouncy as you were to start with, it's bound to have an effect and it sounds like the strain is beginning to show. Are there any support groups you can attend, perhaps talking to others living in the same situation will give you some coping strategies, or even just the realisation that you aren't alone in going through this. It may even be worth seeing your GP and mentioning that it is becoming harder to cope after the years of trying. S/He may even advise counselling for you depending on how you feel about this and the availability of services in your area.
Don't feel bad about struggling with your patience, try and remember that it's not easy for either of you.
YANBU, it sounds as though you are doing a sterling job under very difficult circumstances.
Go and talk to your GP and see what there is in the way of support in your area. It sounds as though you have, quite understandably, reached the end of your tether. You must look after your health/sanity otherwise you'll be in no fit state to care for OH and DC.
Take care of yourself.
Youngest DC is too young for preschool atm, so can't really go to any support groups/counselling in the daytime and obvs can't go out in the evenings. Might be worth looking into though for when DC does go to preschool, or perhaps the Childrens' Centre can help, it's just about to re-open under local council funding. Thanks for the words of support all. I sometimes feel like the whole family depends on me for their emotional regulation and, I have to admit, I don't always do such a great job at that, especially when chronically sleep deprived.
I think you need to turn getting yourself some support into your priority. You are, right now, recognising that you can't be everything to everyone and YOU need some help. That's a powerful thing. Please go and shout for everything you can. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. You're entirely allowed to feel as you do about your situation, don't beat yourself up about that. You're in a rotten place, with a rotten hand, but this should not be your always. Best of luck.
Has he ever sought support for himself? CBT or talking therapy? You can of course seek those for yourself, but the root cause will still be there. Maybe a joint appointment with your GP might be a good place to start, although in my area we can self refer for those kind of therapies. Try to be kind to yourself, you're juggling a lot of balls there
Please go and see your gp. You are at risk of problems of your own from living in this situation.
It is also not good for your kids, getting help for you is the right thing to do for them.
Sounds like you're slipping down yourself after years of supporting everyone else. Get help now! GP, charities for carers. We only have so much in reserve to cope and yours sounds like it's used up. Prioritise yourself because you can't give to your family if you have nothing left. It can't go on like this. Look after you xxx
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