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AIBU giving present instead of cash for wedding gift?

(73 Posts)
star0 Tue 23-May-17 16:42:43

A bit of background..My sister and I really don't get along, we never have and she is getting married in July. She's been a bit crazy about the whole thing to be honest. She wouldn't let me bring a pram for my DD who is a newborn because it would spoil the look in her pictures so she expects a newborn to be held for several hours during ceremony and reception and not have a proper nap. I completely refused and said I need to bring the pram or we're not coming. If she doesn't want any babies there that's fine but don't force me to bring my child and then not expect the basic necessities that come with a newborn baby! Anyway fast forward to the more recent drama with my parents who continually get involved with our "arguments" because if ever she's annoyed or thinks I'm doing something wrong she never comes to me and goes directly to them and they then call me up to basically try and tell me what to do. So on her invitation she's asked for money...which is fine, I consider that pretty normal nowadays, however I am currently not working because of just having lo and we are living off of one income on a really tight budget and getting by on what we can afford. I know if I give her money she will complain that it's not enough and I'm not looking for another confrontational phone call from my parents so I called my mum mentioned I was going out at the weekend to buy the mum was then outraged I wouldn't "do what my sister asked and give her cash". I thought that at least if I go and pick a nice photo frame it shows that I've at least made an effort instead of putting a small amount of cash with a card. AIBU? Thanks in advance ladies!

Lordamighty Tue 23-May-17 16:45:37

Why go & buy something if she wants money, unless you want to cause strife?

19lottie82 Tue 23-May-17 16:47:55

Why not just give her the money you were going to spend on a present?

Cuppaoftea Tue 23-May-17 16:58:01

YANBU. I'd do the same as you Op and have done so in the past.

If you give money you feel it has to be at least a certain amount whereas I spent the £10 I could afford on a nice photo frame as a keepsake.

I think people asking for money instead of presents is awful anyway personally. If a relative chooses to make a financial gift that's a different thing but I'm referring to those who basically say 'we want you to pay towards our honeymoon'.

Andylion Tue 23-May-17 17:29:26

I thought that at least if I go and pick a nice photo frame it shows that I've at least made an effort

OP, your sister won't care that you made the effort to choose something, so she'll complain to you mum whatever you do. Buy a card, put in whatever you can afford, and get ready to ignore your mum's call, as your sister is likely to think it's not enough.

BoomBoomsCousin Tue 23-May-17 17:56:48

Give her an oxfam goat. She's going to complain whatever you do, so you may as well make sure someone enjoys your present.

BoomBoomsCousin Tue 23-May-17 18:05:14

More reasonably, perhaps, if it would work, try turning this on your mum and getting in their before your sister can complain about you. "Mum, you know I'm really stuck. I had thought the photo frame would be good because you know we have no money at the moment and this was a way to add a bit of thought to it, but I could only give her a tenner if I put money in a card and you know she's going to complain about that. What should I do?" Then when your sister complains to your mum she'll either have to listen to it and keep it to herself or when she tells you you can treat it as a sort of commiseration instead of trying to guilt you. Your mum sounds like a big part of the problem here, so I would try and put the pressure back on her instead of letting her do your sister's dirty work all the time.

CormorantDevouringTime Tue 23-May-17 18:05:41

She wants money, so give her the amount of money you can afford. If she whinges then so be it, but at least you will have the moral high ground. If she wants money then presumably she'd rather have a tenner toward whatever it is she wants than ten pounds of picture frame that she really doesn't want.

CormorantDevouringTime Tue 23-May-17 18:07:26

BoomBoom's idea is clever though. Get your DM to actively commit to the decision that a tenner (or whatever) in a card is the right thing to do.

McTufty Tue 23-May-17 18:12:03

Well it's never unreasonable to give someone a gift instead of cash - gifts are optional and you can choose the gift. The issue is antagonising your sister and whether it is worth it - I think boomboom makes a good suggestion as to what to say to your mum.

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher Tue 23-May-17 18:13:26

I would take the Oran and not bother with a gift but that's me

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher Tue 23-May-17 18:13:40


slanleat Tue 23-May-17 18:16:07

just give her the cash. If you can only afford 10 pounds then put in ten pounds. You might get some backlash (most probably will) but you'll get even more if you give her a gift when she has asked for cash.

GahBuggerit Tue 23-May-17 18:18:20

Yanbu, I never give cash. If it's begged for it makes me even less inclined to help pay for their wedding.

VibrantAmI Tue 23-May-17 18:18:33

We got some gifts for our wedding last year, including a photo frame. We ended up giving it to charity. I personally feel that a photo frame is a terrible ugly dust catching present, but then I'm a grump who asked for no presents at all.

Give cash. Whatever you do will be wrong for your sister, so don't put in extra effort that will only be wasted. She won't appreciate it, and you know it.

kel1493 Tue 23-May-17 18:19:35

It sounds like she will complain regardless. Also how can she expect you not to have a pram with a tiny baby?
I think it's grabby to ask for money or presents for a wedding though. Sorry.

milliemolliemou Tue 23-May-17 18:25:01

Don't understand why you haven't also asked your DM about your DSis ban on the pram and what she thinks sbout. Presumably there won't be photos all the time so you could have the pram in the porch and put her in there -until the photos?? I'd be asking if I could have a seat at the back with a pram outside (to be whisked away for bride's exit) so if DC cried they could be taken out of the church immediately. Ditto somewhere near during the reception. Involve your ma in this.

star0 Tue 23-May-17 18:34:01

Thank you all for your responses smile boombooms that's a great idea thanks, I just messaged my mum saying I don't want to cause drama because she'll kick off at the amount and I can't afford much. Mums response was to give whatever I was going to spend on a gift in cash and she doesn't think my sister will get annoyed with that... we'll see ;) I'll give the cash and ignore any backlash! smile

McTufty Tue 23-May-17 18:44:28

That's great OP. Hopefully she will display gratitude.

Re the pram, she seemingly doesn't want babies there but has invited your DD so don't get too precious. If you don't want to fall out please wear your DD as much as possible and leave the pram somewhere discreet. Most parents will do this at weddings anyway. Of course you need to take the pram (which I think she's now agreed to) but be sensitive to the fact the day doesn't revolve around your DD and prams can harm an aesthetic if placed somewhere inconsiderate and this is clearly a concern of hers.

Youvegotafriendinme Tue 23-May-17 18:49:12

We had a family wedding recently and the invitation asked for money but just like you I'm on maternity leave and couldn't justify giving money without it looking like we were being really tight. We just bought a photo frame as well and thankfully they liked it but your sister sounds incredibly U. Good luck!

Kpo58 Tue 23-May-17 18:52:57

I'd be tempted to put £10 in a cheap photo frame and call it art.

MadisonAvenue Tue 23-May-17 19:09:27

We were at a wedding recently where the invitation had arrived with its accompanying begging letter poem.

There was no mention of the money going towards anything special and there was the usual disclaimer of spending the day with those they choose to as being the best present. They're not people we know particularly well so we took a bottle of Champagne. £50 always seems like the right amount for family but it seemed too much in these circumstances.

thatorchidmoment Tue 23-May-17 19:41:18

Give her a framed photo of your baby daughter in her pram.

That'll learn her.


expatinscotland Tue 23-May-17 19:52:29

I wouldn't have gone to her wedding at all. I decline invitations that demand cash as a 'gift'. I'd never give a photo frame, though, I think that's a shit present.

Pigface1 Tue 23-May-17 21:58:40

We asked for honeymoon contributions for our wedding. I know how snotty some people get about it, but we'd lived together for years and had a flat bursting at the seams with stuff - we didn't need towels or bedding or cutlery.

Most people gave us cash. Some people insisted on getting presents anyway... including quite a few photo frames.

The presents are all, without exception, collecting dust. The money - no matter how small a contribution - helped to pay for the best holiday I have ever been on.

So Im definitely in favour of giving people what they ask for. I say give her the amount of money you'd spend on a gift and if anyone kicks up a fuss about the amount they are definitely BU and you can tell then where to get off. They know your circumstances.

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