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To want my relatives at my engagement party?

(46 Posts)
littlemisswhat Tue 23-May-17 09:07:08

So this is about our engagement party. 

DP and I live in London but come from different parts, both quite far. My parents and most family come from a place that is far but fairly well connected. However I also have close family in other cities so there would be relatives coming from all over. 

DP's family come from a small place, fairly remote and not as easy to get to. His is a large family - lots of brothers and sisters, even immediate family (first aunts/uncles and their families) is some 50 ppl! And they all live there. They don't travel much.

We didn't want to do it in London as we feel it would be quite expensive for everybody and lots of DP's family wouldn't come. To be fair some of mine might not either. So we will do a separate party for our friends and life here. Also thought it might be nice to combine a family party with a mini break somewhere in the county. 

DP is keen on doing it at his home town. (I suspect future PIL might be pressuring a bit too) 
It is a pretty place but my issue is geography. I worry that most of my family won't be able to come cause it is far, they would need to take time off work and many have small DC so it would be tricky and expensive for them. At the same time all of DP's family would be there so it would effectively become a very one sided affair. (50ppl from his side, 5 from mine. Not that they ever make me feel left out, they are lovely, but WIBU to want to have my family there too??)

I am not too bothered about doing it in my home town as such, but what would the alternative be? Really keen to hear ppl's thoughts. I am worried that since I am too involved I have lost perspective of what is actually fair here. 

Now. DP and I get along great and generally don't argue. We have both been avoiding the issue for a while as I sense we just don't want to disagree.

I sincerely want to find a fair way of making this work. It is a joyful occasion and I don't want it to cause upset. WWYD??

McTufty Tue 23-May-17 09:12:06

Have it in London.

luckylucky24 Tue 23-May-17 09:12:17

Somewhere inbetween?
E.g if his family are north wales and yours Lancashire, do it in Liverpool/Chester. It is not fair to have it in his home town if that is inaccessible to your family. Alternatively, save the money the party would cost and put it towards your wedding. Have a meal out with parents and siblings instead.

TeenAndTween Tue 23-May-17 09:14:44

1 party where your DPs family are
1 party in London
1 party wherever for your family

alternatively

0 parties and save all the angst for the wedding.

Sittinonthefloor Tue 23-May-17 09:16:36

Maybe they think it's a bit ott to expect everyone to travel to a big party to celebrate the fact that you'll be having another one soon? I don't think big engagement parties a really ' a thing'.

Topseyt Tue 23-May-17 09:17:27

Solve the whole issue. Have no party. We didn't, and it was bliss.

littlemisswhat Tue 23-May-17 09:19:58

You know I am really tempted to skip the whole thing! It is starting to be more trouble than it's worth. But I think parents and future PIL will be a bit disappointed. Although I guess you are right that we really will be saving them money and energy...

I don't like complicated

littlemisswhat Tue 23-May-17 09:20:47

@TeenAndTween I did think about 3 parties but I think it is a little too much. Generally, but also money wise sadly

littlemisswhat Tue 23-May-17 09:21:30

@luckylucky24 yes somewhere in between might be an option. Let me get a map out!

Shoxfordian Tue 23-May-17 09:22:58

Have a party in London and ask everyone but you're not allowed to be offended if not everyone comes

picklemepopcorn Tue 23-May-17 09:23:09

Just do a visit to each area. Party in your area which everyone is invited to, then visit his family- they can throw a bash if they want to- then to yours for a celebratory meal out.

We didn't have an engagement party...

The wedding is going to be fun..l

icy121 Tue 23-May-17 09:23:24

Another vote for skip a 'do'. Engagement drinks should be low key & convenient. Have a meal with some fizz with his parents, same with yours and then see friends as and when.

Only1scoop Tue 23-May-17 09:23:39

Are you really set on an engagement party? It all sounds a little OTT.

Perhaps you and DP could hire a country house and everyone could stay and they wouldn't have to shell out a fortune other than travel costs....destination equidistant?

bumblingmum Tue 23-May-17 09:24:44

Do a dinner for parents so they can meet (if they haven't already) and so they can celebrate.
Have an informal night out with friends.
Save your money for the wedding, let them save their money for the wedding as it's sounds like everyone will need to travel and pay for accommodation.

Only1scoop Tue 23-May-17 09:25:12

....but personally I'd skip the party and just maybe have a lovely dinner with each set of parents as and when.

Kennethnoisewater Tue 23-May-17 09:25:45

Sorry but engagement parties are up there with baby showers for me. I.e pointless and greedy.
Everyone will be getting together to celebrate at your wedding won't they? I don't see the need for 2 parties and a mini break!

RuggerHug Tue 23-May-17 09:25:56

Somewhere in between everyone can make it to, 2 separate dos or none.

troodiedoo Tue 23-May-17 09:25:56

Have it in London if you really must have one. That's where you live. Over thinking makes things complicated.

Firenight Tue 23-May-17 09:26:16

Definitely skip the engagement party. I agree that a visit to each set of parents for dinner and a drink is sufficient and have a do in London for friends if you want.

If this is just the start then the wedding will be a management headache!

littlemisswhat Tue 23-May-17 09:27:06

Thank you all! Yes I am starting to see that it was all starting to get a little OTT. That's why I needed the
MN's votes to get my thoughts in order!

The wedding will be in London as we thought that would be more fair (and we will be helping out ppl with travel arrangements where needed, so that everybody gets a chance to come) but didn't want to get ppl/us to spend again for a party in London and were trying to make it easier for everyone. But perhaps the easiest thing is not to do engagement party at all.

JoanRamone Tue 23-May-17 09:32:44

Another one saying no need for an engagement party. The point of a wedding is to celebrate your lifelong commitment to someone. An engagement party is a celebration of the fact you plan to have a celebration of your lifelong commitment to someone. It's just not necessary! If you're buzzing and just want a nice chance to get excited about starting wedding planning then you could totally make a visit to both sets of parents and suggest going out for a nice meal though. Ditto friends: 'we just got engaged, anyone fancy meeting at
X pub for a beer to celebrate on Friday,?'

Rossigigi Tue 23-May-17 09:34:12

Just do a small meal seperatly with each family and save for the wedding.
Congratulations!

Wolfiefan Tue 23-May-17 09:35:42

Bloody hell that sounds a right palaver. The wedding is going to be a nightmare to organise if there's this much angst over an engagement party.
I wouldn't have one. Arrange a get together with your family. One with his?

Eatingcheeseontoast Tue 23-May-17 09:40:21

Don't do engagement - concentrate on the wedding!

Kokusai Tue 23-May-17 09:41:44

Bloody hell that sounds a right palaver. The wedding is going to be a nightmare to organise if there's this much angst over an engagement party.

Quite.

Go up and spend a weekend with DPs family, have a nice meal to celebrate your engagement. Same with your family.

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