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AIBU?

When did 'pick up some self-respect' become the default to women living with DV

10 replies

SisterhoodisPowerful · 22/05/2017 16:16

I've been on MN for a decade under various names. But this recent obsession with using such cruel phrases to women living with domestic violence has me floored.

When did people stop giving women the National Domestic Violence Helpline number and instead go straight to victim blaming language? Telling women it's their fault that their partners are violent is what perpetrators say. It's the last thing women experiencing domestic violence need to hear.

One of the strengths of MN versus all the other parenting sites has been the strong supportive advice on the relationships board (and elsewhere) to women experiencing domestic violence and abuse by helping women process their experiences and safety plan for themselves and children. Now, there is always a bunch of women lining up to tell traumatised women it's their own fault. There is no recognition of the grooming process involved in domestic violence and the very real threats of harming children. Domestic violence and abuse is a process of terrorism. It's not about low self confidence.

When did MN become a place so lacking in empathy that the default is becoming blaming women instead of holding men accountable?

OP posts:
Picklepickle123 · 22/05/2017 16:17

I'm often shocked at how often a woman asking for help is instead called names and shamed :(

Afterthestorm · 22/05/2017 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lightship · 22/05/2017 16:23

Honestly, I think the sheer number of trolls on here these days, including a significant number pretending to be in heartrendingly difficult predicaments, has had a cumulative impact on the level of sympathy with which people respond.

I don't think posters are generally less sympathetic towards women living with DV, I think they have compassion fatigue from maing suggestions and offering support to people who turn out to be faking it for some obscure pleasure of their own.

pipsqueak25 · 22/05/2017 16:27

living with dv is never easy and saying walk away is easier said than done, it is never the victims fault and it is probable the troll type that shame and blame.

Crowdblundering · 22/05/2017 16:43

I regularly feel disappointed with MN these days - the trend to tear someone apart about totally unrelated issues to the OP, judge people, their life choices and relationships, and generally be the first to get a to the point fucking nasty and bitchy quip in 1st detracts from the genuinely nice and balanced people on here offering good advice.

SisterhoodisPowerful · 22/05/2017 17:04

pickle I don't want to link for posters privacy but I've seen 3 today.


Trolls, both hairy-handed and emotionally manipulative, have always been a part of MN. I've been taken in many a time by teenage single mothers and a woman who kept posting about miscarrying twins. I don't think that is enough to default to cruel. Feeling foolish by believing a troll shouldn't be an excuse. It's not just the people posting but the lurkers who read these posts and believe it's their fault because the perpetrator says so backed up by women online. It's so harmful.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 22/05/2017 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NavyandWhite · 22/05/2017 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BandeauSally · 22/05/2017 17:09

I've seen this a couple of times and winced when I did. It's harsh. Not sure it's what DA victims need to hear right at that moment. It's hard enough to ask for support.

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2017 17:14

I have rarely seen what you describe on here and never seen it go unchallenged, so I think (hope) that what you are describing is not the norm. The only time I've really seen abused women criticised are when they post repeatedly about an abusive partner but continue to expose their children to him.

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