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AIBU?

To hate the phrase 'Mum-To-Be'?

38 replies

ZofloraIsShite · 22/05/2017 16:02

Maybe IAU because past events have altered my perception but I do find it an odd saying, none the less.

I have lost pregnancies, some later, some earlier.

Despite what people may think, I believe pregnant women are equally just as much of a Mum as someone with a child physically outside of them.

What does a Mum do? She...

Puts her child's best interests at heart. Whilst pregnant, you make a conscious effort to put aside bad substances (if you take them), and ensure you're safe so baby is safe.

Makes sure they're healthy - Whilst pregnant, women rethink what they're eating and make a conscious effort to take the right vitamins etc.

Looks after their wellbeing and guards their safety, often going the extra mile if need be - Many women are often spending hours in maternity units/early pregnancy units. All to ensure their baby is safe and well, and many a time to we don't leave until the appropriate plans and care have been put into place.

Worry - Need I say more on this one?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but do we not do these things as a pregnant women?

Did I not spend endless amounts of times during pregnancy, taking folic acid to nurture them, avoiding alcohol/more than a few units ever so often so the baby can thrive?

Do we not financially save and sometimes splurge on what the baby needs? Just like our DC next to us?

Please tell me your thoughts!

If you are a pregnant woman, I for one think you're every bit a Mum as someone who's just had a baby. If you've gone through a loss, I know you pined and hoped for that baby. You are a Mum, you are amazing Flowers

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2017 16:05

It's a funny one and having only had losses and no babies yet it's a bit odd going from being a mum-to-be to no kind of mum at all.

ZofloraIsShite · 22/05/2017 16:12

Oh Anne, I'm really sorry to hear that. It's bloody awful Sad

OP posts:
pipsqueak25 · 22/05/2017 16:16

FlowersFlowers for both zo and anne,

ZofloraIsShite · 22/05/2017 16:17

Apologies for the huge chunk of an essay. For some reason the app isn't allowing me to put my threads in bite-sized chunks Confused

OP posts:
Laiste · 22/05/2017 16:18

I imagine that most people who use the phrase 'mum to be' wouldn't, if pushed to think about it, say that pregnant women definitely aren't mums ... it's just a phrase that everyone knows to mean pregnant.

Sorry for your losses Flowers

BackforGood · 22/05/2017 16:21

I am sorry for your losses, but, if I'm honest I think YABU.

ZofloraIsShite · 22/05/2017 16:22

Laiste I think you're right, although I hate seeing it said in marketing as more thought should be put into the wording.

I have had comments of ''When you're a Mum, you'll understand'' etc, even though I'm 14 weeks and they've known that.

Apparently I can't possibly know what it's like to have a child upset you/have your heart worn on your sleeve, since baby isn't here yet Hmm

This was from a childless aunty though.

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 22/05/2017 16:26

I've never heard of mum-to-be. I would have thought it would put too much pressure on people with a history like some of my family of not coming to term. But clearly anyone who has been pregnant thinks of themselves as someone who will be a mother and prepares and takes care and plans, whatever the outcome.

I do dislike the phrase, though. There's too much focus on pregnancy, birth etc with so much expectation - not mentioning the baby showers etc - which must put so much pressure on those who will have babies and those who sadly lose them.

MissMooMoo · 22/05/2017 16:27

@AnneLovesGilbert FlowersFlowers
Just want to say I think about you often,we were on an antenatel thread together. I was so hoping you were in fact a mum-to-be again.

OP I agree with you.

AppalazianWalzing · 22/05/2017 16:30

Honestly, I've just had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy and I'm not a mother. I'd find it very odd if anyone thought I was.

I was a pregnant woman, I was looking forward to becoming a mother. But I wasn't one. Mine was a much longed-for pregnancy, and a much-longed for baby, and it is heartbreaking that won't get to happen, but other women at the same gestation as me might choose to end their pregnancy and I don't believe they were mothers either.

I understand for people who have still births it may feel different: but I don't have any problem with the term mum-to-be. I'm still looking forward to (hopefully) becoming a mother one day, and I think it's strange you think that will happen before I meet my child.

Thisiswhyileft · 22/05/2017 16:32

Can't do the link but google 'Maternity' by Alice Meynell.

ZofloraIsShite · 22/05/2017 16:33

App I am sorry for your loss and respect what you're saying.

I have never had a stillbirth but I've lost twins at 15 weeks. I got to hold them and they were definitely babies. Surely stillbirth isn't the only time you're finally classed as a Mother?

Those babies were fully formed and were living only hours before.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/05/2017 16:36

You must be due or have a lovely baby by now @MissMooMoo, I hope you're happy and well! It was a lovely thread and you're kind to remember me. I have been pregnant since and lost another one. Been a tricky year. Wishing you well x

ZofloraIsShite · 22/05/2017 16:37

Thisiswhyileft That poem made me weep.

Thank you for that StarFlowersCake

OP posts:
Lightship · 22/05/2017 16:41

I'm sorry for your losses, OP.

I think the phrase 'Mum to be' is hideously twee Hallmark card shite. But then I can honestly say that I never felt like a parent while I was pregnant. I was a pregnant woman.

SolomanDaisy · 22/05/2017 16:48

I've never heard it. Having two children my instinct is that pregnancy is different to motherhood, so it's not inappropriate. But back when all I'd had after years of fertility problems was a miscarriage, I might have felt differently. There's a difference between having lost a pregnancy and having never been pregnant and maybe describing it as having been a mother would have felt right.

SolomanDaisy · 22/05/2017 16:49

I'm sorry for your losses OP.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 22/05/2017 16:49

pregnant women are equally just as much of a Mum as someone with a child physically outside of them

Actually I disagree - and I say that as someone who has struggled with infertility, multiple rounds of IVF and experienced miscarriage. I'm currently pregnant, but I don't think carrying a child (even though this has been a bloody difficult pregnancy) is comparable to actually raising one. For one thing it's 9 months - raising a child is a minimum of 18 years! For another thing, a foetus can't really interact with you, and you don't need to do much to keep it happy.

I'm not minimising the pain of miscarriage, it's probably the most upsetting thing I've experienced, but I don't think it makes me a mum (sadly).

NoParticularPattern · 22/05/2017 16:58

I'm a little on the fence with this. On the one hand I agree with you about how you're a mum from the moment you get that positive test. But I also don't feel like a mum since I don't actually have a baby in spite of that positive test.

I think at the heart of it is the fact that it really fucking stings when someone comes out with "when you're a mum you'll understand" or "as any parent would appreciate" despite knowing about your losses. It really really hurts to think that, actually, I should be a parent right now. But cheers for the reminder that I'm not! And cheers for making me feel about this big about that. But that's exactly it, I'm not a mum and I'm no closer to being a mum now than when I had that positive test a year ago, but that's my fault not theirs!

MrsRhubarb · 22/05/2017 17:00

Sadly there are plenty of pregnant women who do not do all the "mum" things you list in your op.

As for the rest of it, I think it is quite individual. I felt I was a mother when I first held my baby in my arms, you did that with your twins at 15 weeks so it makes sense you felt like a mum then, and I would absolutely agree with you. Other people may feel differently, but as long as they aren't saying how you should feel I don't think it matters.

teapotter · 22/05/2017 17:00

YANBU. I find it strange that people talk about an unborn baby as 'baby' but a pregnant woman is 'mum to be'. So baby doesn't have a mum until it is born! I prefer "expectant mother" but I can see it's less catchy.

Just looked through my NHS magazines and leaflets and they don't use the term. I think it's mostly advertisers who use it. It's also strange as many "mum-to-be"'s that products are aimed at already have older kids. How can you be both mum and mum-to-be?

I had two kids, then two miscarriages, and now expecting again, and I'm a mum to all 5 of them. Silly expression.

sticklebrix · 22/05/2017 17:03

Flowers OP and Anne and for everyone who has had losses.

I think that pregnant women and women who have had losses are mothers. Maybe the old fashioned phrase 'expectant mother' is more descriptive of that part of mothering? Or just 'pregnant mother'.

sticklebrix · 22/05/2017 17:04

Cross posted teapotter.

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2017 17:08

I am sorry about your lises but i think YABU. Your list of what makes a woman a mother is totally idealised. A woman is a mother if she's had a child. Even if she then treats it badly, doesn't put it first or exposed it to harm. Its a technical term, not a badge of merit.

Do you think a woman choosing termination is the same as a mother killing her child? Or that people who are pregnant have a legal duty not to drink or smoke?

Dragonfly1971 · 22/05/2017 17:13

I have three sons and had a stillborn daughter at 24 weeks.
I am still her Mum, but not in the way I would have liked.

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