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When to stop inviting 'friends' when invitation never reciprocated

(77 Posts)
thelightisrising Mon 22-May-17 14:07:35

I am having debate with my DH about this. We have a group of school mum and dad friends, who we socialise with a fair amount, as a group and individually. It's all normal reciprocal stuff, no stress, we sometimes go over to other families, they sometimes come to ours.

Apart from one couple who have been to our place on many occasions over the past four or five years, and always accept invitations. But they have never once invited us back. I should add that this is not because they are unsociable or don't invite any of the rest of our mates over - far from it, I know that they do.

I am genuinely not hurt or upset about this - I think it might be because my DH gets on really well with him but she is not so keen on me. That's really OK. But I can't help feeling that it starts looking a bit desperate to keep on inviting them over - I guess if I regularly went to someone else's house and never invited them back the only explanation would be that I'm not that bothered about spending time with them. I'd also think I was being just a little bit rude!

I am asking because it is my DH's birthday soon and he wants to invite the 'normal' lot, including them. I think it might be time not to, but then on the other hand, it would look sort of petty if we don't. In fact, writing this I know that it IS quite petty! But just curious to see what people think?

lorelairoryemily Mon 22-May-17 14:11:17

I think I'd stop inviting them, even if she's not that keen on you it's just rude not to invite you and your Dh if she's having the rest of the group over.

ScarlettFreestone Mon 22-May-17 14:13:57

Do they invite the rest of the normal lot without including you?

BarbarianMum Mon 22-May-17 14:17:00

It's fine not to invite them if they never invite you.

WellThatSucks Mon 22-May-17 14:18:07

I'd continue to invite them to the wider group things such as your dh's just to be the bigger person but definitely stop inviting just them individually. It's very rude of them to keep accepting your hospitality and never reciprocating.

WellThatSucks Mon 22-May-17 14:18:36

*dh's birthday.

thelightisrising Mon 22-May-17 14:19:48

Yes - they do. Not necessarily all together or all the time, as far as I know (not stalking them!), but they do invite them over. A few years ago I would actually have been personally hurt by this but one benefit of my great age is giving fewer f***ks!! But my point to my DH is that really I just can't be arsed. And I don't want to look as though I am so desperate for their friendship that I will keep inviting them over despite messages in the other direction, because I'm not!

thelightisrising Mon 22-May-17 14:22:04

Yes, WellThat, I think that probably would be the right thing to do. It just makes me feel a bit uncomfortable!

FV45 Mon 22-May-17 14:29:00

None of my friends knew I was in an emotionally abusive marriage until I was mid-divorce (when it became obvious). During my marriage it was rarely possible to have people over. It wasn't that my ex explicitly forbade it, oh no, it was much more subtle than that.

I am thankful that my friends either knew what was going on but didn't let on and continued to invite me and my sons, or that they just didn't mind that the friendship was not reciprocated in all ways.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that this is your friend's situation at all, only that things are not always what they seem and if they are your friends then just do the right thing.

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 22-May-17 14:32:32

Put it this way

Your ok as far as she's concerned as long as she's being watered and fed at your expense yes?
But if she has to spend a penny on your comfort then you can fuck off no?

Really op you need to ask, bin the bitch

WellThatSucks Mon 22-May-17 14:34:12

Yeah, it's got to be a bit galling but it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal. Has no one from the rest of the group ever commented on this blatant snubbing of you and your DH when it comes to events at her house?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Mon 22-May-17 14:37:30

Stop inviting them in the future if you want but do invite them to DH's party. Mostly because he wants them there and it's his birthday, but also it would be very over dramatic to not invite them to an event everyone else is going to. That's about making a statement. It's just going to stir up trouble.

I hope you're better at convincing them you don't care than you are at convincing strangers on the internet.

JustKeepDancing Mon 22-May-17 14:37:50

Is it a possibility that they've never reciprocated because they wouldn't be able to afford to put on a dinner party? Or do you have any dietary requirements which make it a bit difficult for them to host?

MoosicalDaisy Mon 22-May-17 14:40:57

Can you ask DH to just invite him

SuperPug Mon 22-May-17 14:41:02

**Guilty has put it well grin
If they invite others over, they can invite you over as well.
They can clearly afford to have others over and it's not that hard to sort out dietary requirements.
Threads on here have seriously made me question how assertive I am. We spend too much time being worried about offending. Other people don't mind though!

Bluntness100 Mon 22-May-17 14:42:52

Well I think uou do give many fucks else you wouldn't be debating with your husband, posting on here and considering not inviting them.

As it's everyone i would invite them as I think it would be awkward for thr group if you didn't.

thelightisrising Mon 22-May-17 14:44:39

Haha -Iwasjustabout, fair comment! I knew somebody would say that. I don't care about their friendship so much. But ... I suppose that I do care if I look like a dick. Does that make sense? Probably not.

Agreed WellThat. I need not to make a big deal about it and not inviting them would do that. This will probably be the occasion they don't come anyway!

They can afford to have people over. FV, how awful that must have been for you. I am really sorry. I am as sure as I can be that this is not the situation here.

DomJolyNurse Mon 22-May-17 14:47:56

I'd invite them to a group event, where "everyone" is invited as otherwise would you be leaving them out? But I wouldn't invite them to anything with a smaller number.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn Mon 22-May-17 14:50:08

I'd stop including them. As they are inviting the others, its a pretty deliberate snub and I would not want to look like a pushover who was going to let them treat me this way and continue including them. It's bloody rude!

thelightisrising Mon 22-May-17 14:50:18

Well bluntness, of course I do give some fucks but it's more about feeling that I'm slightly being taken advantage of, rather than anything about their friendship. I don't know .. that doesn't seem too hard to understand? Is it?

And re: it being awkward for the group if they are not invited - well, equally, I don't see why that would necessarily be more awkward than us never being invited to their house when the rest of the group are? I could say that seeing as they never invite us, they are clearly not going to be too bothered if they are left out of this invitation?

No special dietary requirements!

eddielizzard Mon 22-May-17 14:55:03

well on this occasion as it's your dh's birthday, if your dh wants them there then invite them, but if he's not bothered i wouldn't. and in future def don't invite them.

HouseworkIsASin10 Mon 22-May-17 14:57:13

It does sound like she's taking the piss. I would feel like she was laughing behind my back, she obviously doesn't like you.

Sack her off OP. As you say no big deal, but you don't want to come across as desperate for her friendship.

Kokusai Mon 22-May-17 15:03:38

Or do you have any dietary requirements which make it a bit difficult for them to host?

Seriously that is in no way an acceptable reason to not host.

thelightisrising Mon 22-May-17 15:03:50

I don't think she's deliberately taking the piss exactly. I just think it's more that they don't consider us particularly high up the friendship list, but are happy to accept an invitation if one comes along. Maybe even it's awkward for her to say no! Now I think of it, I'd probably be doing her a favour not to ask her in fact - for all I know they're desperate for an excuse not to come and another invitation fills her with dread grin.

ChrisPrattsFace Mon 22-May-17 15:09:08

Not saying this is your case- but i know that in our group of friends there is a couple we do not invite to our house... because they are horribly judgemental and im not afraid to say i am embarrassed about them being in my home.(the comments they say during and after etc) Most of our friends are wonderful, and i don't feel self concious - but there is a couple i dont enjoy being in my home. So they're not.
Most of the time we now meet out and about anyways.

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