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DH and his emotionless crap

(90 Posts)
mumto2two Mon 22-May-17 09:56:51

Am feeling so upset about this, so I'm sorry if I ramble.
DH has always had issues with communication, emotional or otherwise, and nearly 2 years ago I discovered he had been having an affair with a much younger work colleague, for over 18 months.
Our DD has multiple health issues and while we had been in and out of hospital, he was often away on business, having a whale of a time with her. He had been distant for years and I had tried so hard to understand, and when he started going out frequently after work, he would snap that he was doing something for himself for a change, seeing his 'friends' and he was entitled to. He treated me awfully, and it broke my heart to see him act so cruelly. The excuse he gave me when I discovered who his 'friends' really were, was that he assumed I just knew anyway !
His emotionlessness can be startling sometimes, and I know his controlling mother has played a big part towards the issues he has.
Much as it hurt, we decided to try again for the sake of our family, and he seemed such a broken man. We vowed to make it work, and things have ticked along since. We have not once mentioned this woman again, and she left the company soon after. However, I am still frustrated by his lack of emotional connection, and not just with me, I mean with everyone, and everything. He doesn't keep in touch with people, never sees friends, has no hobbies, does no exercise or sport, has no interest in our home and the state it has become, and I feel like I am the proverbial nag, anytime I try to broach it. And of course it upsets me, that the only person he seems to have made any effort with in all our time together, has been her. He suddenly seemed more energetic and alive, but of course, we all know why.
His job is stressful and he works long days, so his excuse is always that he has no time, but of course he did make time for her..and in fact, a lot of time.
This situation has rumbled along for some time, and the straw that seems to be breaking the camels back is this...
Our eldest daughter needed to arrange a week's work experience for 6th form, and it was booked at his company 4 months ago, due to start in a week. As it's over an hours drive, she would travel in and out with him. Last night in conversation, he suddenly remembered he had to be abroad with work that week, and she would have to find her own way or cancel her work experience. The only way she can get there, would involve a 45 min bus ride and 2 trains and would take her 2.5 hours at least.
He just shrugged and said there was nothing he could do. And he thinks I am being ridiculous for being upset. What's even more infuriating, is that he has known for sometime, and true to past communication form, failed to tell us. DD is so upset, and DH simply hung up on me and is refusing to answer my calls. He is sick of me and my nagging and then went on to say that he was being viewed as unreliable at work because of all the times our younger DD has been in hospital...
I'm just sat here reeling, and I can't even speak to him because once he decides he doesn't want to communicate, then that is it. He simply cuts you off.
Feel so low about everything, I know his work is more important, but it's the lack of communication and his attitude towards it that is hard to take. What do others think?
I'm sorry for the long ramble..

whatsfair Mon 22-May-17 10:37:00

LTB. Sorry I could write a response the length of the bible on this one, but it all boils down to this.

pipsqueak25 Mon 22-May-17 10:39:19

my 2nd husband was always shut down like this [it got worse several months into marriage] and i divorced him as a result.
friends found it funny when i related how we were sitting in the lounge and i was talking to him but he never answered [was staring into space] and when i asked "what do you think we should do about it ? " he responded "sorry i didn't know you wrer speaking to me as you never said my name ...." there was only him and me sitting there....
it's not funny at the time and it is emotionally and mentally draining, it turned into resentment then pure dislike.
think about whether you really want this for the rest of your life, it's really not fair on the dc either as it is a form of emotional abuse imo

ohfourfoxache Mon 22-May-17 10:39:51

This "man" is a cunt.

You need to get rid and fast.

ToastDemon Mon 22-May-17 10:40:34

I doubt it's your daughter's hospital stays that made him seem unreliable at work. I'd imagine it's knobbing a much younger colleague that did that.

He sounds absolutely soul destroying to be married to. You need to LTB.

livefornaps Mon 22-May-17 10:42:22

What did you even see in him to begin with? He sounds beyond crap. Does he have any redeeming features? His attitude to your daughter's work experience is beyond the pale. Real men want to move mountains for their children! He needs to wake up or shove off.

mummymeister Mon 22-May-17 10:49:52

In his mind he can "do better" and he did when he had the affair. because the affair came with no strings, no pressure of having kids, no dealing with illness, no nothing. he saw a glimpse of what it would be like to be single again and he cant shake it off. and he never ever will.

this will never get better.

He has let you down. he is now letting his kids down.

and all this crap I hear from women all the time about "he has a stressful job" so fecking what! so do you. you have to stress about a sick child, a disappointed child and run the house whilst knob chops sits dreaming about younger women.

you and your children are worth so much more than this. start planning now. find out where the money is in the relationship, get your affairs in order, speak to a solicitor and calmly and without emotion tell him enough is enough.

all the time you stay, this is just going to get worse and worse. you owe it to yourself and your kids

HoldBackTheRain Mon 22-May-17 10:51:51

Please LTB. From personal experience this isn't going to change and you don't deserve to live like this, nor do your kids flowers

HappyLollipop Mon 22-May-17 10:52:01

Why are you still continuing trying for? He's obviously checked out of the marriage a long time ago, unless he's willing to change I'd divorce him ASAP. You've got enough on your plate with your poorly DD, you don't need a man child putting added stress on.

notomatoes Mon 22-May-17 10:53:58

LTB. His work is not more important than your family life.

Don't waste any more time expecting him to help or contribute. Help your DD find alternative work experience, you've got a week. It might not be great but it's better than relying on a knob like him.

babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 11:03:32

My dp is very much like this's very hard to talk to them& if u push it they get narky,go in the defensive& put it back on u!
Sorry I have nothing more helpful.

mummymeister Mon 22-May-17 11:05:44

people / men do this because women/people enable it babayjane67.

because when he gets narky and defensive you give in, its job done isn't it. he wants the discussion shut down, he knows the buttons to push, he pushes them, you give in.

this cycle only goes on and on because you/ others enable it.

CardinalCat Mon 22-May-17 11:16:04

You know what you need to do, right? This is no relationship. This 'family' life sounds awful for you and your children. You should have left him long before now. Waste no more years on this man. If you won't do it for yourself, then do it for the sake of your daughters who should not be growing up to think that this is a healthy or even remotely acceptable dynamic.

notomatoes Mon 22-May-17 11:20:34


So it's the OP's fault her DP is a cunt?

mumto2two Mon 22-May-17 11:21:46

They don't even know how to argue. Requires too much communication.
So it's disconnect and ignore. I can't handle it, it drives me into a helpless rage and there is nothing you can do about it.
Feel so sad about everything, and frightened for the future. But it's so hard living with a emotionless brick.
Yes he is generally calm and nice and we drift along in some kind of domestic equilibrium, until things like this crop up, and he simply retreats from the back lash.
There are so many last minute revelations, it's just hard to take sometimes. I feel such a mug for being so optimistic about everything. Thank you for all your kind replies flowers

babayjane67 Mon 22-May-17 11:28:00

Yes agree Mum.I also worry about the future Ince our dd has flown the nest.I've even said that to him& he's just ignore it completely! Doesn't answer

Shoxfordian Mon 22-May-17 11:30:06

He doesn't seem to have any issues communicating with the other woman does he?


mumto2two Mon 22-May-17 11:43:10

He's quite senior in the company, working on a multi million pound project, so yes, important enough. And he reckons that this particular week was the only week they could go to this country. However, he has known for a while and he didn't think to mention it. It was purely in passing conversation with our daughter, he suddenly 'remembered'. In a 'by the way' you'll have to get yourself there and back...and when we realised how difficult that would be, he just shrugged and said she'd have to cancel it. She was naturally shocked and upset, and DH thinks I am ridiculous for even thinking he should or could rearrange his diary for this. His comment was that he'd be laughed out of the company.
Which even if this were true, is really hard to digest, when I think back to the many ways he was able to accommodate the office harlot. He used to get up super early most mornings, shower, and drive to her place for 7am 'meetings',.hop into bed, shower again..and get to work by 8.30...needless to say, he was often exhausted.

FrenchMartiniTime Mon 22-May-17 11:48:16

He sounds like a sociopath.


PlateNotSlate Mon 22-May-17 11:53:18

He sounds like an absolute shit head and not worth wasting any more of your life on.

Get your ducks in a row OP. Proof of bank accounts, earnings and all the rest. You're not in a bad position to leave, your children are a bit older and he's earning well. If your youngest still has medical issues that will be tough, but he wasn't supporting you anyway, he was off balling a colleague

timeisnotaline Mon 22-May-17 11:53:27

Soul destroying. LTB and tell your daughter good parents put their children first, while they are children at least.

Hastalapasta Mon 22-May-17 12:00:46

Not saying this lightly, but LTB. He is slowly destroying your self esteem, hurting your DC with his thoughtlessness.
Sounds like you are pretty much doing everything on your own anyway.

Good luck.

SleepWhatSleep1 Mon 22-May-17 12:06:00

Ltb. Your family will be so much calmer and happer.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 22-May-17 12:09:23

So many points you could make but it's just quicker to cut to the chase and say LTB.

He's not worth it, no way no how.

You'll never be happy, he's a waste of time. And a lying cheat to boot.

He does not give a shit about you or, seemingly, the rest of his family.

Use this angry energy to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling re finances and make sure you are savvy and up to speed - post on here for good avice!

He. Is. A. Waste.Of.Time.

sadsquid Mon 22-May-17 12:12:07

He doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. In quite a cold, alarming way, actually. I'm gobsmacked that his only answer when you found out about his affair was that he thought you knew. I don't think he functions in quite the same way most people do.

I know it's so easy to say LTB but you deserve better than this. If you do leave, please sort out as many of the practicalities as you can before telling him. I think he'd be capable of treating you badly if he took it into his head to do so.

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