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AIBU?

To try to parent my stepson?

54 replies

AfraidOfMyShadow · 21/05/2017 22:18

I'm a long time lurker on this forum but always been too afraid to post.

Recently my partner's 12 year old son has come to live with us. He lived with his maternal grandparents in the US as my partner and his gf at the time were so young when he was born.

There was peace for around a month or so as we all tried to adjust especially dss to a new country, school etc but for the past few months my partner and dss have been at each others throats. He is a sweet child but also manages to get into trouble far too often - skipping school, swearing, trying a cigarette and now I'm worried he's seeing a much older teen/man (Basically I saw them kiss) and I'm not sure whether to tackle this myself or tell my partner.

My partner is really taking dss's behaviour to heart. He told me dss is manipulative, vacuous and every interaction they have ends with an argument. So far we've tried grounding, taking away personal belongings and my partner thinks he's not too old to get a smack. I feel if I tell him what I saw he may go through with it. I really don't want it to get that far but my partner doesn't really listen to my advice wrt to dss because dss is his son. None of us have any parenting experience and we are struggling, I feel we'd do so much better if we worked together on this. I'm thinking of confronting dss by myself as I think I'd get the truth from him and then know what next steps to take (of course involving my partner then).

Sorry for the essay. What do you think?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2017 22:24

He's been pulled away from the only home, family and country he's ever known. He was in shock for about a month then started acting out his misery. And his father sounds like he hates him. And he sounds like he might be being sexually abused.

Poor poor child. The two of you need to stop punishing him and start actually parenting. And if your DP can't sort him shit out, the boy will be permanently damaged if he isn't already.

I'm reporting as well in case this is bullshit.

AntigoneJones · 21/05/2017 22:27

" my partner thinks he's not too old to get a smack "

oh right, maybe your partner should 'get a smack' when he irritates his boss?

BandeauSally · 21/05/2017 22:28
Shock
BandeauSally · 21/05/2017 22:28

Where is his mother?

Crunchymum · 21/05/2017 22:29

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MerlinEmrys · 21/05/2017 22:38

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MerlinEmrys · 21/05/2017 22:38

Not Amanda bloody autocorrect- a man!

memyselfandaye · 21/05/2017 22:39

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AfraidOfMyShadow · 21/05/2017 22:51

Okay I'm not a troll poster and I'm sure someone can confirm this. I did see the weird threads recently and know this possibly wasn't the best time to post but I didn't feel I could talk to anyone else.

MrsTerryPratchett I know. I don't agree with my partner's approach but I'm not sure if I am overstepping my role? I could make things much worse.

BandeauSally He has never had much contact with her. She got married and has a new life - the last we knew she was working in Dubai.

OP posts:
AfraidOfMyShadow · 21/05/2017 23:14

Antigone I'm not excusing it and I don't agree with smacking but we both come from quite a conservative christian background. We were both smacked growing up. Discipline is always talked about at our church. My partner feels he is failing so badly at being a dad and I think that fear of failing and being judged is making him way harsher than the kind man I know and love.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/05/2017 23:19

You want to punish a 12yo who sounds like he's being groomed and has had his entire life turned upside down?

That's twisted

Allthewaves · 21/05/2017 23:21

I'd find a good family therapist now

AfraidOfMyShadow · 21/05/2017 23:29

I really don't want to punish him. I want to find out what is going on.
Currently for all I know this person is a teenager at his school. I hope it isn't grooming but I want to be sure.
I actually get on with dss and I want to try gaining his trust but I feel like in doing that my partner may feel betrayed Sad.

I want to know if others would feel comfortable going around their partners especially when the child is not theirs...

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 21/05/2017 23:29

This young boy has just had his world turned upside down and his father is treating him very badly. He needs love and support and understanding, not punishments. This abuse has made him extremely vulnerable to grooming which is what is happening with this older man.

Your H needs parenting classes as a matter of urgency and you need to report the older man to the police.

Please act now. Your step son is being psychologically abused by your husband and potentially sexually abused by this older man. He needs saving now before his life is irreparably destroyed.

Don't dither about worrying about upsetting your husband. Be brave and intervene before it's too late.

HildaOg · 21/05/2017 23:29

If he's being groomed and sexual abused by an adult you have to get involved! I'd be reporting that to the police even if it's just to frighten the older guy off.

Stop punishing him. Both you and your partner need to look at it from his point of view. He's been taken from his home, family, friends, country, culture and placed in an alien environment with strangers, one of whom is his bio father who seems to hate him and has no understanding of what this boy is experiencing.

Maybe family therapy would be a good way to develop strategies for everybody within the family unit to deal with this situation.

BillyButtfuck · 21/05/2017 23:36

A long term lurker too afraid to post, but thought AIBU was the place for this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/05/2017 23:59

In case of lurkers... it is a legal requirement for anyone or knows or suspects sexual abuse to report it. Requirement. So report to the school at the very least.

AnArrowToTheKnee · 22/05/2017 00:18

AIBU gets a lot of traffic, makes sense to post here.

Your partner needs to cut the poor kid some slack. He's been completely uprooted and is acting out - punishing him for that is only going to make it worse. Try to book into some parenting classes if you can find some aimed at parents of teenagers, and family therapy - he probably feels like he's not being listened to, so having a chance to actually talk could help. In the meantime make it clear that he can talk to you about anything that's bothering him and try to build that trust. If your partner doesn't like it, tough shit - his kid comes first.

corythatwas · 22/05/2017 00:49

What is currently happening is that your partner is punishing his son for decisions that he made: to have sex before he was ready to deal with the consequences, to stay out of his son's life during the formative years, then to have him suddenly uprooted and brought into a new environment. It's almost as if he feels that he could cancel out those decisions by making his son pay. The person who should be paying is him: and that should be done by attending parenting classes and learning how to deal with a troubled near-teenager.

PeaFaceMcgee · 22/05/2017 00:58

Would your partner not like it if his son is gay? (not saying he is, btw). Why doesn't he like his son?

Atenco · 22/05/2017 02:00

Maybe family therapy would be a good way to develop strategies for everybody within the family unit to deal with this situation

I think this is absolutely the best idea. It is very, very easy to criticise but parenting a troubled twelve-year-old stranger is extremely hard.

This is one frightened little boy

emmyrose2000 · 22/05/2017 02:12

Why did he come to live with you now, after all this time?

He's been dragged from his family, friends, life, and country and dumped with virtual strangers in a foreign country. I'm not surprised he's acting up and/or looking for comfort with this older person.

Seeing as his bio mum isn't in the picture, then both you and DH are his equal parents now. I wouldn't really call this a typical step parenting situation whereby the child has regular contact with both bio parents, and the step parent usually takes more of a back seat. So you need to act like a team.

I think you all desperately need family counselling. If you're sure this other boy is definitely a student at your son's school, I'd be making an appointment pronto with the guidance officer, or whomever is relevant, to discuss this. It could be innocent, or it could be much worse. If it's the latter, then the school can hopefully guide you in what to do next.

Your partner needs to grow up and start acting like a father. Has he tried rewarding him when he does something right, or is it all negative reinforcement?

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Atenco · 22/05/2017 02:42

Also, IMHO, the culture difference between children raised in the US and children raised in the UK or Ireland is huge and often opens them up to bullying.

Saltandchilli · 22/05/2017 08:13

I don't understand why you didn't intervene when you saw him kissing an older man.

LineysRun · 22/05/2017 08:37

Yes, why didn't you intervene?

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