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To be pissed at DH again over DS1

(107 Posts)
TooMuchJD Sat 20-May-17 00:05:48

DS1 is 17, goes college, has Saturday job, does chores daily, generally ok behaviour wise, no drink/drug issues, doesn't stay out every weekend, pays his own bus fares, buys own clothes etc.
He is my DS and DH's stepson.
He's gone to see some bands at under 18's night in town, was happy catch the bus home at 11pm, I was apprehensive in a mum way, he missed the bus but waiting for next one at 11.30pm - no curfew just agreed this is what he would do. (Kept me informed by text).
I expressed concern that he would hanging around town for 30 mins, so ask DH should I go fetch him to put my mind at rest? Massive row for next 20 mins about it resulting in some very nasty comments and DH storming off to bed citing divorce!
I felt it was normal and reasonable to feel concerned, DH disagreed stating if he was old enough to go out he was old enough to get himself home and I shouldn't "mollycoddle" DS?
Bit confused and seriously pissed off at the mo tbh confused

robinia Sat 20-May-17 00:08:33

Seems a bit of an over-reaction to me. I'd be quite likely to fetch my dc home in these circumstances.
Did dh have other plans for the evening or could it be part of a wider agenda?

Moanyoldcow Sat 20-May-17 00:09:42

Er... your husband sounds odd...

It's perfectly normal to feel concerned about your teenage son out late and suggest you collect him. It's perfectly reasonable to agree or disagree with you collecting him.

It is entirely unreadable to argue about it for 20 mins. Is he generally unreasonable? What is his relationship like with your son generally?

DavidPuddy Sat 20-May-17 00:13:05

Do you perhaps mollycoddle your son and has your DH been hiding frustration about that?

DancingLedge Sat 20-May-17 00:13:54

"Ask DH should I go fetch him"
Maybe next time just tell DH what you're going to do?

No way excuses a row.
DS home safe?

choli Sat 20-May-17 00:14:00

I'd agree with your DH. Your son seems like a responsible young man. He can get himself home by bus.

Januarie Sat 20-May-17 00:20:29

Were you and your DH in the middle of something? If not in isolation it does seem an odd reaction, although if I knew where he was and he was happy to wait 30 mins for the next bus and it wasn't raining etc then I wouldn't see the need to go and get him.

Guepe Sat 20-May-17 00:22:28

Well it's hard to know if he was being unreasonable without hearing exactly how the argument went and who said what.

But I think going out to pick up a 17 year old who's waiting half an hour for a bus is quite unnecessary and does sound like mollycoddling. How far away do you live from the bus stop? I assume it's not that close or he'd just have walked home, so by the time you got to him the bus would probably be about to arrive?

TooMuchJD Sat 20-May-17 00:30:49

DS generally has good relationship with DH, can't say that it is reciprocated all the time. DS is mostly sensible but can have the occasional blip and act all "teenagerish".
I was happy to let him catch the later bus, just felt that maybe I should fetch him (imagining all sorts of horrible things happening in a town centre on a Friday night) - he got home fine btw.
We weren't doing anything at home, hadn't had a drink or thinking of going bed. DH is on anxiety meds at the moment for stress but there is a long and complex back history to this along with dysfunctional family/narc mother upbringing. I have spent 11 years psycho-evaluating and justifying DH's behaviour in view of this - {sigh}

walmo Sat 20-May-17 00:32:36

OP, I've read your previous threads. Your son has had a hellish life with this man for many years now and he sounds like a decent boy.

I just don't understand your thinking here. How come you're still with this appalling man?

gandalf456 Sat 20-May-17 00:41:41

I don't understand your dh at all. I'd probably get him if it were me. Looking back, my Dad would've got me at 17 too.

memyselfandaye Sat 20-May-17 00:41:43

Don't waste another 11yrs of your life justifying his behaviour.

Just don't.

GOASTT Sat 20-May-17 00:47:29

Having read through your PPs - why are you doing this to yourself and your kids OP? He sounds horrendous. What would you tell your daughter if she were in your position? Because by staying with this man you are essentially telling her that this is the behaviour she should expect from a partner.

memyselfandaye Sat 20-May-17 00:48:36

I've just searched your name OP, dear god why are you still with that twat? Five years ago you were advised to ltb after he called you a whore and threw things at you.

Don't you want a better life for you and your kids?

MissFancyPants Sat 20-May-17 00:48:42

Your DS sounds adorable. You must be very proud of him.

Of course it was fine to let him wait for a bus, it would equally have been a nice thing to do to go and pick him up.

Aside from the back story and 11 year history, perhaps he just can't take on your decisions as well as his own.

sleepydee9 Sat 20-May-17 01:02:59

Your DH sounds resentful or jealous.

It'd be a similarly kind thing to offer a partner let alone a teenager to save them standing about alone on a Friday night. I wouldn't expect it but as a one off it's just a caring offer. Although the mum worry makes sense i think anyone would like their family to do the same regardless of age. Your son is independent so clearly you don't have a problem, and if you did then divorce wouldn't fix it anyway.

A 30 minute bus ride to town here would take about 2 hours to walk or 10 mins in the car, i know which i'd prefer! If it was mine i'd be thinking i could be there and back and get a drive-through before he'd be half way home grin

TooMuchJD Sat 20-May-17 01:03:23

Don't know what to say really having read through some of my own posts. There are two sides to every relationship so you are only seeing it from my angle.
Sobering though sad

mmgirish Sat 20-May-17 01:12:43

My parents would have picked me up in these circumstances but my husband's parents definitely wouldn't. People have different opinions about things like that. Citing divorce is a bit much and you shouldn't have to psychoanalyse his behaviour to justify his reactions to things.

Ontheboardwalk Sat 20-May-17 01:28:06

I'm 21 plus around (cough) 20 years. I've been out tonight with a friend and getting black cab home (don't go into town that often). My DM still texted me tonight saying 'it's wild in town, if you get stuck give me a ring, I'm up anyway' Not in a million years would I ring her. when I was younger she would always leave enough money in the top drawer so I could get a taxi back if I got stuck anywhere (I would pay her back). I swear she's prob still got cash in there if I get stuck.

Your behaviour and thoughts around picking your DS seem completely reasonable to me.

keeplooking Sat 20-May-17 01:35:42

Mollycoddling doesn't enter into it. How ridiculous. Whatever age anyone is, if they've missed the bus, and are having to hang around at night for the next one, it's just a nice gesture to go and fetch them, if it's not going to be massively disruptive. I'd be glad if someone did it for me.

NoLoveofMine Sat 20-May-17 01:41:06

DS1 is 17, goes college, has Saturday job, does chores daily, generally ok behaviour wise, no drink/drug issues, doesn't stay out every weekend, pays his own bus fares, buys own clothes etc.

Other than the drink aspect, he's basically the male me. There's nothing wrong with being concerned. My parents have always wanted to make sure one of them picks me up if they don't know exactly when I'm getting home, if I'm out of my local area (which I'm not usually). He was completely in the wrong and there's nothing wrong with wanting to make sure your son got home alright.

Italiangreyhound Sat 20-May-17 02:49:23

You were right to be concerned. Your husband sounds like he has some very big issues and you have put up with them for a long time, from what others have said.

Are you happy? If not, seriously think if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

Your son sounds amazing.

I'm sorry to say that your husband's problems and issues (and yes I think he sounds a bit jealous of your son) may well cause you to lose patience with him and start a new life in the future without him. If you do decide to do this then all the time you spend staying with him is quite wasted. I think you need to seriously evaluate what you want to do. Is he getting help for his issues? Does he even realise his reactions are not normal?


Mummyoflittledragon Sat 20-May-17 03:13:30

Can you not drive? Just seeking clarification as to why you couldn't have gone yourself. Were I unable to drive, I would have told your ds to take a cab in this situation.

I hear your partner has mental health issues and I haven't read your other threads. It sounds as if you've been struggling along for years in a difficult and perhaps abusive relationship. If the situation is as bad as others are saying, you really aren't doing anyone any favours by staying with him.

And I agree there are two sides to every story: The children's story. This is the most important and it sounds as if your kids have been through hell with him. Any other story pales in significance. Do they want you to stay with him?

Goodadvice1980 Sat 20-May-17 06:12:59

I recognised the OP straight away. Why the hell are you still with this guy? Your poor DS.

Will your DS want to visit you when he moves out? Your dh is jealous of your son. Why post here when you have no intention to listening to the advice you are given?

Fishface77 Sat 20-May-17 06:22:42

Yeah I remember your old threads too. I hope your kids leave and never see you or your DH again.
And if people think I'm being cruel please look at the OPs previous threads.

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