Lesbian friend making hurtful comments since I came out as Lesbian

[rhiain]

I started a new job and got on really well with an executive from another team. We would go for lunch together and a regular Saturday night drink with a few others but tended to stay together during the night. We talked about everything and became close friends. Eventually meeting up just the two of us outside of work.

She had a long term partner but they split 9 months ago. She dumped her as she had been unhappy for a while.

Just before that, I decided it was time to make it clear I was gay. So just quickly came out. I didn't make a big deal of it. Everyone was shocked as I don't look stereotypically lesbian so people always presumed I was straight.

Anyway, since I came out, my work friend has completely changed with me. She seems to have turned into a complete player letting me know all the women she finds attractive. Constantly telling me who she fancies and is interested in. All the dates she's been on and flirting outrageously. It's like she feels the need to show me she isn't interested in me romantically by expressing a ridiculous level of interest in other women. We've discussed many times how annoying it is when straight women think you're hitting on them so I hate that she's now doing just that and presuming I must like her just because I'm gay. We don't fancy each other so the best thing is to simply
Ignore it. If there are rumours I certainly wont let them bother me. I've never accused her of having an interest in me and I have never shown an interest in her.

I miss all our chats and fun times. In a way I wish I'd never came out now. She had turned into a great friend but is now just on a mission to avoid me 'getting the wrong idea'.

She's not fallen out with me as she's still friendly to me when I'm sat at my desk. But there's a difference between a co worker and a friend and I feel I've lost her as an actual friend.

She no longer messages outside of work/ meets up outside of work. She's rejected my suggestions to meet up outside of work and no longer sits and chats to me at our work parties.

She started dating someone 5 months ago and I thought that might make her normal again with me, but it's made no difference.


When I do chat to her she is so uncomfortable and sometimes a bit mean with what she says.

Finally I had enough and asked her if she was okay and she got really nasty and just said you're really annoying and flirty.
You would flirt with anything with a vag! You're embarrassing!

I'm really hurt by this comment as I'm not like that at all. I don't know why now I've come out as gay, this means she has to behave like a complete idiot. There's other gay women here she doesn't seem to have too much of an issue with.

I've tried to work out what is wrong but after that horrid comment I honestly don't think I will bother. She's changed the moment I came out and I don't think I even like who she is right now. I was planning to try and work things out and find out if I've done something to offend her. But AIBU to not even bother now?

[helpimitchy]

Hmm, perhaps she's annoyed because she's no longer the only gay in the village. She sounds like she views you as a rival.

[rhiain]

I thought that but we work in a very gay friendly field of work. There's a lot of us gays here including other lesbians

She's fine with them.

I'm wondering if it's some homophobic attitude because I look feminine. Like I'm not a 'real' lesbian.

[helpimitchy]

Perhaps she fancies you, but can't admit it to herself so she's feeling conflicted.

[DailyMailReadersAreThick]

I was expecting this to be like my experience. Three of us at uni, we all came out to each other around the same time. The other two excluded me and then one of them told everybody I fancied her (I didn't, at all) and she had to push me away so I didn't get ideas.

Have you had a straight (as it were...) chat with her to make it clear you just want to be friends and don't want any awkwardness?

There's always the chance that she actually does fancy you and is overcompensating because she can tell you don't reciprocate.

I'd talk to her and if that doesn't change anything, let it go as a lost cause.

[Roomster101]

It's impossible to know why she is behaving differently towards you. Perhaps she is annoyed that you didn't tell her you were gay in the first place considering that you were socialising with her a lot.

[rhiain]

I told her first before anyone else. She was initially supportive but even by the evening of the day I came out she went off with me.

[KindleBueno]

Are you sure you haven't been a bit flirty?

[Empireoftheclouds]

She probably does feel betrayed.

[rhiain]

I haven't intended to be flirty. Maybe a tiny bit but I'm like that with everyone.

[KindleBueno]

Flirty means different things to different people. I would take what she said as genuine. It sounds like she felt you've overstepped and been uncomfortable as a result so has distanced herself from you.

[KC225]

Twice in your post you say you regret coming out because of her behaviour. But you didn't come out because of her did you?

I think you have to back off now. The friendship has changed. You cannot keep asking why she has changed. Maybe she has an issue with the fact that whilst you were close, she confided in you about the end of her relationship and she feels you didn't reciprocate by revealing you were gay. Does she feel vulnerable because you could have made her the subject of speculation and gossip? Did she feel the timing of you coming out was insensitive? The possibilities are endless and it seems unlikely you will discover them any time soon.

I think you need to remain professional at work but don't let her have the opportunity to attack you personally. You need to down grade your investment in this woman. She is a colleague. She is not the friend you hoped she'd become, it's sad but it happens.

Good luck OP

[AteRiri]

First thing I thought was, she probably likes you.

[MackerelOfFact]

Maybe she does fancy you though and is scared you rejecting her so is pushing you away? Seems weird timing that she dumped her ex just after you came out, and then this strange behaviour started.

Obviously it's immaterial as you don't fancy her anyway. I guess just let it run it's course - she'll hopefully either get over you or get over herself and start being a decent friend again.

[JillysCooper]

Is it possible she's jealous of you in attractiveness stakes, and feels like you are now a kind of rival?

[Januarie]

Drop her like a hot brick don't waste time on her. Maybe she is annoyed you're stealing her thunder Either way you don't need to justify yourself yourself to her, she doesn't own lesbianism.

Stand up for yourself.

[soapboxqueen]

Maybe she does fancy you but knew you weren't available because she thought you were straight. That also made you safe because you wouldn't reject her. Now she knows you aren't straight but you haven't made a move or indicated you might be interested, so essentially a rejection. So now she's hurt and avoiding you. Not sure there is much you can do.

[Plunkette]

Whatever the reasons for her behaviour I think you need to back right off and put her back in the "colleague only" box in your mind.

She's made it pretty clear she doesn't want to be friends.

Be polite and civil at work but keep things strictly professional even at work nights out.

Maybe she'll get over it, maybe she won't but at least you won't be opening yourself up to horrible comments.

[Italiangreyhound]

I think I would leave her to it, really. You are not obligated to come out to work colleagues or come out at a certain time or anything else.
You have not changed towards her, she has changed towards you.

I would just act professional, don't give her any special attention and if and when she feels ready to renew your friendship, if ever, then you will have the choice to do it or not.

Good luck.

[becausebecausebecause]

"I don't know why now I've come out as gay, this means she has to behave like a complete idiot."

Sounds to me like you came out because you hoped for more from her. I'd back off now if I were you.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I think that perhaps she valued her friendship with you when she thought you were straight because there would be no misunderstandings. Now that she knows you are gay it had changed the dynamic and perhaps she thinks that you came out because you fancied her.

As to what to do, have you said to her "Look, I dont fancy you. I came out to your first because you are my friend and I trust you the most. You are lovely but you are not my type and I miss our friendship. Can we go back to that?"?

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

I'd just chalk it up to her not really being much of a friend. Some people just love to learn the vulnerability of others and exploit it for their own boost.

[Yellowaardvark]

Maybe she enjoyed your friendship when you were "safe" (ie in a box where she thought it could never theoretically happen) but in coming out you confused matters for her? I think it's a lot easier to be friends with people when that is the case.

Not quite the same but I had a close single male friend once when I was in a relationship and he completely cooled toward me when I was single again. It was really confusing at the time and everything felt so much more complicated and even normal interactions (ie a simple 'how was your day') seemed to have these undertones.

[MissionItsPossible]

I haven't intended to be flirty. Maybe a tiny bit but I'm like that with everyone.

Before she knew you were gay, when you were a tiny bit flirty with her how did she respond?

Because I agree with some of the previous replies - from your post it sounds like she likes you and perhaps felt before safe in the knowledge that nothing could ever happen so it was just a harmless little flirt but now that has changed.

[onmykneesandsinking]

Honestly, I'd back right off.. Be friendly in work but draw a line right there.
There's any number of reasons why she's being nasty but the bottom line is that she's choosing to treat you badly at a vulnerable time in your life.
That's not something to value in a parter or a friend.
The people saying she does fancy you... Would you really want to be in a relationship with somebody who behaves like a 10 year old? She's pulling your hair because she fancies you??? erm run!!!

[Ditsy1980]

When I started reading I thought that maybe now she knows you're gay she can be open about her experiences and dates etc. Maybe before she thought she had to rein it in a bit but now that you're out she can fully talk about it.
But that doesn't explain why she's gone cold and not seeing you out of work anymore.
Chalk it up to experience. Colleagues are colleagues not friends.