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To not want to be away from ds

(10 Posts)
L00seal Fri 19-May-17 18:07:46

Just looking for some opinions really. Me and dh have an almost 1 year old. Dh is a brilliant father - pulls his weight with Ds and dotes on him. Last night he told me that he's unhappy at the moment and feels like I don't need him anymore since Ds was born. This is a huge surprise to me because I thought things were going well but he says he doesn't look forward to the weekends anymore because although he enjoys spending time with us he feels like he doesn't get a break. He feels like we're always with the baby - early mornings, feeding, playing etc and don't really get any down time togther. The problem is I see time with Ds as downtime and don't feel the need to have a "break" from him. Dh doesn't agree and misses time alone, going out just the two of us and is tired all the time. IMO this is a normal part of having a baby and I fully expected it would be like this.

What I want to know is should I be making an effort to leave Ds more and spend time alone with dh even though I don't feel the need to? Since having him we do out occasionally together alone, on nights out with friends and stayed overnight away from the baby twice. I Personally think this is enough but aibu? Would be really interested to hear how often other people spent away from their dc in the first few years. I do enjoy being with dh but if we're away from Ds I miss him - is that normal or am I being clingy? I literally have no idea. Just so I'm not drip feeding I'm pregnant again with dd (planned) and dh has (voluntarily) been doing a lot more lately by getting up most mornings with Ds who is up at about 6:30 but sleeps through the night. He must be tired but this is temporary.

MerlinEmrys Fri 19-May-17 18:10:35

I'd say that although you don't feel the need to you DH obviously does and it's a bigger thing for him. Maybe make a bit more time for him! It's nice you want to be with DS but your relationship needs time too.

CheesecakeYesPlease Fri 19-May-17 18:15:49

Don't feel pressured to be apart from your DS if you're not comfortable, I have a 20 month old who I've only ever been away from for about 6 hours at a time and never overnight. Maybe try to spend some one on one time with your DH once baby has gone to bed, you can still have a date night in the house with a film and some nice food grin

My DP is the same, thinks I don't want to spend time with him one to one. Truth is once the kids are in bed I'm all touched outhe and sometimes don't want to meet the needs of a grown man as well as my children. Maybe your DH having nights out or some kind of hobby for time to himself would help?

Redredredrose Fri 19-May-17 18:16:40

I don't think your DH is unreasonable to want time alone with you, certainly. We have DS (2.5) and both choose to work from home on a Monday when he's at nursery so that we get a little time to interact as adults rather than parents. It's great that you find being with your DS so relaxing but lots of people find looking after a small child very full on and tiring, especially if they're quite introverted and like to be alone to recharge.

However, you're also not unreasonable to miss your DS and enjoy your time with him. Sorry, I don't know what the answer is.

Guavaf1sh Fri 19-May-17 18:21:35

Merlin is right - your DH obviously doesn't feel the same - he wants a break and he's told you this so some kind of date night or something similar, every now and then, might be the answer. I think ignoring this, encouraging him to go out alone or develop a 'hobby' as one of the previous posters advised is ridiculous advice

thethoughtfox Fri 19-May-17 18:28:01

How you both feel is normal and both feelings deserve to be respected. Compromise: have a date night / afternoon for a few hours and then home? Remember: once dc is in bed, you won't be spending time playing with him anyway so he won't miss you.

Tonytonymacaroni Fri 19-May-17 18:34:01

We first left Dd with grandparents when she had just turned 3 months old and to be honest I felt fine with that I was only concerned she might cry a lot and that they wouldn't enjoy looking after her (it was for a few hours as a couple, we just went for a drink at a pub around the corner and chatted) and had the offer been there I might have accepted earlier, but everyone is different. It helps that I love and trust my in laws competely, after all they have done it all before but I appreciate not everyone has this support. It did help us feel more refreshed and connected as a couple and remember why we we actually liked each other, and that weren't just working on child rearing together as mates! It seems like you don't really miss that feeling but he does, and it's important to him...so I would really try and make it happen more often. Otherwise, you're at risk of drifting apart, especially in the first few months when you're both tired all the time and prone to snapping. Being nice to each other often falls down the list of priorities but you can decide to make a conscious effort and it might make both of you feel happier.

BackforGood Fri 19-May-17 18:34:21

Neither of you ABU. It is just feeling differently, and what a good thing you can talk about it smile

What time does your ds go to sleep at night? I hear of babies that go off to sleep at 7 (not that I had one myself) - does that not give you time alone together?
I have to say I think you are fortunate to have already stayed away overnight twice, when he is still so little, and that you have already gone out together a few times. However, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' - it's what works for you both. Maybe plan a date night once a fortnight if you can afford the babysitters + cost of going out.

L00seal Fri 19-May-17 19:24:06

Baby sitting is not a problem - the in laws are always willing and available. Also when my family come to stay (they live far away) they always offer to babysit so we can go out. I just think dh is frustrated that I don't say yes more. Baby goes to bed at 7:30 so we do have evenings together - but we only really make an effort with each other on weekend evenings because he's usually doing work or goes for long runs (he's training for a marathon at the moment which is probably adding to the tiredness).

I obviously don't think he is bu so I will try to say yes more when he suggests going for dinner or cinema etc but I also don't think iabu as Ds is still so small! And I'm so glad backforgood made the comment that we've done well to get away twice in this time (once was a spa weekend and the other at a hotel for his mates wedding) because I think so too! However, I get that everyone's different and relationships are all about ompromise. The last thing I want is to drift apart. Thanks for your replies

pieceofpurplesky Fri 19-May-17 19:30:22

If you ignore this it will only get worse when the new baby comes along. Maybe he is feeling this and looking at how much worse it will be.

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