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BIL should do more for his DM

(13 Posts)
Cakeisbest Fri 19-May-17 18:02:53

BIL and his family live abroad. Me and DH ( it's his DB) live in UK and looking out for MIL falls to us, and to me for taking her to appointments. She's getting elderly now, and since Christmas has had some health issues needing return visits to the GP ( some GP visits I go with her) for referral for more tests, all of which I go with her for, she lives alone 25 miles from us. This week BIL was made aware by text and phone call that MIL had an invasive unpleasant hospital test being done this week. AIBU that he didn't ring before to wish her luck, or after to see how she was? On a selfish note from me, I would like an acknowledgement from him that I am taking her to these appointments, how about a "thanks for what you're doing for Mum'. I feel sorry for her too that she's not hearing from him. Grrrr.

StealthPolarBear Fri 19-May-17 18:06:13

No its crap you're right

But why snt your dh doing most of these

emilybrontescorset Fri 19-May-17 18:09:13

He sounds like a selfish sod. Hopefully he will be written out of the will !!!

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 19-May-17 18:13:52

My Mum lives abroad and I don't know the minutiae of her doctor's appointments, nor do I know how she gets there.

If you don't want to do it you can say no. Don't get snarky that he lives somewhere else and can't do it.

Are you getting snarky at your DH who also isn't doing it?

Allthebestnamesareused Fri 19-May-17 18:15:07

Also how do you know he hasn't spoken to her? Was he made aware how serious the tests are (or not). sometimes I am only told afterwards!

MerlinEmrys Fri 19-May-17 18:17:12

He lives in another country! YABU!!

Brighteyes27 Fri 19-May-17 18:38:37

Yanbu. Dear goodness the OP is aware her BIL can't get a flight home to take his mum yo to GP every 5 mins, every week etc. She sounds like she is feeling the strain doing her best to help and would just like her BIL to show an interest in his mum and her ill health which sounds quite serious and worrying for her DH and her and it's obviously taking its toll on her and her family. Maybe her DH works FT and she works leads hours so she has offered to help her out. OP will know BIL hasn't been in touch as MIL has probably told her. She just wishes her BIL would make an effort in terms of interest, appreciation and communication.

Pallisers Fri 19-May-17 18:44:19

If you don't want to do it you can say no. Don't get snarky that he lives somewhere else and can't do it.

And then who brings the elderly woman to the appointments? People do need more support as they get older and most functional families recognise it and do what they can.

BIL is being a shit not knowing even phoning his mum. I am the one abroad. When my parents were getting on I made regular trips home even when it was difficult. I would try to go when my sister wanted to go on holidays. I phoned them regularly - every day usually. I tried to have dentist/doctors/stuff be scheduled for when I was home. I did what little could be done remotely (anything on the web). And I still didn't come near to the responsibilities that my sister and her husband had. So I thanked her and him regularly, sent her occasional flowers and constantly told my mother what a great daughter she had.

OP, I would say anything to BIL but it might be an idea for your dh to tell him straight that he understands he doesn't live nearby but mum is getting on, needs increasing amounts of support. The 2 of you are doing it but it would be helpful if he called more regularly and became more aware of what is going on.

Gazelda Fri 19-May-17 18:55:32

OP I get you. I don't think YABU. All you're asking for is a bit more interest from him and some appreciation.

I agree with other posters that DBIL can't help it if he lives in another country while his DM is starting to need more support. But surely it isn't too much to ask for a phone call a couple times a week - surely it's the least he can do to be aware of when his DM has a medical appointment and show some sort of interest how she's getting there?

I'm in a very, very similar situation with my MIL, and I wish my DBIL would have enough contact with his DM that he knew who her friends are, that she's spending a small fortune on taxis because she's less able to travel by bus now, and that she misses conTact with him to the point that she's overwhelmingly grateful whenever he does call and then in tears after the conversation ends because she knows she won't hear from him again for many months.

SisterMoonshine Fri 19-May-17 19:15:29

There could be many reasons for him not showing concern. He might be glad to be away from his family, who knows. So none of us can say.

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 19-May-17 19:17:06

I wonder what his version of growing up would be like?

Just because she is his mother doesn't mean that they were both treated equally or remotely fairly.

that he doesn't seem to keep in touch, and had to be told makes me think that there is something more behind this.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Fri 19-May-17 19:27:47

Other peoples relationship dynamics aren't' really your business even if you are the SIL.

Is your DH thanking you profusely for fetching and carrying for his mother? See, I really couldn't be bothered with another person to have to text/email/talk to , DH does the communicating with his BIL, why would I be involved?

Cakeisbest Fri 19-May-17 19:49:37

Bright eyes, Gazelda, you've got it spot on. My DH is very grateful as is MIL, I just think it's crap that BIL and indeed his DW don't just give her a call to see how she's doing. They usually ring her each week but that's tailed off lately. Thanks everyone.

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