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AIBU?

AIBU with playdates

74 replies

Spaplease · 19/05/2017 12:48

More of a is DH BU, than AIBU.

My mum cares for our 1yo DS when I'm at work, she said the other day she was thinking of meeting up with an old friend, let's call her Kate, with Kate's DGS of similar age. Iv known Kate since I was born as we lived down same street together and me and her two DDs used to play together etc. I see Kate occasionally still at charity evens that mum organises. So I'm quite confident that I know her.

DH doesn't know her. Hasn't met her. And when my mum mentioned this the other day in front of me and DH I said that sounds lovely will be nice for DS to have a little play friend and lovely that you two can meet up with your DGS together now your both retired, then a conversation followed about how lovely it is you both had children together same street same age and now have DGS together in same town.

DH later approached me and said along the lines of I don't want my DS going with some random woman , why has nobody asked me, I don't feel comfortable with it, I think it's rude your mum organising this.

I was shocked but I did try and reassure him that I knew Kate very well , etc.

It's caused big arguements and he thinks I don't care what he thinks or his opinion on our DS and his whereabouts, and that he doesn't was DS to go.

I'm really upset about this , I think this is an innocent thing to do ? AIBU or is DH?

OP posts:

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user1491572121 · 19/05/2017 12:51

Well your DH is of course. Is he usually controlling? Because that's what this sounds like. A control issue.

user1491572121 · 19/05/2017 12:52

Or...being generous here...is he feeling a bit pushed out? Does he have enough quality time with DS?

Chloe84 · 19/05/2017 12:55

He wants to throw his weight around.

Tell him if he can't trust your mum's judgement then clearly she shouldn't be looking after DC and he can sort out a childminder, from his wages.

CrazedZombie · 19/05/2017 12:56

Hibu- he doesn't trust your judgement.

NataliaOsipova · 19/05/2017 12:56

Totally bizarre. Would be bizarre even if you didn't know Kate - I'm sure if you employed a professional nanny then she would meet up with her nanny friends and charges.

He trusts your mum to look after your child? Then he has to let her get on with it, including taking him to spend time with someone she has deemed appropriate. It's completely disrespectful to her, his grandmother, apart from anything else.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 19/05/2017 12:59

Suggest he resigns from his job so he can micro manage ds social calendar from now on.

NennyNooNoo · 19/05/2017 13:00

But your Mum is going to be there anyway, isn't she? So it's not like leaving a child alone in the care of a stranger, or am I misunderstanding this? Does he not want your Mum to have other people over to visit while your DS is there? If so , that's batshit crazy ( and controlling).

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/05/2017 13:01

WTAF?

This has to be a wind up surely?!

If not, you have big problems.

Your Mum taking your DS to have coffee & a play with a friend is an issue?

It would be a teeny weeny tiny little bit more understandable if she was leaving him with them, but given you've known them your entire life I'd still think it was complete bonkers.

Does he expect them to stay in the house the entire time she has him?

CheeseCrackersAndWine · 19/05/2017 13:05

Eh, either he trusts your Mum to childmind when you are both at work or he doesn't. Does he seriously expect your Mum to stay home alone all day and avoid every person he doesn't know?! I think it sounds like a lovely opportunity for both your Mum & your DS. If my Mum said she was taking my kids anywhere I would trust her to keep them save regardless of whether I or my husband knew the other parties. His request is utterly bizarre!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 19/05/2017 13:06

Your dh is being ridiculous. You need to tread carefully here though op, if my son in law said that to me it is the very last time I would mind your ds, and I'd think he was a controlling, ungrateful, over protective prick too

Spaplease · 19/05/2017 13:11

He keeps saying why did I not get asked I don't want my DS meeting up with somebody and why was I not asked - but it was said in front of him, I thought it was a wonderful idea obviously, so didn't even think he turn to DH and say "is this okay with you"...

I think DH has got an issue with my mum, I think there is a personality clash with the two of them which has come to the surface since DS has been born, and this just proves it. I think coz mum is around more since DS whereas before it was the occasional dinner etc. I don't think he likes her, which is so strange to me because everyone I know loves my mum, all my friends call her their adoptive mother.

He said how would u feel if my mum was taking DS to see somebody that you don't know and I said I trust your mums judgement. He said he doesn't trust my mums judgement - which is bullshit - coz he's quite happy for my mum to had DS while I'm working and now suddenly it's a problem. When I said this to him he said "I'd rather pay for childcare" - what a selfish bastard. He even referred to my mum having had a few short term boyfriends before DS was born as "poor judgement".

I'm so upset about this

OP posts:

LauraMipsum · 19/05/2017 13:15

If he's saying he doesn't want DS "going with some random woman" has he got totally the wrong end of the stick and thinks your DM is going to send your DS off with Kate alone?

Otherwise he's being really unreasonable.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/05/2017 13:16

'I don't trust your Mum'

Ouch.

I'm not sure I could get past that tbh (if your Mum is as you say she is iyswim).

Did you ask him why not?

Did you ask him why then, it's ok for DS to be minded by her?

There's no way DS would be going to a childminder over my Mum (in your situation) to appease him. I'd leave him before I did that

jarhead123 · 19/05/2017 13:17

My DH can be like this sometimes, it irritates me. I try to calm his concerns, and generally that works.

I don't either of you are being unreasonable, hopefully you can settle it between you

TheFirstMrsDV · 19/05/2017 13:20

He would rather pay for childcare?
Well that is easy to say if he knows he is not going to do it isn't it?

Does he know how much childcare costs?

Spaplease · 19/05/2017 13:21

Laura mipsum no he totally knew it was a play date with the two of them it wasn't a question of DS being left with her, it was a play date. He's trying to make me feel so guilty for. It consulting him about it, and I guess, giving him to opportunity to air his views about his dislike for this arrangement. But as I didn't see this as a problem I didn't even think to ask him. Plus he was there when it was mentioned so if he felt that strongly surely he should have spoke up and said "hang on a minute ..." and look like a complete idiot.

PP said perhaps he feels pushed out , but he gets plenty time with DS and even if he didn't that's the situation we're in why should that dictate what his Ds does while I'm at work, so DM and DS have to stay in and be miserable coz he's at work. (Btw not complaining about PP I appreciate your post I'm just ranting!)

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 19/05/2017 13:21

I doubt he actually cares about the playdate, it is just a convenient excuse to have a go about your Mum and assert his authority. He sounds like a prick.

Itsjustaphase2016 · 19/05/2017 13:24

??!! But surely you go out with your DS and see people your DH doesn't know all the time? My DH hasnt got a clue who all my 'mum friends' and their children are! He wouldn't even know what we did or who I saw yesterday! And probably doesn't particularly care as long as everyone has fun. How odd.

Spaplease · 19/05/2017 13:24

Jarhead123 glad I'm not the only one! It's really getting me down and he just keeps bringing it up and being really horrible about my mum. She really is a lovely person, generous, always there when u need her, retired to look after DS she's literally the perfect DM especially since DS. I think DH is a private person and sees her presence as interfering. He even has a problem with the little presents she buys DS - calla it "tat".

It's really getting me down

OP posts:

PoweredByCaffeine · 19/05/2017 13:28

Your DH sounds like a dick. Does he allow your DS to go to playgroup? Surely there are parents there that you don't know. Will he homeschool your DS as surely he won't know all of the teachers.

He says he doesn't trust your mum's judgement. You know the lady so does he not trust your judgement either? In any case I wouldn't have left my child with someone if I didn't trust their judgement in the first place.

Smoothyloopy · 19/05/2017 13:28

to be honest your DH sounds like a prat

LauraMipsum · 19/05/2017 13:31

"I don't want my DS meeting up with somebody"

Okay, HIBU and weird as fuck to boot. He does know babies aren't gerbils that you keep in a cage at home and get out to pet occasionally, doesn't he?

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Shoxfordian · 19/05/2017 13:35

He's completely unreasonable

Is he usually this controlling?

GU24Mum · 19/05/2017 13:38

It's definitely your OH who is being unreasonable. Presumably he knows that if you put you DS into a nursery, they wouldn't consult him before taking on new children - and I'm pretty sure that any normal childminder would bump into friends with other children at some point too..........

ALittleMop · 19/05/2017 13:44

So, if he insists you pay for childcare, your child may go to a childminder, and go to all sorts of different things day-to-day, that you only find out about afterwards. Or, to a nursery where he, presumably will want to vet all the other children and the other parents of children attending.

He's being unrealistic, unreasonable, and controlling of you, your mother and your child.

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