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To think you can be 'ghosted' by someone who has to be in your life - and how do you get over it?!

(8 Posts)
Hadenoughtoday01 Fri 19-May-17 10:17:10

I think - having read other's stories - that is what has happened between me and my SIL. We used to get on really well - at least I thought we did. Then I got pregnant with DC2 when she was trying for her first DC; she had fertility issues and that's when she all but stopped talking to me. After a few m/c she had her first DC when my youngest was nearly 1 and (and bless her she has had 2 m/c while trying for no2) has just had another.
I was hoping - I'm 46 and she's 44 - that there may be some denouement in our relationship now she has what she obviously desperately wanted. But I don't think that's going to happen. Thing is she is my husband's sister - they are not and never have been particularly close - and have what I feel is a quite competitive relationship (which my MIL encouraged while they were growing up).
However I have to see her at family events and it breaks my heart at bit - but I put on my happy face and carry on!

gleam Fri 19-May-17 10:20:35

I would think she's had to distance herself as she's feeling utterly devastated by her losses and your pregnancies.

gleam Fri 19-May-17 10:22:37

Not that that tells you how to get over it - sorry!

I'd just be normal with her, as you are doing and hope that in time you can be closer again, when she's ready.

Sexstarvedredhead Fri 19-May-17 10:26:17

It might not even be you. I've had three losses before my son was born. I am actually a different person still. I avoid social situations. Can no longer engage in niceities etc. It can really shake some of your core personality traits.

Hadenoughtoday01 Fri 19-May-17 10:38:43

Sexstarved (great name BTW) and gleam I did think it was me - and have taken it personally. I guess because I've not gone through the trauma she must have gone through my feeling is that ' well she has her 2 DC' so that should make her happier. However you guys have pointed out that this will obviously not make up for her loss(es). I can't even imagine - and maybe I need to be more sympathetic in future. Although I do try to be x

justkeepswimmingg Fri 19-May-17 11:45:49

I don't talk to my SIL, and neither does my DH. She did something unforgivable, during a time of grieving for us. The relationship is non existent, and always will be. We see her maybe 2-3 times a year, if that, at family events. We don't even hello to her, I don't have time for spiteful people. And I don't want my DC around people like that, so when they get older they will know the reason for it. So yes it's completely possible for someone to 'ghost' you, whilst still having to see them. If I could cut all contact then I would 100%, but sadly cannot.

It doesn't sound like you've done anything offensive to your SIL though. Maybe it's just been going on for so long now, that's it's just natural? Or she remembers her miscarriages every time she looks at your DC. Sometimes when I look at my DN (7), it reminds me that we could have a 6 year old now. We had a miscarriage when DN was 1. Were you supportive during this time? It could be she felt you'd be there, and you weren't. There's so many reasons why she doesn't want to talk to you, and sadly you'll never know unless you ask her. Ask her for a quiet chat, or just start with being friendly saying 'hello' and 'goodbye' at family events.

Whatsername17 Fri 19-May-17 11:50:17

I don't think it's you either. I lost a baby at 3 months. I'm sat here with my 17 week old rainbow asleep on my chest. I'm grateful and lucky, but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about the baby I lost. It does change you. Just be friendly and carry on.

Hadenoughtoday01 Fri 19-May-17 16:08:28

just DH and myself were told about the miscarriages by my MIL (SIL and DH's mum obviously) and we were told that SIL didn't want to talk about them. We were given strict instructions not to mention them at all. Not even to text her and say hope you are okay.
I found this so strange - but it was her choice and we had to respect that, but there were 4 miscarriages (1 before her DC1) and 3 after DC1 and before she had DC2. My DH really wanted to reach out to her, although they not close they are close enough for it not to be unreasonable for him to expect to offer to go round and help her.
Like I say I know not everyone wants to talk, but I think it has obviously affected her, and the answers to my OP would maybe show that. She is a bit broken and I do want to reach out to her.
But like you are saying I will just be friendly and carry on...

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